


The Monster Against Humanity

by p34ch_pr1nc3sw1tch



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adult Content, Aged-Up Character(s), Anime, Blood and Gore, F/F, F/M, Freeform, Heavy Angst, Horror, Killing, Lemon, M/M, Manga & Anime, OC, Orphanage, Out of Character, Romance, Scary, Scout Legion - Freeform, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Titans, Unisex Y/N, different timeline, eng, made up characters - Freeform, non-binary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28128960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/p34ch_pr1nc3sw1tch/pseuds/p34ch_pr1nc3sw1tch
Summary: Fighting, fighting that seemed like wasn't for you or at least this is what they have told you through your whole life. Until you met him, and he changed everything for you, but with risks? The sins he committed were kept secret from you... and then things poured out from the sack of life and the only thing you could hear that he was your enemy.--------------------------------------Attack on Titan FanfictionMy first ever Y/N creation.Slightly Changed Timeline
Relationships: Jean Kirstein & Reader, Jean Kirstein/Reader, Reiner Braun & Reader, Reiner Braun/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Author's Note

Look I have a lot to write and I wanted to write an Attack on Titan fanfiction for a long time! This is mainly for my own entertainment with Reiner x Reader, but I try my hardest to make this as unisex as it is possible.

It's my first time writing a Y/N character, I don't want it to be a Mary Sue or to be a self-insert. Keep in mind during writing the emotions will not be representing mine or yours (have fun in the comments) but the character that I have imagined in the situation but I try to keep it as much non-existent as it is. If you are not familiar with these type of works here is a small guide for my version of writing a first-time fanfiction like this.

[Y/N] = Your Name

[L/N] = Last Name

[H/L] = Hair length (if you happened to have it fully shaved you can leave this out and change up the small writings in the story)

[H/C] = Hair Colour

[E/C] = Eye Colour

[F/F] = Favourite Food

[F/H] = Favourite Hobby

[S/C] = Skin Colour

These are the most important things that I do want to describe, in case you wonder Y/N will remain Non-Binary/Unisex meaning if the story contains lemon I will refer to it as sex or sexes but it's not that important. The updates will be slow and most importantly Y/N does not know the main cast. The official that I decided to be sure about her that they are from Yalkell district which is close to Wall Sina. Meaning they do not have any constant fight against Titans nor do they have their wall broken. But I did put it the way that Y/N lives in an Orphanage due to that their parents were soldiers of the Scouting Legion and obviously did not come back. However, I do not intend following directly the storyline of the manga or anime but it still can contain some spoiler(s). And what is more sure that I decided that Keith Sadies is the one who will be adopting Y/N due to how his life went.

I think this is all you must know about the situation, and no I do not intend on giving them an instant bond I do want to have multiple things happening during the trainee times. ALSO to make MYSELF (I the author) comfortable they trained from the age of 15 to 17 and when they go to "war" they are almost at the age of 18 because I feel very uncomfortable about them being 15 the whole story (not the actual show, just in my fanfiction) so please respect that and yes this also means some of the characters are aged as well.

Thank you for your understanding and I hope you enjoy the story.


	2. Prologue - The Abonded Child

Felling the warmth on their skin they slowly started to blink revealing their [E/C] to the sun as it shined. It was quiet, quiet as if it was winter when everyone finally closed the doors to be with their families, but for [Y/N]... It was just as usual since they waited for their parents to come back from the expedition.

Soon the quiet got broken from people running around and making noise. Standing up from their bed [Y/N] headed up to their window. Putting their small hands onto the glass, their small nose on it getting pushed back. Watching people standing onto the side as the gates opened and the Scout Legion came back. With widening eyes, they ran to their wardrobe getting out some long-sleeved shirt and the old pants that their mom saw before leaving.

"Finally! They came back!" [Y/N] whispered to themself as they run down on the stairs opening the black wood door. Pressing through the crowd running in front of the Scout Commander. Obviously, Yalkell was not the kind of District that had many soldiers, or that it needed to be defended all the time. There were times when [Y/N] saw Military Police during shipments on the river, or when the Garrisons walked around drinking and laughing trying to keep the peace.

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Mom, why you and Dad in the Survey Cops?" the young voice asked._

_"Honey it's called Survey Corps, not Cops..." a woman in her thirties giggled as she picked up the kid. "And because Mommy and Daddy want to make sure that their beautiful Baby has a bright future just like the sun." even though she knew that her child had a sharp mindset she feared the day when the little [Y/N] decided to be like their parents. Lisa [L/N] wanted to see her own child happy and that they will not be growing up or living in the fear of the Titans._

≪ °❈° ≫ _  
_

"Mommy! Daddy!" running towards the Commander the man froze in his place. He was prepared for adult coming up to him, asking for their loved ones. But a child. A young child their eyes filled with hopes, the dreamful eyes that do not have fear in them despite the world they lived in. As the kid got closer the man rose his had stopped his remaining squad members. [Y/N] grabbed onto the man's pants with excitement, the [E/C] sparkled as they opened their mouth. "Sir! Is Mommy and Daddy did a great job? They told me that everyone fight with their every power!" the cheerful voice sounded so happy and the Commander felt his heart sunk. He knew, no... most of the Military knew that Yalkell district counted (besides the upper people) one of the most calmed districts at inside Wall Rose since it was close to Wall Sina. It was the last place they always visited if they had lost soldiers, meaning... This kid only lived the days when their parents were lucky enough to live and come back alone.

"What's your name, kid?" kneeling down he gently ran his fingers through the [H/L] [H/C] locks.

"[Y/N] [L/N]" [Y/N] answered but the expression that the man before them held questioned the situation. To be honest it was the first time they saw the whole Scout... "Where is... Mommy and Daddy?"

"I... Your... Your parents did their best to fight the monsters. Lisa [L/N] and Joachim [L/N] died in a heroic battle against the Titans. Giving their lives to save their comrades." bowing his head the Commander waited for a reaction. He knew the kid might burst out crying or screaming but, nothing. When he looked up he just saw the small [H/C] kid walking away. No reaction, nothing, they walked like this didn't even happen. But in reality, those who were standing side saw the face of the small child.

The [S/C] toned kid walked why their eyes were filled with huge tears. Fat drops running down on their cheeks as the view got blurry, yet they didn't make a sound until they were inside the house that was their home. Or at least it was. Was it still? There weren't a Mom and Dad anymore, it was just them.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Five years later [Y/N] sit up in their bed. It's been four years they lived in the Orphanage. The lady who ran the place found [Y/N] on a rainy night as they were about to steal a piece of bread. Just after that, they got told their parents died the man who owned the house kicked out the kid since it wasn't beneficial anymore.

The memories of their own five years old self hittings dogs, just to get back the food that they hardly got. Or when they had to run away from the market when they were caught. Even though their parents were ex-military scout member, going outside of the wall, giving their lives for humanity, it seemed that it meant... nothing. Gripping onto the sheet they jumped out of it. Fixing their now [H/L] lock with their fingers they went towards the kitchen. The rest of the kids were sleeping but it didn't matter. This place was hell, they either worked or cleaned or just studied, not like it was a problem but in honesty. What was it like to be an actual kid? [Y/N] wanted to be a kid run around in the city just later get yelled by one of the Garrison members for being loud, or just to get chased by some old man for breaking a window when they played.

Alexis the nurse who looked over them during the mornings and nights was making some breakfast with the other caregivers. It was supposed to make any kid feel like a huge family but [Y/N] didn't get it. They weren't dumb but it didn't feel like this.

"Oh, [Y/N] good morning! You are early!" the brown-haired woman smiled. " Would you like to eat something? Or do you want to help me?"

"Alexis... when will I get adopted?" getting a small chair [Y/N] helped without a word. Maybe it was the instinct that they grew up with. Helping their mother was normal, maybe Alexis felt like one. Although it can't be admitted since they couldn't look at them like this way. They only mother was the woman who brought into the world and this is the mindset they believed the most or at least felt hard to let go.

"Sweetheart, you are just nine! You act like, no one will come for you! You have so much time! And even though if not, I'll be here for you until you decide to leave..." with a giggle the woman gave them some onion and non-sharp knife. "Please peels those for me." with a nod [Y/N] started the work.

 _I have so much time, to grow up yes... but how much time have before I can avenge them? How much chance do I have to be accepted in the Survey Corps? Is it even possible for me?_ these thoughts filled their mind.

The days just kept running by, time passing like those monster weren't even real, like those monster didn't exist. Things seemed so fake, life seemed so blank, and no matter how things turned out [Y/N] felt like they didn't change. Even after three years...

"I can't believe it!" a crow sounding woman yelled as they treated [Y/N] small wounds that they got. "You and your stupid dreams! Joining the Survey Corps." with a disgusted chuckle the wrinkled lady looked at them. " When will you learn? You are NOT fit for becoming a soldier, maybe your parents were but look at you! They are dead! You want to end up dead as well?" the small kid shook their head. "Then forget about it."

"I don't plan on dying because I'll come back! I'll come back each time, to make sure what I'll do will change our chances!" but instead of yelling, they felt a sharp pain on their face as they received a slap from the lady.

"You and your mindset are what makes others have hope! You should've learned already, you'll either be a portion of food for monsters or you'll be dying for no reason!" standing up the woman rose her hand once again when Alexis opened in into the nursery. She wasn't listening it was just pure luck. Luck that was on [Y/N] side this time.

"Someone is here to adopt one of the kids!" Alexis sounded happy because she was. She helped in the place to saw the kids finding their happiness. Maybe she was a mother figure for some of them, but when a kid got adopted that what made her heart flutter.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

How... this happened again?

[Y/N] looked around, they were now sitting on a horse, in front of a man. He had short dark brown hair, wrinkles on his forehead. He looked really grumpy. His hazel eyes looked angered or emotionless. But how did they ended up with him?

"Um... sir..." talking he received the attention of the man who stopped the animal in their tracks. "Who are you?"

"My name is Keith Sadies. I used to be a cadet with your parents before they died. Although the time when it happened I was a Commander for a different group." as the man spoke the small kid's eyes widened. This man knew their parents. "And when I went to that orphanage I did not think I would found you there [L/N]. But I happened to overhear the woman when she said that one of the children wants to be a Survey Corp."

"Yes! And I'm not backing down! If you want to talk me down about it than I rather go back to that place!" without waiting for Keith to continue [Y/N] spoke up. They were determined about this from a young age and not now will be the time when they get talked down. 

"I won't. Opposite, I would like you to train under my hands." the man said. "For the next two years you'll be training under my hand, like if you were my own blood, and after that, you'll be joining the next Cadet Corps." with a monotonous tone he stated waiting for the reaction.

"And what if you die out there as well?" looking onto the ground [Y/N] felt the weight coming onto their heart. Even if they accept this fate, bearing the fact that their new family dies again leaving them to be alone... were they ready for that?

"I won't, I'll promise that from now that after two years as you became fifteen I'll be stepping off the role being a Commander. I'll make sure that I'll be the Commandant of the 104th Cadet Corps where you'll be trained even harder than before! I'll make sure... and I'll help you avenge the death of your parents." [Y/N] looked into the man's eyes. They were filled with honesty, seriousness, his expression stayed the same. The grumpy man although wasn't close to them nor being a specific somebody to them, but saying they help them their dream was enough. It was enough.

After reaching their new home [Y/N]'s upcoming next two years became an unknown trainee. Mostly Sadies made sure they become good in hand to hand combat and with horses, he didn't want to give that much help to them. Also, the training when they become a Cadet Corp will be much different, meaning they start from zero anyway, but having the kid know the basics can be useful for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I was so mad that in the middle of the writing this my keyboard said "F-ck off" so I had to run and buy a new one. Second, I added [S/C] = Skin Colour if I happened to have once a POC reader. It's a thing that I do not see as much and I do not plan on using it as much since this is not the main point. And third and last, no the first love interest will not be Reiner for this I'm going to give myself a little candy with the first love interest okay? But with that character, I'll have a different fic, okay? Let me have this, just this okay?
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter One - Cadets of the training unit

The birds were singing their own melody on the trees, ducks were flying high on their way to their favourite lake. Keith Sadies the now Commandant of the training field just woke up in the old treehouse.

Getting ready he was about to wake up the child that he adopted two years ago, but [Y/N] was nowhere to be found. Getting on his coat he walked out from the door just to be greeted by the kid.

"Morning." saluting to the man with a wide toothy grin they were ready to go in their own uniform. "The sun is shining and everything is packed up to get to the official training field. I'm ready sir!" [Y/N] tone was cheerful yet definite. They [H/L] [H/C] locks were freshly trimmed giving their own face a more bright look. Their [E/C] eye sparkled like never before as they were fixated their adoptive father's hazel orbs.

"Relax Cadet. Until the opening ceremony, you are still my useless prick." with a joyful smile Sadies ruffled up their hair. Even though they were under a roof together for two years, spending most of the time training even the cold-hearted stoned framed man became a smiling warm-hearted loving father figure. He still used annoying nicknames, but somehow he managed to get a soft spot over the little kid, maybe it was the training that they had after long days or just the simple joy that he felt when [Y/N] looked happy anytime they learned something new. "Look, [L/N]..."

"You know, I know you only know me because of my parents, but I'm your 'child' for two years now." interrupting the man they fixed their hair. "You could at least try to use my actual name! Not some weird mocking nickname, or fatherly cheesy one! And not [L/N] either in the honour of my parents!" crossing their arms in front of their chest they narrowed their eyebrows. "I'll admit I did not refer you either as a father either because I called you Commandant, Sir but... I think we can say we are a family now!"

"That's not happening." with a slight head turn Keith looked away. "You are still just a kid! You are under my wings as a training cadet! There will be no such things!"

"You are so mean!" pouting they puffed their cheeks but soon let out the air with a sigh. "Let's just head to the Training Camp, I don't want others to think that I am the Commandant little kid that got here easy." turning away on the heels [Y/N] jumped onto the horse, soon this old will be changed off a new one when they finally start to learn how to become a good Scout Regiment soldier.

≪ °❈° ≫

_The small child kneeled onto the muddy ground. The rain didn't stop, and it started to get dark. They knew that Sadies told them they will train, hard, but this was unbearable! They were out for four hours now and it's an hour now since the weather worsened!_

_"Are we done?!" with a whiny tone [Y/N] looked at the man standing in front of him. He was in some old pants his old trainee shirt. The old white shirt now was a blurry yellow with blood and mud stains on it. "My muscles hurt! We are out for hours now! Sadies please!"_

_"You can do it! Come at me once again as your life depends on it!" ordering the small kid the man put his hands behind his back once again as he watched the kid standing up. He saw his own hazel-gold eyes how tired [Y/N] was. He wanted to give them a rest he truly did, but turning back now would be a waste. Since he decided to raise them, to make them a soldier he never could become he put everything into the daily training. They were supposed to be training for only a few hours but today Keith thought changing this could help on their strength. [Y/N] had the spirit, they had the courage to stand up on days when the man's heart melted from the view of the kid. Times when their [S/C] body looked bruised, full of scratches and wounds as they tripped or injured themself in the forest. He did not train them to use special gear but he did help them learn common things. Climbing a tree, sneaking in the bushes, running laps, riding a horse, hand to hand combats -although Sadies only used his legs for dodging and did not attack them- and small tricks for survival in case of getting lost or being left behind on the battlefield._

_The man who saw the love of his life marrying a man, seeing that beautiful woman with an angelic kid. The man who saw hundreds of his comrades dying by titans, a man who saw nightmare triggering demons when they broke through the wall. He should have let know of those to [Y/N] he should have. But he never told it, even he didn't understand why. Maybe inside, somewhere deep down he wished this kid to fail, to turn back, to stay there and just be a Garrison or part of the Military Police._

_He was brought back to his focus when he saw the small kid wiping away the mud and raindrops from their face, grabbing onto the wooden knife. [Y/N] charged towards the taller man who first wanted to dodge, but the [E/C] orbs noticed the movement as he started. They knew that if he would now attack from left his enemy would take a slight dodge for the right keeping their weight on one leg while the other goas back. Before officially attacking they tried to hold back the speed, turning their body [Y/N] pushed their heel into the ground making a mirrored turn as their teacher but just a few inches away from them they quickly ducked down trying to kick the man's ankle. For the first time, Sadies moved from his spot hopping away. With a small grumble, the kid put their hands onto the ground giving themself a weaker push as they brought back their legs.  
Directly looking into Keith's eyes they had them frozen and soon the ran against him elbowing him on the stomach. Even though they were supposed to use the fake knife [Y/N] had the fear they would end up hurting them. They knew hand to hand combat is important if something happens between civilians but the main target was Titans, not humans..._

≪ °❈° ≫ _  
_

"[L/N]! [Y/N] [L/N]!" hearing their name [Y/N] shook their head looking up. Why all of sudden would they remember something like this? "Get off of that damn horse and had to the training field!" throwing the bag at the now young-teen Keith watch them nod without a word. "You'll be in a specialized cabin with those who couldn't fit in the girls or boys either! I do not want to hear any whining! From now on, you are my official Cadet of the training unit of 104! If you fail anything I'll make sure you cannot become a soldier!"

"What?! But Sadies you said-"

"I said what I said, yes! But you were under my wings as a child, you under my wings as a cadet who wants to fight for humanity! The weak shall fall and the strong go forward giving their lives to the military and hearts to their home! Understood!?" he looked way more serious than before, even [Y/N] felt a scared by him using a frightening tone. So he will go even harder than ever. Great...

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Standing up next to each other, perfectly organized rows every new cadet waited for their new Commandant appearance. Soon Sadies come and started talking. [Y/N] mind just went black from routine. They were used to the old grumpy voice, their eye followed the man as he walked around asking some of their names and where are they from, but some of them just got ignored. Was there a reason for it? Or he was just randomly nit-picking people by their look.

"And who the hell are you?!" standing in front of a slightly smaller male than himself Sadies looked down onto the two hair coloured boy. The boy had a long face or at least this is what looked like, maybe because of just him going through their teens. His nose was thin yet straight, almond-shaped eyes with strict corners on the side. His temple was barely seeable due to his hair, yet from the ear to the back he was shaved all around only the top of his light brownish locks.

"Jean Kirschtein from Trost, sir!" his voice was sharp yet deep. Glancing there from the corner of their eyes. He looked really calm despite their Commandant presence and tone.

"What are you here for?!" the follow-up question seemed so surprising to him. What did he expect that his mind is readable or what?

 _Your look doesn't state the obvious dumbass..._ with the thought [Y/N] let out the air from their lungs.

"Ah... To join the Military Police Brigade and reside in the Inner District, sir..." the answer seemed embarrassed and shameful. He must not be proud of their actual intentions then. As Sadies asked questioned back once again the male thought he safe but the moment he received a headbang from him [Y/N] couldn't resist to let out a painful hiss in empathy. They knew how painful that was, there was not one time when they were the one achieving that punishment before when they asked a stupid question or answered one.

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Sadies, why can't we train kids?" this was the first stupid question ever that [Y/N] asked and made them receive a beheading. With a painful groan, they massaged the area on their forehead as they pushed back the [H/C] bangs. "Why did you do that?"_

_"Why would we train kids?! Kids are up to grown-up, and have themself decide about their own fate! Not everyone is like you! Not everyone comes from a place where they experienced something terrifying." with a strict voice he answered as he turned back fixing his gear. From that point, stupid answer and stupid question were gifted with a beheading._

≪ °❈° ≫

Was the view of their new comrades humiliating and disgusting? Yes, yes it was but [Y/N] wasn't in the position anymore to speak up about this. Not like they were ever in that situation. Soon their thought got broken when they heard the footsteps of the man. A sheer moment of fear run through their spine as they [E/C] met the familiar hazel orbs.

"What's your name MAGGOT?!" biting into their lip [Y/N] seriously felt struggling not to bite back with a comment. This not home, it's not a playground, nor is it a family training anymore, Keith Sadies they Commandant and not their father right now. "Cat got your tongue or you just blatantly stupid?! What's your name Cadet!"

"[Y/N] [L/N] from Yalkell, sir!" gripping onto their own jacket behind their back they faced the old man. No expression, just like a stone.

"What are you here for?!" he must do these on purpose because the urge to yell back at him in the most disrespectful manner just wanted to burst out.

"To join the Survey Corps and finish of the monsters of the outside wall to avenge humanity, sir!" they really hoped the answer will be fulfilling and Sadies was just about to talk when the silence got interrupted by the noise of eating. [Y/N] went pale as both they and their Commandant looked to the side watching a rust-brown haired girl eating a potato.

_You fricking kidding me right?! What the hell is she thinking?!_

The attention from them quickly ran onto the girl, who seemed unbothered. As Keith yelled with her just ended up resulting for Sasha -as she stated real calm despite being in huge trouble- to run a hundred laps. The rest of the opening was done and everyone was free to go to their cabins.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

"Uh... can I take the upper bunk?" pointing at the upper bed next to the door a girl with black hair gently having them in pigtail on the sides.

"Ah, sure..." with a struggle of remembering her name [Y/N] tried to avoid their gaze.

"Mina, Mina Carolina!" she corrected them. "It's okay, I saw you weren't really paying attention out there... I bet it's not that interesting to watch others when you are so focused on your goal." the girl started packing out their stuff. "Maybe if I saw you glancing onto some of them [Y/N]."

"Well, the stupid ones, and the idiots who think they can just be easily saved after training did catch my eye, I'm not gonna lie." with a sigh they started packing out at the down bunks at the end of the cabin. Soon more people walked inside to the cabin.

Thomas Wagner, Hanna Diament, Nack Tierce and Famke Bernhard get to be their new roommates. They only had small talks before changing into their more civilian items of clothing instead of their cadet uniform. [Y/N] learned most of their birthplace and the reasoning why they joined, but most of them only had the reason of being safe, or just blatantly stated 'because it was a family wish'. Which sounds really ridiculous, since who would want their own blood to die on the battlefield where most of the soldier gets eaten and might never come back?

"[Y/N]! [Y/N]!" putting her hands onto their shoulder Caroline leaned into their view. "Are you coming? We should really head to the mess hall now." 

"Oh yeah, yeah you are right! Sorry!" shaking their head they gave the girl a warm smile and started to walk with their comrades into the mess hall.

The wooden hall was filled with cadets. Some of them were already eating, some just talk to the others as they sat down to the tables. But there was a group in the back standing around a table asking multiple questions.

"How big was it?!" it was Nack's voice.

"Tall enough to look over the wall." another male voice answered, maybe something titan related, should they listen as well? But for what reason, is it really matters what type of is the monster is? A monster is a monster. The questions kept going and [Y/N] didn't really want to give any attention to it.

"What about the Armored Titan? The one that broke through Wall Maria?"

"Does it matter?!" with an annoyed tone [Y/N] received the room's attention. "A titan is a titan, Armored, Colossal, average or just a plain small one, does it matter? They ate humans, they kill people and that's what matters, they are the enemy!" sitting down to a table they let out a growled sigh. "If you are so afraid of them or just score high to be in the Military Police! If you are stupid enough to frighten yourself even more than back out now! The weak should just fall out!" soon they turned back to the boy and continued talking and nothing really moved [Y/N] interest.

"You seriously said you want to join the Recon Corps?" the familiar voice made them lookup. They saw the guy -Jean was it?- talking to the previous guy. "How foolish is it?"

"You are joining the Military police to take it isn't, aren't you?" well something they agreed about that long-faced guy.

"I was just honest! I'm not stupid to risk my life when I'm terrified to die." Jean stated in a calm manner. The two male stood up and the aura of the room tensed up, were they about to fight? It seemed like that, but were they really?

"Oi... guys..." with a halftone [Y/N] tried to speak but their voice got overpowered by the bell that stated that dinner time is over. If those two end up making a fuss Sadies gonna make most of them suffer. In safe that would be the best to avoid that. Standing up from their seat they cleaned up after themself and started to walk out from the mess hall when they got stopped by somebody. "Hm?" turning their head they faced a guy who was least 6 inches taller than them.

"You are [Y/N] right?" the husky toned guy asked. They had short blonde hair, a wide face with strong features.

"Depends on who's asking?" was this really necessary? They had enough things to think about, this place wasn't about making friends!

"You really did not pay attention, huh?" the male tried to talk back to get an upper hand but it failed as they saw the [E/C] orb turning in annoyance.

"You weren't even asked, idiot... Sadies asked only those he thought felt way calm about their positions, the ones who feared even just the thought of being here. He left out the strong ones who would die in an instant but still look into the eyes of the monster without fear." with widening eyes [Y/N] realised how big own kick was into themself. Because in fact, Keith asked them! Looking at the wooden wall they beheaded so hard even the other must have felt it, but they just stepped like nothing happened to scold themself inside.

"Woah, Woah! Are you okay?!" the man grabbed their shoulders trying to achieve the focus of their comrade standing right in front of them. "What was it good for?!"

"Shut up! It's because you asked a stupid question! It's hella annoying to hear others cry about the situation or questions it! You came here to fight not to cry! Fight for your life, fight for humanity! FIGHT TO LIVE!" it wasn't actually directed toward the guy but they needed to let out the boiling gas inside their head.

"Oh, okay, okay relax. I'm sorry..." putting up their hand the male narrowed their eyebrows. Was he seeing a Keith fan or something? This person had the same attitude and energy when it came to being a soldier. As the situation went quiet they heard footsteps getting to them.

"Reiner, what happened?" a tall thin goy with wide shoulders asked, he had real simple features and short black hair.

"I was just about to ask something from them, but soon they just hit their head against the wall." the man answered to their friend. [Y/N] looked up at the guy with an intense red spot on their forehead. Letting out a huff he achieved boys guys look.

"Reiner right?" asking the guy they waited as they slowly massaged the painful area.

"Yes, Reiner Braun and I-" not even letting them finish they pointed into their face.

"If you have more stupid questions! First, prove to me that you are not just some prick who tries to get into the walls to live a peaceful life! Until then I don't want to hear anything!" and with that, they turned on their heels leaving the two alone. "I don't need more horse-face type guy to hold be back with their idiotic mentality!" with the last yell from their cabin [Y/N] swung the door hard as they shut it most of them looked out from their own cabins.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

"Achoo!" with a sneeze Jean sat up in his bed.

"Bless you!" Connie said as he turned in his own bed. "Now shut up and go to sleep Jean! After you just wiped that disgusting thing to me or what I hope you are not actually sick!" with a growl the golden eyes shave headed male growled as they pulled the sheets onto their head.

"I told you it was my faith in others!" Jean yelled back.

"I don't give a heck just shut up and sleep!" another guy yelled in the cabin.

"Guys c'mon! Just sleep we get in trouble at Sadies if he finds us!" Marco spoke up. But no one bothered to answer him.

Clicking his tongue Jean just turned towards the wall as he laid back down onto his bed covering himself up with the sheets. Why was he the one getting yelled when it was just a sneeze? IS everyone here an idiot or they just trying so sit high on their horses? Ridiculous but when he will get into the top student the others will be apologizing to him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to change a few things and also keep them the same. Some phrase is from the anime/manga or got rewritten by me. And no I do not plan a good start for Y/N with anyone but I hope it's seeable. And if you guessed yes the first love interest will be Jean (let me have this okay?) but things will change obviously! I'm trying real hard to stay as unisex and non-fully relatable (so it won't be a self-insert).
> 
> If you guys have any idea how can I change things to stay like this or give better writing feel free to comment about it. It's my first time writing something like this. So I am open to it!


	4. Chapter Two - The Warm Feeling Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this week this is my last update I'll be still writing the chapters and try to make them longer or this long, but for now, the only sure thing is that I'll like this writing more (despite being my first time) than my normal fanfictions.

It has been maybe a week since everything started. And today they were running through the forest with heavily packed bags. What was in them specifically? No one had any idea about it.

The rain was reading as it will never stop, the road got so muddy some people slipped during their runs. The view got blurry despite wearing their hood to cover themselves, the air was cold making their lungs itch in the inside as their body was burning up. [Y/N] knew strength was one of their weakness despite a lot of training that they went through. They saw a bit longer haired blond guy -Armin Alert if they recall it correctly- who was about to pass out when someone helped him out. With the hood in, it's so hard to recognize anyone, and Sadies just rides his horse on the side. It's stupid but needed.  
Going up on the hill with a wrong step [Y/N] slipped falling towards. The pain that ran through their body as it suddenly stopped was indescribable. Like they just moved in their entire life and this was their first time stopping. The first time when they finally stopped to rest and all muscle burned.

"Fuck..." growling to themself their hand balled into a fist. "Move, move dammit! I can't fall out now!" giving a slight pep talk to themself they tried to hype up their own spirit. The sounds were dull, their head felt heavy. Were...were they passing out? This will be the moment when they broke? How?

"Oh no, you won't gonna get out now!" a strict toned voice spoke. Feeling a strong grasp on the arms they felt their body moving. "C'mon you, egoistic idiot! Move!" with slow blinks, the [E/C] orbs tried to focus on the situation. "[Y/N] you either get it together or I rat you out at Sadies!"

"Gnhm..." with a painful voice they turned their head onto the side just to met with a cream-brown honey mixed eyes. "Horse-face?"

"It's Jean! NOW GET IT TOGETHER AND MOVE!" the yelling sounded much more like scolding, but [Y/N] just smiled. "What the heck are you smiling about? Do you know how hard was it to catch up to you crazy maniac? What kind of strength you even have?!"

"A weak one." with a chuckle they tried to move their legs again. Running seemed impossible but with the support, walking could work. But what Jean meant by catching up? For what they remember they were around the middle, before seeing Armin running in front of them after getting back the bag from the other. "Wait, is that the camp?" pointing down from the hill [Y/N] looked back seeing the others running. "What...?"

"You have something within your head! After Reiner helped out Armin, you said something 'I can't let a weak win over this' and started sprinting! If I let you win there will be no chance for me to get into the top students!" Jean said as he started to let go and running forward still holding onto his comrade's arm. "[Y/N] if you do this again bet I won't let you win!" looking back into the [E/C] orbs the hood fell of from both of their heads. The [H/L] [H/C] locks flew in the air as the rain started to glue them onto their [S/C]. A wide toothy smiled appeared on the two hair coloured male's face as his lips curved up revealing small dimples on his face. [Y/N] felt their heart beating faster as small bubbles formed in their stomach. What was this sudden feeling? Was it jealousy that the boy was more fit? Was the annoyance of falling in the top and needing help?

_Is this that excitement that Keith felt when he talked about Carla?_

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Say Sadies..." putting their backpack onto the floor [Y/N] looked at the man. They just arrived back from the woods after training for two days straight about survival. "You always said you wanted to adopt me as an honour of my parents."_

_"It is indeed true, kid. What about it?" looking at them Sadies started to make the table before cooking the dinner. "Do you have more questions about them?"_

_"No." shaking their heads [Y/N] cleaned their hands to help out the old man. "During camp, you were talking in your sleep." the small kid chuckled and went quiet for a bit. "Whose Carla?" the [E/C] coloured eyes watched as the now bald man froze in his place. A few seconds later he continued his doing as he remained silent. "Was she your family? A comrade? Or your wife? If so didn't you guys have kids?"_

_"Silence!" yelling without looking at them Sadies started to make the dinner. "Get ready for sleeping and then eat! You have so much more to train! The last today you were horrible! You barely remembered what I had thought you previously!"_

_"But I just..."_

_"If you were just a little bit of smarter nothing have ever happened to you! You are not special, kid! You are just one of the thousands who got lucky in life!" although his intentions weren't to let out his anger on the kid he did. Taking a deep breath he turned towards the small child but they were already leaving the room. "Hey..."_

_"I'm sorry for asking... I'll go take a bath and we can eat. I'm sorry for the unnecessary question, sir." closing the door behind themselves they left the old man alone._

**-**

_Sitting at the table there was a tension. It wasn't a bad one, more like a painful one. It was painful for the man in his forties as a sensitive got topic brought up. And it was painful for [Y/N] getting told the obvious they knew. This fight was uncalled for, both of them knew they only had each other, being on good terms will not help!_

_" **I'm sorry...** " both of them spoke at the same time after finishing the food._

_"Ah, I'm sorry Sir! It was uncalled for me to ask personal questions! I just thought, that knowing more about... you... could get..." biting off the end [Y/N] went silent._

_"No, I am sorry... You have every right to ask about things that you don't know nor can you explain." Keith answered. "Carla was a woman that I once loved, but a smarter man married her, and they had this angelic kid too..." while telling the story he looked at the child sitting at next to him at the end of the table. "I, I was jealous that the man I got behind the walls could get her, although he deserved her more. They had this special connection, and at the time I believed I am that special enough to stop the Titans. But everything fell apart when a monster that I've never seen before broke through the wall." until this point [Y/N] listened to him, now they understood why was he so strict about training and knowing how to survive._

_"And you adopted me... because?"_

_"I knew your parents and I knew their mindset, and maybe I slightly hope you resemble them. I can't have an offspring on my own, so I decided I train one. It was truly pure luck I found you... but I don't regret a thing." with a warm smile he ruffled up their hair. Getting off from the chair [Y/N] walked up to him and giving him a warm hug leaving the man speechless. "What the..."_

_"I might not be your kid, but I think you are a really good Dad! And I'll make sure you won't be disappointed in me!" tightening the embrace soon they felt the other's hugging them back without a word._

≪ °❈° ≫

Getting under the roof [Y/N] took a deep breath as their chest rose and fall. Their heart was in their throat, blood drumming in their ears. Both them and Jean threw the bags to the side as they leaned against the wall.

"You owe me one!" the boy smiled.

"I... owe... you... nothing..." taking a breath between the words, the [E/C] orbs font together with the honey golden cream-brown eyes. "But thanks..." gently hitting him on the shoulder they gave him a smile. An honest and genuine one. For the first time, Jean was happy his face was red from the heat as he felt from the running because he thought that, that small smile could've made him blush.

Soon they got interrupted by the panting and footsteps of others who finally reach the camp. Everyone looked at the two in amazement, but it couldn't last long as the heavy sound of hooves closed up. [Y/N] looked at the commandant who just frowned his eyebrows.

"[L/N] into my office!" yelling onto his cadet, Sadies left them there to put his stallion back to the stables.

 _Great, I'm getting scolded, aren't I?_ rolling their eyes they went to their cabin for a quick change before visiting Keith.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Closing the door behind themselves, they watched the old man sitting at their table looking over papers. After seconds of quiet and the rustling sound of paper [Y/N] walked closer.

"Commandant!" speaking with a bit scared tone they achieved the hazel orbs attention. "I was asked to come because... I did something wrong!" trying to figure out the exact reason they slightly looked onto the paper, it was all the cadet's papers with their information on them. Was he going to send them home?!

"I called you because of the reckless motivation that you showed in a couple of days. Today you ran until your body gave up on in the instant when you fell." rolling their lip between their teeth [Y/N] scolded themself. They knew Sadies saw it but hoped it would not get commented. "Yesterday you skipped the entire school day just to practice your skills with not needed weapons, such as bow, knife and guns. And I am madder that you are aware that the guns are still under research meaning you risked getting injured. The day before you refused to have a hand to hand combat against your own pair and just skipped it entirely." the [E/C] orbs widened, were they really not giving hell to all of this? But how? Yeah sure they went weapon practising, and sure they didn't want to have a hand to hand combat. But... "And!" bringing them back from their thought Sadies stood up towering them. "I, in fact, know that all of this you caught a cold during the begging of the week because you went out a late-night training! I know just perfectly how reckless you become when you are sick since all muscle and gene in your body want to fight against things that could hold you back!"

"Sadies, look I... Yes, I might've gotten a little cold, but if I let that stop me from training and sweating out the stress than I'm not a good soldier!" this time there was no respectful tone, nothing that would've shown their ranks between them. [Y/N] talked to him like as their child to their worried father. "I was stupid and reckless, I was!"

"SILENCE!" yelling at them Keith knocked their head into their forehead. "I know my own cadet that I've been training for more than two years now!" he continued while he watched them rubbing the painful spot on their head. "Look at me." as soon as their eyes focused back onto the man Sadies put their hands onto their shoulders. "I'm going to talk to you as your father now, not as your Commandant, or your Teacher. [Y/N], even though I wish you to be the best of all, to fight through blood and sweat, I cannot allow you to ruin it all!" they eyes widened. The first time when Sadies used their name. He talked about them like they were their actual blood and the feeling that spread through their body. He was actually worried... "[Y/N], [Y/N] look at me, I want you to be the soldier who saves others, and comes back! I want you but I also want you not to die by overworking yourself! Please, as your father I am asking you to take off a few days to feel better!" even though they didn't want to cry, no, they hated crying when there was a possibility to be seen now [Y/N] filled the crocodile tears falling down on their cheeks. They [S/C] was stained by the mud, the sweat and the small founds felt they were ripping open to bleed again. It was just in their head, they knew they knew it was just in their head because of the happiness... the overwhelming happiness that they felt!

"I... I'm..." their voice buckled and faint sobs interrupted their speaking. "I'm so sorry! I just thought if I don't work hard enough you'll send me home!" putting their foreheads against each other to avoid eye contact they kept speaking. "Since took me home, I only thought about making you proud, I wanted to make Mom and Dad proud, I wanted to believe they'll see me through your eyes Sadies! But in honesty... I'm terrified!" yelling into the air they held onto Keith's coat like they life depended on it. "I don't want to go home, I don't want to die, I don't want anyone to die! I know you kept all the Wall Maria accident away from me, but... but... what happens if I'll be on the battlefield and freeze?! It's on my mind non-stop! No matter how hard I try to give myself that stupid beheading it won't go away!" feeling the arms wrapping around their back and pulling them into a tight hug [Y/N] finally burst out crying into their father's neck crook.

"I know, I know... I don't want to lose you either, but I can't stop you from this." with a faint voice Sadies words echoed in their head. "That's why [Y/N] please, please stop just for a few days and rest, get better, make friends... just for those days be a child again! I forced you to grow up and fight, I was never, and never will be able to give you back that precious childhood..." running his fingers into the [H/C] locks Sadies drawing circles on their scalp trying to calm them down. "I'm not the best father and never will be, but you gave me a chance to be! Please, just this one time, this one time listen to me as your father and not as your Commandant!" nodding into the man's shoulder they remained silent. Never in their life, they thought will see the truly soft and caring side of the man, who decided to adopt them in the chance of making a good soldier. Yet here they were...

_I can't die, nor can I give up, not now that I am so close, and I have a place to come home, not anymore!_

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Walking on the now dried up road [Y/N] had their eye red, puffed up but with a warm smile on their face. The stress and happiness in them finally balanced themselves out and made their mind peaceful for a moment. They should head to the mess hall before the dinner times will be over. Letting out a sigh for who knows how many times today just after crying in front of their dad.

"Get it together [Y/N]! You are Keith Sadies's child! You are better than this!" giving themselves the pep talk they balled their hands into a fist, letting the nails carving into their palm. Pulling it closer to their chest just to hit into their air with it.

"You are Sadies's kid?" a male voice interrupted them and they froze in place.

 _Oh, fuck..._ slowly turning on their heels they faced with the wide-shouldered guy, hazel orbs, golden-blonde short hair.

"Reiner! Hi! What a pleasant surprise!" with a peal of nervous laughter [Y/N] hid their hands behind their back straightening their back. "Me? Sadies child? Pfft! Don't make me laugh!"

"But you just said it!" he pointed at them. "You just give yourself a pep talk about it!" stepping closer they tried to search in their expression.

"ME?! Reiner are you sick? Hallucinating weird things! We look nothing alike with Commandant Sadies!" looking away [Y/N] mover their [E/C] eyes to avoid the guy's gaze.

"So you wouldn't be minding, me telling it to the others? Right? Since pity rumours don't affect a strong person like you, am I right [Y/N]?" fondling his arms in front of their chest. Leaning a bit lower he watched the scared widening eyes. "So it is true indeed!"

"Okay, okay yes! But you cannot tell them!" shaking their head they put up their hands in defeat. "Look I tell you everything you want to know but you must promise me not tell it to anyone!" with a frustrated breath they grabbed the Reiner's arm to drag themselves away from any questioning eyes.

Arriving behind some of the emptier cabins [Y/N] pushed him onto the old wooden bench. Standing in front of him, they looked around making sure no one is around. They will be really talking about this, aren't they? This is the most thing they wanted to avoid.  
Massaging their nose bridge they took a few deep breaths before getting their thought together, they will only answer things that need for their comrade nothing more! Well sure won't ask anything stupid right? If he does they just give him a headbang. After the minutes of silence, the [E/C] orbs under the medium length lashes were fonding into the other golden-haze eyes.

"Sadies is my adoptive father. He adopted me around when I was like... thirteen or so... and he trained me before officially letting me join the Training Corps because he knew my intentions to become a soldier." explaining the basics [Y/N] watched what the blonde male would react but he remained calm. "But he and I were aware that as his child I'm not allowed here, training under your parent could cause some real problems, this is why name stayed [Y/N] [L/N] also as an honour towards my parents."

"But... why? Were they soldiers as well?" after asking the question Reiner only received an eye roll. "What? I don't know anything about you! You avoid everyone besides your cabin mates and Jean! Some people think that you two actually going out!" just the thought of this made [Y/N] blush. "What? Is that true as well?"

"No! Of course not! Damn horse-face, not even a little bit my type! Don't be an idiot! I'm here to fight for humanity not to get a lover!" scolding Reiner they gave him a small hit on the head with the side of their hand in a chopping movement. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

"Okay, okay stop!" with a chuckle, he grabbed [Y/N]'s hand and pulled them in. "Okay, so go on."

"Let go off me you flirt!" pulling their hands away they rubbed their wrist where the other held onto them. "So yeah, I wanted to focus on my goal, than to actually make connections, but I got scolded today by Sadies because he knows me the most... I thought he wants to send me home..."

"I mean I would've been surprised after you fall at the end of today's training when Jean helped you out. I mean you are strong, and you have a clear goal that you want to achieve." smiling at them Reiner stood up. "But also, you have to back down, we learn to fight for ourselves and for others as well. If you don't have your comrades trust, then who would help you on the verge of death?" putting his hands onto their shoulders he gave them a slight squeeze. "[Y/N] I think everyone wants to fight for their and families lives just as much as you do..." they smiled back at the taller male and then nodded. "That's the spirit! Now let's go eat something before they rang the bell!" stepping away he started to walk away.

**-**

Walking into the mess hall looking around the others were just happily talking or eating, or just repeating studies they struggled with. Were they always this lively? It's like they don't have that fear in them that they had in the start. As soon as Mina spotted out her cabin mate she waved from a table where they were all sitting.

"[Y/N] here!" she sounded so cheerful. This girl so not cut out for battle.

"Mina, leave it, they won't sit here." Nack stated rolling their eyes while Thomas just chuckled. With a smile [Y/N] looked at Reiner who gave him a couraging look.

Getting quickly their food they walked to the table sitting in front of the others with a warm smile. Nack's eyes widened, while Mina just smiled back then turning back to her book talking about the previous lessons that they had in school. This time even though they didn't speak [Y/N] made sure to pay attention to catch up with what they missed.

"Okay Thomas, look... this part of the gear here, it is specifically shaped like a shuttlecock so it doesn't interfere with the fas coming in through the intake port!" Carolina with here dark brown almost black eyes looked at the male with sparkling excitement. "And through here it goes to the vertical manoeuvring device!"

"Yeah, yeah I get it!" the male whined. "My problem is that the main tap being there, it's ultimately useless!" he pointed on the picture about the small device.

"It's has a reason!" Mina answered.

"She is right, I mean I do get your point." [Y/N] spoke up getting the attention from the others at the table. "Thomas is fully right having the problem with it, because if it loosens up just a little bit, it can make the whole gear broke, or have an uncomfortable feeling during movement, getting our attention away from the target."

"See?!" Thomes smiled with a prideful toothy grin.

"However, Mina is even more correct, without that we would need to learn the devices by each, and not in all. The main tap helps you to keep control over when you use the gas or when do use the steel wire." looking at the girl with a smile [Y/N] saw the girl feeling happy as she boxed into the air as a win. Nack just let out a sigh, before looking into his comrades [E/C] eyes. He wanted to speak, or at least say sorry for the rude comment. "It's okay, you were a bit right about it." the sudden words surprised him. "I was really cold towards everyone and believed I am the best, but I'll take a little break to put things into their places, and catch up." putting the spoon into their mouth they continued eating.

"Heh, yeah I bet... it would be shameful to lose against a cool guy like me!" Nack took the words as a compliment just to raise his ego.

"If you are a cool guy I'm a fricking royal blooded God!" biting back [Y/N] chuckled. As they gazed at each other, soon they burst out in laughter. From here on the dinner went in a way calmer and warmer mood. It felt like a little bit of childhood, and adulthood mixing together. That warm feeling when you are with those who you love and want to protect. Although there was uncomfortable feeling like someone was burning a hole into their nape.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

For a few days [Y/N] really did try to focus on their studies, catch up to others, and rest as much as possible. Feeling much better, their health got better.

"You sure?" Mina asked as she watched them getting ready.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Also, you and Thomas helped a lot with the normal studies that I've missed, Nack and Hanna helped me fixing my things. But I'm really sad that we let Famke, fall out. She really didn't deserve to go home!" with a saddening smile they looked at the now-empty spaced bed.

"Yeah, but she kept having breakdowns, it was safer for her own health." Thomes spoke up as he fixed his jacket on himself. "But enough talking, today we finally practice balance so we can use our manoeuvring gears!" he grinned looking and the other two in the cabin.

"Oh yeah, to prove Mina wrong?" [Y/N] pinched the boy's arm before walking towards the door. "The balance test proves nothing, Thomas! More like it will prove her side!" Mina put her tongue out playfully before following her comrade.

"That's not fair! You are siding with her [Y/N]! I feel attacked where is that big support you've talked about?" running after them he tried to sound serious and hurt, but all of them knew it wasn't true. At this point, it was just a strong joke that the three of them had.

[Y/N] felt happy, they finally felt like enjoying things beside improving their own skills. They even had fun through doing the balance test that most of them passed except one kid. He was Eren Jeager. If [Y/N] recalled correctly the man who married Carla was named Grisha Jeager, and this guy is his son. Although things happened in the past they didn't think Sadies had anything against them now, he was over it... right?  
But no matter how hard Eren tried, he either busted his head into the ground or just completely flipped hanging upside down. Was he really this bad? How could he come so far yet be so unbalanced?!

"Tomorrow Jeager! If you fail again you'll be sent home!" Sadies voice sounded so confident about the thought. But even if he did something or at least just happy to send a kid like him home, [Y/N] can't talk into this. That would count as sabotage...

The day passed so quick the sun was already setting, making the sky different gradient of blue, purple, yellow and orange and maybe a warm red down on the horizon. The sky looked so beautiful, that the fact there was rain here a few days before seemed ridiculous! But the moment of peace and enjoyment of the view was disturbed by a flower appearing in front of them.

"Huh?" looking at it they followed the arm that led up to a certain face. "Horse-face!" with a smile you grinned at him. He wore a white long-sleeved shirt with brown trousers.

"It's Jean you..." biting off the words he held back his comment. "Nevermind, I thought we could go on a walk before dinner! You know, just to hang out!"

"Ah, well..." with a corner of their eye [Y/N] gazed towards their cabin where their friends were heading laughing. "Actually I thought about going out to the nearest village with everyone!" they [E/C] orbs sparkled while their eyes shined in the sunlight making the male frustrated.

"Uh, oh I see! But I don't think Sadies would be happy about it!" slightly raising his shoulder he looked unsure about the idea. "Also others might not want to come! But I can ask around so you-" he offered but they just saw a hand in front of their face silencing them. "What?"

"See? You don't want to get into trouble either! Then I'm not risking to walk around, maybe after we finished here, I mean... you are a good guy, really! And just as I, you changed a lot too Jean! For example, you and Marco became good friend just like I did with Mina and the others!" patting him on the arm they stepped away. "I promise after I beat you in class we can hang out!" they chuckled leaving the other stunned.

"What? Who told you I'll let you beat me! No way!" he yelled after them, and when they disappeared from the view Jean smiled to himself. He really liked them, there wasn't any specific. Maybe their intelligence or they had some special charm to them or the fact they were just great when it comes to hand to hand combat. For sure Jean only knew [Y/N] felt different.  
But in honestly not only the dual haired boy noticed it, but a certain blonde male as well, who just slowly tried to get close to them. And mostly because they found out something about them that they wanted to keep a secret, so suddenly just being friends would mean for them that they want something.

"Reiner! Can ask you and Bertoldt for help?" Armin spoke up with Eren on his side his head being bandaged up. The short-haired blonde nodded as they walked into their cabin.


	5. Chapter Three - Flying Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look it's a bit cheesy okay? But I wanted a cheesy chapter because I have like one or two chapters before everything seriously starts. Also, I thought having just Jean x Reader but I'm not sure about that one yet.
> 
> Oh yeah, and I will use the VMG (which is used by the Kodansha Comics) to refer to the 3DMG. I'm sorry but I like that more.

_"Sweetie! Look what book Dad and I brought you!" the melodic voice of their mother made [Y/N] calm. But they weren't actually bothered or were they? Who knows... Soon in front of their eyes, there was a huge book. It looked old, cracks and ripped parts on it, surely it had its better days. "You always asked us what it is like to go out, right?" with a small nod as a yes they excitedly sat down to the table. "Well, it might not be a lot but this what I and Dad have seen since we were training cadets. It might not be a lot or end up sounding boring for you! But for now, it's better than nothing!"_

_"Lisa just show it to them already! Can't you see how excited they're about it?" a sore male voice spoke, ruffling up the [H/C] locks. "[Y/N] make sure you'll be careful with this. The things in it might not look as appealing as the information, but what we felt and what's your imagination tells about them are really different!" he smiled onto the kid. "We wrote this notebook during our cadet years and also tried to write down where are they. So when we'll be able to go out without fear we'll find them! Like a treasure hunt!" he gave a toothy smile to the kid._

_"Like in those tales?" with sparkling eyes [Y/N] got even more excited as they got the book in front of them. It was a treasured notebook which was made by their parents! Their small heart fluttered from happiness and joy._

Opening their [E/C] orbs [Y/N] slowly sat up in their bed. Was it all just a dream? Or just a quick flash of memory? They knew that their parents did have a small notebook that looked so worn out, but after moving from their old home... were they even keeping it? If so, where? Was it back at Sadies house? Or did they pack it up? [Y/N] remembered never looking into it again until they found the first place close to the cadet corps. It was before their parents left for their last mission. The memory was vogue and the whereabouts even hazier.

Turning on the side of the bed they let their feet touch with the wooden flooring. Looking around in the cabin they noticed that everyone was pretty much deep in sleep. The sun wasn't even up meaning it must be around four or five in the morning. The sun rises around six and they up by the time when the bright light comes through the window. Thomas being the one in the morning whining about how he would like to have some more rest while Nack just gets ready for an early warm-up.  
With silent steps -and really faint creaks from the floor- [Y/N] walked to the small commode opening one of its drawers. There was nothing specific besides some clothes and books that Mina always read before night time. Pushing back they opened the second which was filled with Thomas's and Nack's belongings. The last two drawers were just simple openable. On the right side was, just usual things, candles, the candlestick for it and some matches to light it. The left-wing had what they were looking for. On the upper part where their clothes and the cadet uniform. Down there were a few other stuff, first, it was the book that they got from Sadies when he first taught the basic of survival. Under that, there was a notebook that [Y/N] made writing down the things they learned by themselves in case if it comes handy. Behind those, there was laying a really worn out notebook.

Gently getting it out [Y/N] set back to the bed opening it. The papers inside were crumbled and ripped on the ends. There were stains of food, blood, and drinks. The outside covers were muddy and crunched like it was soaked in water.

"They really did write into it each time when they finished something huh?" whispering to themself they started turning the page, some had their mother's writing and some their father's. Some only had just sketches of different places on it, before the first page called 'Flying Gold'. It had the most interesting depiction, and there was [Y/N] writing, _'the first place I want to find'_ smiling on the memory they started reading it.

All the writing were their father's, meaning he found that place first. The whole page was like a dairy.

≪ °❈° ≫

_Today was especially hot, not the best time to train in the middle of the summer. Daz and Keith decided to make completion about who will be able to get to ask a girl out from the training corps. Those two always act like forever singles._

**-**

_I saw Lisa with the other girls training their hand to hand combat. Lisa Cord was one of the strongest of them, never failing any of the tasks. I was a bit jealousy since she liked to pick on me for being behind just a little bit. Yesterday we trained in the forest with our vertical manoeuvring gears and she beat me. She slew just a bit much more titans than I did, and Keith even joked with her about it. The Commandant didn't make a difference between us, but I always did. I hated the fact that she was better than me, maybe just a little.  
But today I decided to show her something that even she can't suppress!_

**-**

_I was surprised when she agreed to come with me to the woods that they. I heard Keith saying that she had her eyes on me for a while now. It sounded so stupid honestly. Walking on the narrow path through the woods, which was from the east from our cabin I held her hand. I didn't know she was afraid in the dark, or even just being in the forest. Her [H/C] hair was in a tight bun in the back of her head but a few locks fell into her eyes. Those beautiful dark blue eyes._

_I still remember her words._

_"I hope you are not planning on killing me! Donkey Edwin!" -_ [Y/N] laughed on the nickname, they recalled before they left their mother saying the same. 'You better not let me die, Donkey Edwin!' the memory was so heartwarming, it reflected their love perfectly.- _That nickname sure will hunt me to the day I'll die, I swear. I only got it because I laughed so weird._

**-**

_When we reached a small lake inside the forest she just narrowed her eyebrows. We took like only fifty steps from the training field in the dark, yet it felt more. The trees let a small area open on the sky letting the light of the moon come through. The lake was so calm it was just like a clear mirror. She just wanted to question me when I put my index finger onto my lips to crouch down. Grabbing a rock I threw it through the grass and it felled into the water. Soon thousands of firebugs flew up to the sky trying to find their new place around their home.  
Looking over to Lise she had her mouth open in awe, as she watched the whole scene. Although I only wanted to show off with my secret, my heart skipped a beat and I felt my breath hitched. At that moment, in those dark blue orbs, the hazel lights off the fireflies made it look like the night sky. A starry sky. As she turned to me looking into my [E/C] eyes she smiled. It was sweet it was...it was magical I heard my father's words in my ears._

_**'Find something to live for, a smile, a star, a moment, something that will make you move forward.'** _

**-**

_"Hey, Edwin... I think you are might not be as big of a Donkey as I thought, okay?" she mumbled as we walked back to towards the training field._

_"Oh really? And here I thought Sadies and you were on the same page!" I joked when she hit me on the arm._

_"Edwin [L/N] I'm going to beat you so hard tomorrow on the hand to hand combat, you'll be begging for my forgiveness!" her sharp tone wasn't as threatening as it was before, and I couldn't help just laugh. But our moment was broke when the Commandant stood in front of us. We got a punishment of cleaning the stables for a month, and I wasn't so against it honesty. I think the Flying Gold at the lake, really do some magic, as grandpa told me._

≪ °❈° ≫

Closing the notebook [Y/N] sighed. East from their cabins. And what was even their dad's and mom's cabin back in that time? This isn't enough to start walking around like an idiot, they must find it first somehow, but according to this, not even Sadies know about it right?

Standing up they hid the small notebook under the pillow and changed their clothing. A simple yellowish shirt and dark coloured pants, and some regular footing. Walking out from their cabin they let out a breath. No one will be awake this time, to help them.

"Good morning!" a deep-toned voice greeted them, making them turn to the side.

"Reiner!" they eyes widened in surprised. "You're awake?"

"No, [Y/N] I currently sleepwalking with open eyes and having a delightful conversation with you in my dreams." rolling his hazel eyes he fonded his arms in front of his chest. "And what's your deal? Can't sleep with me in your thoughts?" with a half sided smirk he gave them a wink.

"Oh yeah, you know a big guy with a huge empty head like yours takes a lot of space up in my head. But most of the time it's normal and intelligent thoughts so it's easy to kick you out!" [Y/N] shrugged their shoulders walking down to him. "Uhm, Reiner can I ask something from you? Or more like, ask for a favour if you don't mind." leaning in they lowered their voice.

"I'm not helping you kill Marco." with a joking tone he chuckled.

"Wha- Agh! I don't need help to get rid of Marco for me to get closer to Jean! Idiot!" gently slapping hitting him on the arm Reiner kept chuckling before apologizing. He smiled as [Y/N] faced flushed into a slight shade of pink. "Nevermind, it was stupid to ask you in the first place." letting out a sigh they ran their fingers through the messy [H/L] locks. "Okay, so the thing is there is a place not so far from the training grounds, that I want to see really badly! But I only know that it's East from my parent's old cabins. But I don't know which were it is. And the path is through the forest."

"Well, there are only two forests around the training field. What do want to find exactly?" he asked but [Y/N] shook their head. "If you don't tell me how am I supposed to find it?"

"I want to go there with Jean!" they pouted.

"Then ask for his help!"

"It's supposed to be a surprise! I feel bad for turning him down!" massaging their napes [Y/N] looked at the ground. The slight guilt got the better of them. "Look, it's just a lake! If you find it tell me that's it. I'm guessing it's not the one where we going to train with our VMG, but I don't know where will be! So if you just see one tell me! Please!" they looked into the boy's eyes.

"Fine, fine, but first you still have to come with me there to make sure that is the right place!" from this statement [Y/N] jumped into their arms with a happy smile. They wrapped their arms around Reiner's neck who just turned his head looking away while roses bloomed on his cheeks. He saw Bertholdt looking towards them giving him a thumbs up. The blonde male gave him a hush movement with his hand trying to get rid of the other, who just chuckled on the view. Why was he the one helping [Y/N] to get them and Jean together? It just bothered him.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

In the morning the two did search around the closer areas, but there was nothing, and the day just started. They were now heading into the forest full of with huge trees.

"Okay, today all of you will be training here. There won't be any fake titan to slay! All of you have to make sure to be good with your gears and move comfortable, before using them during a fight! In the other and of the end of the woods I and some supply and in case nursery soldier will be waiting." Sadies stated as he looked around the cadets. "If someone doesn't make it through before dawn we'll be searching for them so make sure you'll stay the place you are!"

"Can we bring others down in case to make them behind?" Nack asked.

"Cadet Tierce would push behind a comrade if it was an actual real-life situation?" Sadies asked with a frightening tone. Nack shook his head. "Then obviously not! And if you were than remember this, sacrifice it the last choice you can make on the battlefield!" Keith yelled. "And now Cadets, go!"

The sizzling sound of the metal wires rand in [Y/N] ears as they shoot to the first tree, with a small amount of gas to jump onto the first branch. Some of their comrades went further or just kept on swinging and jumping in the sky without even stopping.  
Obviously, they kept moving as well not wanting to be left behind. They knew leaving someone behind could lead to bad things if they happen to see someone who needs help. But what happens to those gets left behind and they get into danger? Even if it's not a life-threatening situation falling from this hight can lead to injuries.

"[Y/N]!" hearing a familiar voice they stopped on a slim branch as they turned facing with Jean. "Ah, I'm glad I saw you!"

"Jean, this isn't a moment to chit-chat! Can it wait until we finish?" with their eyes, they looked where could the others be, it must not be that easy to go straightforward right? Moving with their foot [Y/N] slipped almost falling but they felt a hand grabbing onto their arm swinging forward. "Ah... thanks..."

"No problem, next time stop at a tree that can actually hold onto your weight." Jean laughed as he placed his feet onto the wide branch. Pulling up his comrade he looked into the [E/C] orbs. "I really didn't want to make you fall that far back, but I must ask this..." gulping down their nerves he opened his mouth.

"Love birds, if you don't catch up you'll be the last ones!" hearing the deep voice [Y/N] turned to look at the smirking Reiner, he was flying low with his gear. His pace wasn't as fast, he played it smart. That hight was not as dangerous and he used his gas wisely. "Hey [Y/N] if I get there first you'll be the one cleaning my horse's stable too right?"

"What?! Heck no!" they wanted to yell more but the blonde just vanished in the distance. "Just wait up Braun I'll beat you in no time!" looking back into the caramel eyes they gave Jean an apologetic smile. "Sorry Jean, I'll promise we can talk after this!"

**-**

Reiner was focused on getting there quickly, but he wanted to make sure that all of his friends are alright. Soon he heard the sound of the VMG, turning with their head they saw the [H/C] hair flying in the air as they flew at a fast pace. [Y/N] gave a toothy grin to their comrade who just chuckled.

"I should've guessed you won't back out that easily!" he yelled still looking around. Seeing a safe tree to land on, for a moment. When they stopped they gear still gripped into the wood as they stood on the side of it. "Also, sorry but I didn't see anything lake-look like in this forest. Nor when I was on the ground and not even when I jumped around," he spoke up watching them stopping on the other three in front of them.

"Ah, that must mean it's in the other forest... but if we won't train there I have to walk it around... I can't just use the gear at night..." [Y/N] sighed. "Thanks, Braun..."

"Look, I still can help you, I mean if you want to. It's easier to look for it together than alone, in the dark," he spoke and [Y/N] frowned their eyebrows.

"In the dark? Why do you assume I would search for it at night?"

"I know you that much!" Reiner chuckled and making the other fluster in a bit. Looking away they smiled to themself form it. They knew he wasn't that wrong. "Okay, now let's get moving, I'll still have to beat you at this remember?" breaking the moment he continued going forward.

 _He really thinks I would let him!_ they smirked as they started following them. Jumping between the trees slaloming between them from right to left, avoiding hits. Soon both of them caught up to others who were either resting on the ground or on the trees for a moment. [Y/N] smiled and saw Bertholdt looking at Reiner with a questioning look and Braun noticed it he stopped going up to him. The two only talked for seconds and Reiner took a different turn.

"What...?" stopping on a branch [Y/N] watched Reiner going into another direction. What the two of them could talk about? Did Bertholdt know something? If they were about to question them wouldn't it result in an awkward moment? Or was someone in need of help? But in that case, Reiner was on the way to help right? So... this should be alright.

Continuing their training before dawn [Y/N] managed to arrive. Sadies gave them a strict glare but then he turned back to woods waiting for other cadets.

Looking around they saw some people at the nursery tent getting their bruises treated or just having small check-ups. The supply tent had water and some food in case someone needed it. Eren and Armin were sitting on the ground drinking their water. Ymir and Krista were coming out from the other tent, and the blonde small girl had her wrist wrapped in a small bandage. Spotting the freckled male [Y/N] walked up to him.

"Marco!" they smiled at him who just smiled back offering a bowl filled with some kind of soup. "Ah, thanks I was starving! Have you seen Jean?"

"Ah, he bruised his ankle when he landed. He went out of gas in the last minute," he explained as he pointed out the two haired male. Jean with a little help from another cadet walked towards them and sat onto the ground. "How bad is it?" Marco asked as he and [Y/N] watched the other.

"I'll survive, it's not a big deal." Jean smiled before looking into [Y/N] eyes. "I thought you got lost, not gonna lie."

"No, I just made sure I don't get hurt. You know like you!" they giggled sitting next to him. "Want some soup?" offering the small wooden bowl.

"Only if you feed me." with an arrogant smile Jean leaned in. But he only felt the warm soup being spilt onto him. "Ah, c'mon! I was just trying to be romantic." [Y/N] giggled with a shrug and with an apologetic look they gave him a small kiss on the cheek. Marco blushed from the view and turned away like some kid. "I'm still mad."

"Then I'm guessing what you wanted to talk about is not that important." looking away they started to pull out the grass from the ground. In silence, they waited for Jean's reaction who soon just mumbled something and let out a sigh. From the corner of their eyes [Y/N] looked back at him. "So...?"

"[Y/N]! [Y/N] you have to come with me!" Reiner yelled running towards the three. "I think I found what you talked about!" he told as he watched them standing up.

"Really? Are you sure?" they asked putting their hands together.

"I mean for the description you gave me about it, I think. But I'm not sure, I think it's different in daylight so I might be wrong..." he sighed scarping the back of his head. "And sorry but I asked for Bertholdt help, I didn't tell him why but he did agree to help. Actually, it was he who found it."

 _So this is why they had that chat..._ with a quick moment [Y/N] looked back at Jean and then Reiner. Soon a warm smiled curved onto their lips.

"That's great then after we got back to the cabins, you need to show me okay?" they looked into the hazel orbs and Reiner just nodded. Soon they looked towards the other male who looked at them dumbfounded. "Okay, Jean, anything you want to say you can tell me after I made sure about this?" with their head they pointed towards Reiner.

Jean's heart sunk in his chest but with an understanding expression, they nodded. Was he too late? Since when the two got close?

»»————- ♔ ————-««

After getting back to the training grounds no one was truly injured. Only bruises and small scratches. Although Mina and Thomas did get lost and needed some help to get back, but they were fine. 

Changing into some casual clothing [Y/N] went into the mess hall to have some quick food down into their body. The entire time they and Reiner kept and eye contact. Like they were in sync when both of them finished they left the room.

"What the hell is going on with them?" Jean asked while his hands balled into fists. Nails cutting into his palm weakly leaving dents marks. "When did that two got so close? Are they glued together or what?"

"Ah, Jean calm down," Marco spoke up putting down his bowl. "I'm sure they just have things to talk about. Last time when I saw them they had a pretty bad argument! I think they just trying to talk it out. I mean they are comrades after all." the short-haired male smiled at his friend who just huffed. "Jean you never know, maybe when it comes to a time like that you'll be asking Reiner to help with [Y/N]! They more like siblings then partners, also... [Y/N] obviously likes you more!" giving him a couraging pat on the shoulder Marco looked at the door where the other two left.

**-**

[Y/N] looked around before getting the cape onto their head. Following behind Reiner they watched the dark shadows of the woods. Now they understood why their mother had a small fear, it does look different during night hours. Hearing some weird cracks they jumped getting closer to the other in the front.

"What, are you this big of a scaredy-cat?" Reiner joked looking to their side. "Calm down it's close. Or at least I'm hoping."

"Hoping?" with a questioning gaze, they watched the other smiling to themselves. "Reiner it's not funny! I really don't want to get lost in the night! At least not with you!" they whispered keeping up with their steps.

"Oh, yeah I forgot. Sorry, it must be really fun to get lost with someone you like." he chuckled holding onto the oil lamp's handle. "Look, I know you like Jean I get it! Don't act like I don't know it," he said stopping for a moment to look around.

"I don't like Jean." [Y/N] said it while they looked around as well. "That way looks lighter. Let's go there." pointing to the right they started walking now the other male behind them.

"If you don't like him, why are you so stubborn about this anyway?"

"Okay, I'll tell you but you cannot tell it to anyone! Nor can you laugh about it." stopping in their tracks they turned back to face the hazel-eyed male. "My parents had this notebook, which they started writing during their cadet years. I don't know whats were they previously relationship before marrying... but there is this place where my dad took my mother." looking away with a slight embarrassment [Y/N] was happy for the dark night. At least the other can't tell how red their face become. "And that lake is that place where dad fell in love with my mother. And I wanna go there with Jean to see if I actually like him. My dad and his grandfather called it the Flying Gold because of how it looked." looking back into the other they saw him staring surprised. "I know it sounds really stupid, but asking Jean to help would've been so lame!"

"No, no, no! I'm sorry!" Reiner apologized. "It's just caught me off guard! I mean, things could've changed a lot here since your parents were cadets don't you think?" tilting his head he continued his walk. "But on the other hands, it's really cute of you to try to find a place like this." his voice was calm and warm, not like other times. "I hope that that place will be it, now I'm kind of curious how it looks like."

"Mhm..." nodding they walked next to the other. "But don't fall in love with me!" they joked slightly poking them with their elbow on the side. Reiner just rolled his eyes holding back his comment. He can't promise something silly, he liked them but he knew that [Y/N] had a different interest, and also... there were multiple things that were in his way, isn't it?

Stopping he put his arm out to stop [Y/N] to walk more. [E/C] orbs watched the male with a questioning look but when he turned off the light of the lamp they looked where he was looking. The small lake in the middle of the woods, protected by trees. It looked just like a mirror for the sky where the moon could've easily see themself it was human. For the first time in the quiet [Y/N] heard the owls, the smaller birds singing. Small mammals running on the ground under their feet the old leaves crunched.  
As they watched closer there was a stag in the dark with their mate walking towards the lake to drink. Both cadets crouched to the ground watching the scene. But in the next moment, there was a small deer jumping around them and from the small shakes it woke up the fireflies making them fly up to the sky. [Y/N] eyes widened and their lips curved into a smile as they watched it. The view was just as beautiful if not better than it was written in the notebook, Reiner on the other hand felt his heart rate speeding up as they watched the other next to them. The light of the bugs shined back in the [E/C] eyes like stars, and the happy smile they had on their face made him feel warm. They looked beautiful, and he felt his face heating up. When their friend looked at them Reiner turned his head.

"It's beautiful right?" [Y/N] whispered.

"Yeah, you were right... I think Jean will like it too." the boy whispered back and quietly sat onto the ground.

"To be honest, I'm a bit happy you were the one seeing this with me... I think Jean would've been a bit too loud." they chuckled as they sat next to the other. "And also, you were the one who knew about so, you seeing it should be a good reward right?" Reiner nodded in silence when he heard a small puff against his shoulder. Looking down he saw [Y/N] leaning onto his shoulder with their head, the [H/C] locks falling onto his cape. Fingers brushing against each other in the grass. If he stands up he breaks the moment, but if he doesn't he might die from heart-attack.

"Hey, [Y/N]..."

"Hm...?"

"Is there, more places that you have written down in that notebook?" with a faint voice he asked still looking at the lake. "I mean, not like I want to take you there, just... curious!" he quickly added before they think something else.

"Yeah, multiple! And all of them has some interesting name! So I definitely want to see them!" they said leaning toward as they brought their legs up. Hugging their sin and resting their hand on the knee. "I want to see them, so I can see what my parents did, I want to know everything...I want to see the world just as much as anyone else..." they glanced towards the blonde who fixated their glaze onto the ground. "But if you keep being good friends, I think you can come too, I bet it's better two see it together than alone... and also we have to survive first and kill all those monsters."

"[Y/N]." calling their name the hazel-eyed male looked at them. When their eyes met both had this bubbling feeling in their stomach as their chest tightened. "I..." leaning closer, and closer closing the inches he was about to say something but that moment never came. Just slim lips on his.

Closing their eyes they just gave each other a weak kiss -or most likely their lips just brushed against the others- and they stayed there for a few moments. When they parted both of them blinked a few before flushing into a bright shade of red.

"I'm so sorry!" Reiner stood up scaring away the deers. "I really should not have done that!"

"No, no it's my fault! I shouldn't have let you do it!" [Y/N] said standing up as well. Smacking their pants to get rid of the dust of off it. "We should really head back! We get into big trouble if Sadies finds out!" starting to walk the way where they came from [Y/N] felt their blood drumming in their ear. Hands sweating like it was a more than thirty degree on the sun.

_What the hell am I thinking? What idiot lets someone make a move on them? Oh my goodness this is embarrassing!_

"[Y/N] watch out!" hearing their comrades voice they turned when their legs slipped making them fall. Even though the other caught them in time he fell onto them. Letting out a grunt Riener shook his head looking down onto the other. "I'm, so sorry..." standing up they helped the other. "I really,... I mean I... I... so..." trying to find the words he wanted to say something.

"WHO'S THERE?!" the familiar tone of Sadies yelled startled both of them. Both Cadet froze in place when the bald man arrived into their vision. "[L/N] and Braun! What both of you thought?! Get back to your cabins! And I'll have a word with both of you in the morning!" he scolded them.

"YES, SIR!" both answered at once.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Running into their cabin [Y/N] slammed the wooden door waking up the others in their beds.

"What the hell..." Nack growled as he held himself up in the upper bunk with his elbow. "[Y/N]?"

"Mhm..." Mina stroked her eyes. "What happened?" she asked watching the hyperventilating friend who just covered their face going towards their bed. They are so screwed, how they are supposed to explain this to Sadies, and how they are supposed to talk this out with Reiner?!

"I screwed up..." they mumbled.

"What do you mean?" Thomas from the other side looked at them worried. "Did you do something against Sadies words?" when he received a nod all three looked at each other and then back at [Y/N].

"I don't want to get sent back home, oh god! But what if he punishes me to clean the stables! No... that would be the worse! Ah! Me and my stupid ideas!" falling onto the bed their sight into the pillow not talking to the others.

On the meantime in the other cabin, Riener tried to act as calm as possible before going to bed. Turning against towards the wall no matter if he closed his eyes or not, the moment replayed in his head, and he felt really bad about it. But this also made him question multiple things, that he must talk out with [Y/N] tomorrow after they had their scolding from Sadies.


	6. Chapter Four - Candle Festival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a bit cheesy but for the next chapter I'll be really starting the serious stuff! And it might end up being longer as well.

The following days weren't something [Y/N] looked forward. After Sadies scolded both of them they tried the hardest to avoid the male, who kept going after them to talk. There were so many things in both of their heads.

"[Y/N] please just listen to me for a second!" Reiner yelled trying to catch up to them. No matter how he tried the other just walked away and each time most of the eyes were on them questioning the situation. Some believed they had an argument, some believed it was because they got scolded. "[Y/N]!"

"Just leave me alone!" stopping they turned on their heels looking into their eyes. "I don't want to talk this out! It was my stupid idea! So let go of this topic Reiner, will you?!" their tone rose and cheeks burned in the warm colour of red. "You and I have nothing to talk about this! It was stupid! It was wrong of me to ask you a favour knowing full well it might end up in the way it did!"

"What the hell are they talking about?" Eren asked as he watched the scene. In the boy's cabin, they did indeed notice that something was up with Reiner. Also even when he and Jean didn't even talk, those two had some intense spark between them. And not in a good way. "Marco you have any idea?" turning to the freckled male, who just won a round against Armin.

"Ah, not really. Last time [Y/N] and Jean tried to talk but Reiner interrupted them. Since then I didn't saw them trying to talk." he explained and with his dark eyes, he looked towards the two-haired male, who watched the scene with an uneasy expression. "And I think Jean wants to know just as much what happened than anyone else."

"I might know what is going on." speaking from the ground Bertholdt stood up. "Reiner helped [Y/N] find a place that they really wanted to see. And I guess they did but Sadies found them during the night in the forest." everyone looked at the tall male then back at the other two. "So I'm guessing Sadies either found out they are together or I don't know. I know that Reiner was a bit bothered by how [Y/N] and Jean was."

"Of course we were close!" yelling at them Jean looked at Bertholdt angry. "The heck that prick thinks can do?!" Marco run-up to his friend to hold him back going against the other. "Let go of me!"

"Jean, calm down!" Marco yelped.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

The tension was so uncomfortable every time when either Reiner and Jean or Reiner and [Y/N] were in the same place, everyone feared when the non-existing bomb will blow up. They almost finished a year in training and there was still one year back if none of them talks this out with the other things can get really bad.

"The fact that all three of them avoid the other like plague is beyond ridiculous..." Ymir whispered at her table. She was forced to sit with Mina and the Thomas, while Krista sat at Reiner's table trying to talk with the boy. [Y/N] sat at the back with Eren and his friend currently being in the middle of an argument, about their previous hand to hand combat where Eren won.

"Well, [Y/N] isn't really a person of words, when it comes to feelings," Mina spoke looking at her friend. "They are really kind, and cares about others, but I think they have a bit of trouble when it comes to feelings. Just like Mikasa does, or any." she smiled at Ymir who just rolled her eyes.

"Yes that's it!" the hall went quiet as they turned their heads towards Krista who just slammed her hands onto the table. She hissed and when she saw the crowds attention she shook her head. "Sorry, sorry!" sitting back down she continued chatting with the blonde male.

[Y/N] felt so uneasy. Not because she avoided both guys, but because she couldn't decide anything in their head. They were supposed to cool down, think through everything. This was just more than annoying, and it was obvious that everyone got frustrated. Growling to themselves they rested their head on the table. Even the argument with Eren wasn't worth it. Talking weren't supposed to be this hard!  
Soon the bell rang and everyone stood up from their seats walking back to their cabins. Everyone expect [Y/N], they honestly just wanted to vanish. Why did they ask for Reiner's help? Because he is a good friend, but then again, why did they go there with him?! Was it really because he deserved to see it?

"Khm..." coughing into the silence, [Y/N] looked up facing with Sadies. "Is everything alright?" sitting down in front of them he put his hands onto the table. "Look, my scolding was needed and you know it as well."

"No, no Keith it's not that!" [Y/N] sighed. Looking around they made sure no one is around. "Look, Sadies, I know I was supposed to be in my cabin, but I wanted to see the lake where mom and dad fell in love!"

"Yeah, I've guessed that. Lisa never could stop talking about how beautiful it was when Edwin showed it to her." rolling his eyes Sadies sighed.

"So I asked for help, but now I have this weird feeling in me! Like now anytime when I am with them it's just... so weird! And, and now I just can't talk with them." they felt like some weird kid who tries to keep a secret but feels bad about it. How were they supposed to fix something that cannot be talked about?

"[Y/N] you might not be my blood, but please. DID I RASE YOU TO BE THIS SHAMEFUL?! Damn it child!" slamming onto the table Keith made the teen jump. "Khm, excuse me. Look, I don't think tomorrow should be a day like that you worry about."

"Why what kind of training will that be?" [Y/N] asked narrowing their eyebrows. Sadies had a warm smile in his face before pulling out a small box from their coat's pocket. "What is that?"

"Your birthday present," he answered.

With widened eyes [Y/N] opened the box and there was a hand knife in it. It had leather covering at the handle, the blade was slightly twisted upwards but indeed sharp. Also into the metal was carved [L/N]. Looking up into the old man's dark-hazel orbs they looked back at the blade.

"It was your father's blade. He made it himself during his training days. During one of our missions, he lent it to me, but in the end, I never had a chance to give it back to him. So I kept it and made sure it just as new as it was the first time." he stood walking to them and placing their hands onto their shoulder. "Happy Birthday [Y/N] your just as old as Lisa was when she finished her training years. Although you have a year left, since you are not the top one in the class." he chuckled.

"Funny, very funny dad." rolling their [E/C] eyes their hide the knife into their boot.

"Dad?!" looking towards the door [Y/N] and Sadies spotted Armin standing there frozen.

**-**

Although he didn't make a fuss about since their commandant was there the next day during their school time Armin sat next to [Y/N]. He had multiple questions. Seeing the small male in the corner of their eyes they gulped, if thinking that kissing one of their comrades isn't bad enough, now somebody found out that they related to Keith.

"So, [Y/N]." Armin didn't look at them but still spoke towards them. "Would you like to explain something? Or more things?"

"I don't know what do you mean Armin." they ignored it like nothing happened, writing into their notebook. "Sadies just knows my family."

"That's why you referred to him as a father? Well, in that case, it explains why was so easy for you to stay here so long." was he now making a big fuss? That is ridiculous, they were just as much at risk of being sent home like Armin or anyone else if they fail.

"Look..." turning to him [Y/N] started to whisper. "He adopted me years ago! And before he knew me I was going to be a cadet!" they said and looked around with their eyes. "And between Braun and I happened a small misunderstanding! And Jean happened to be the cause of it." it was half-lie but better than the full truth. "So if you would be so kind and-"

"But if you and Sadies have a connection that means you kind of know him don't you?" he interrupted.

"Yes, yes I do. So what? You cannot tell it to anyone!" they hissed at the blue-eyed male who was now biting his lips nervously. This already meant something bad.

"Well..." he looked towards Eren and Mikasa who was now looking at them.

"You told them?!" [Y/N] squeaked getting all the attention in the room. "I'm sorry, sorry!" looking back at the blonde they huffed. "What do you guys want?"

"Talk with Sadies so we can go out to the near village!" Armin smiled like it was a simple task to do. "I mean it would be better if it could be a day off for everyone! Krista and Ymir want to go to the neared flower field which happens to be next to the village! Marco and Jean want to try out the food there with Sasha and Connie. I, Eren and Mikasa want to look around in the bookstore that is there along the line with Mina." he started saying. "Oh and we thought about getting Annie out of her comfort zone!"

"Jeez, oh my god. Okay fine I'll talk to him. But I won't promise a thing!" they sighed looking back onto their notes. Great, this what they wanted to avoid being used because of their connections. 

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Mom! Mom!" the small [Y/N] ran into the kitchen with the paper in their hand. "Look there will be a festival in the near village! Can we go?!" with shining eyes, they looked up at the woman._

_"Hm? Oh, the Candle festival?" they crouched down getting the paper. "Ah but sweetie we can't go, it's three days of travel and Mommy and Daddy will soon leave. We don't have six extra days!" she patted her kid's head. "But next year will go okay?"_

_"Okay, but Mom what is the Candle Festival?"_

_"Well, people light Candles in the name of the King to remember their soldiers. First, it was something sad, and just the families who lost their loved ones did it." picking up small [Y/N] she explained. "But then they announced it should be a happy thing because they gave their heart and soul for others. So now someplace light candles all around the towns and village as a memory, but some like this one." looking at the paper. "They have music as well and veteran soldiers gather around as well telling their stories and cadets usually sneak out to have some fun."_

_"Like your mother and I did." stepping into the room the man spun his wife smiling. "Obviously it was the best thing I could remember off!" as the small kid got put down onto the floor they watched their parents dancing as the father hummed a melody. "Just like in out cadet years! That was so funny, I still remember when Sadies drunk so much he fell into the fountain!" the man laughed._

_"And everyone learned that Donkey Edwin is a pretty good dancer!" the woman with [H/C] locks chuckled looking at her husband with love-filled eyes._

_"And you married this man!"_

_"Oh, indeed I did!" she giggled giving a kiss on the man's lips._

≪ °❈° ≫

"You want me to let go the cadets go to the nearest village?" Sadies looked up from his paper works. "No! Training first everything fun after!" he said continuing his work.

"But I know that you sneaked as well!" [Y/N] leaned it. "Please Sadies!"

"When I did it, it was on your father's behalf!" he defended himself. "I did not want to sneak out for some stupid village to have some fun! Do I look like someone who has fun during their cadet years?!"

"Well, if you say it like that. No, you don't seem fun at all!"

"[Y/N]!"

"You said it not me!" putting their hands up in surrender they stepped back. "Sorry, it was just an idea." with a sad expression they left the place.

On the training field, Armin waited for them excited with the others but when they saw the expression of [Y/N] they sighed. So not even someone close to Sadies can change his mind.

"Sorry, guys I-" they couldn't even finish because soon the door behind them flung open again.

"Okay, I let you..." when Sadies saw all the cadets his eyes widened then trailing back at [Y/N] again. "Agh, fine! All of you can go! But in exchange tomorrow everyone has twice as much training! After lunch, you can leave and be back an hour after dark!" he said and watched all of the trainees cheer from happiness. He shook his head with a smile before walking back to his office.

**-**

The lunch just flew away and everyone was getting ready in their cabins. Most of the girls choose some long skirt and short or long-sleeved short if not a full dress. The boys had simple stuff. Those who were ready went forward to get ready with the horses. [Y/N] on the other hand struggled what to put on.

"[Y/N] hurry up! Everyone is almost ready!" Mina opened the door seeing their friend struggling. "Ah, just wore something you feel good in! It's nothing big!" she said walking closer. "Here I help you! I know your [H/L] hair isn't suited for stuff like this but let me help you with it! And..."

"But... I... how to say... Mina, I'm kind of nervous. Today was supposed to be different." they said sitting down onto their bed.

"Why? Because we were about to train something you like? Think about that tomorrow we do twice as much work." Carolina patted their shoulder. "Nack and Thomas waiting for us with the horses. Just grab something and I do your hair okay? It will be like some kind of friendship bonding!"

"No... I..." looking into the dark brown eyes they sighed. Quickly choosing dark coloured pants and a yellow-white long sleeve with leather on it. "Here... do what you want." sitting on the ground they let Mina do what they wanted. In the silence was only heard the girls small humming. "Mina, actually today is my birthday." they hardly said it out loud. "So I was kind of looking forward to doing what I wanted. I thought about going out alone to see this festival that is on the same day," they said.

"Ah! The Candle Festival?" she leaned in asking and [Y/N] just nodded. "I think you should ask Reiner to go with you there!"

"What?!"

"I mean Nack and I had a bet about who you end up with! I'm really rooting for Reiner while he says Jean will be the one," she said and as soon as she finished she helped up [Y/N]. "Woah, you look really pretty!" the compliment made them blush. "Okay, okay no time for this, let's go!" grabbing their wrists Mina pulled them out. Nack growled when they finally showed up while Thomas just gave them a smile. "Okay, we are ready!" Mina yelled running towards the boys.

Getting onto their horse Nack went after the others, behind him Mina and next to her Thomas talking to each other. Getting onto the horse's back [Y/N] watched their friends having a great time. If they thought about it this day can't be that bad and in the end, they might talk it out with Reiner, to be good friends again. With a slow pace, they started to get back to the others too.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Arriving at the village the cadets went to many different directions. Mostly where Armin said they wanted to go. Ymir and Kriste were on the flower field with some others, while Marco and Jean were sitting outside of a restaurant talking and eating with Connie and Sasha. Mina and Nack walked into a bookstore, while Thomas just made sure that their horses don't go anywhere.

"What, you have to be the guard?" with a chuckle [Y/N] got off the horse patting them on the neck. "If you want to look around feel free, I stay here." they gave a couraging smile to their friend.

"But, Mina said..." he looked worriedly into the [E/C] eyes.

"Thomas, this day is the same as the other ones. It won't hurt me." they smiled giving the male one last look. Soon he sighed in defeat and left his friend alone with the horses.

[Y/N] just examined the buildings, and how much fun everyone had. The sun was still high, and everyone was decorating around the area. There was a place where musician packing their stuff, women were walking around putting flowers into pots, or onto the fountain's water. Children ran around playing with dogs or just hissing away cats from the food. It reminded them when they were back in the orphanage.  
Some old lady put candles around the windows and onto the ridge of the grey fountain that had named carved into each rock. It looked so peaceful and calm. Like titans didn't even exist in their mind, they had nothing to fear.

"Don't you want to walk around?" a husky male voice spoke from behind. "You can leave the horses on the field, they sure have their own fun as well."

"No thank you, I'm fine." without looking back they answered to the stranger. "I just wish to be night soon."

"Why?" the male asked walking closer. "Is something special going to happen as soon as it gets dark?" he asked leaning closer to their ear. [Y/N] started to have the urge to punch the random guy, who just felt comfortable being this close to someone they don't know. But they held back, causing trouble wouldn't be good.

"Yes, because they light the candles! You know, the Candle Festival, when they remember the dead soldiers who gave their lives and souls to the people and to their homeland," they explained holding onto tight to the bridle. "And also, I wanted to see it since I'm a kid because it happened to be on my birthday."

"Wait... Today is your birthday [Y/N]?" the guy asked making the other turn on their heels.

"Reiner!" they squeaked. "What are you doing here?!" the horses started to feel frustrated from the sudden mood change but calmed down as [Y/N] patted them. "Sorry, ah let's go onto the field with them..." they spoke on the low voice as they started to walk.

During that small walk, they talked nothing towards. Even though [Y/N] wanted to apologize and talks things out, the blonde male on the other hand had different ideas. The silence however got broken by Krista after they let go of the animals.

"[Y/N], Reiner! I'm so glad you two are together! At least I do not have to search for you guys!" holding up some flower crown made out from Lilium she put it onto [Y/N]'s head. "Ah, just as I thought it looks so beautiful on you! Right, Reiner?" with her ocean blue eyes she looked onto the male who just nodded in silent and quickly looked away. "Hm, don't guys going to look around? Ymir and I will be here for a few hours, I told her I want to see the sun going down and then head back to the village! They say in full darkness the Candle Festival is like stars on the ground." she said and [Y/N] looked at them with a questioning eye.

"You were here before?" they asked.

"Yeah, but when I was small, so I don't remember much. But I remember how good was the music, so I wanted to make sure I can dance with Ymir. You know, because of that tale." she said spinning in her place, her white skirt blooming like a flower. "And I want it to be true."

"What tale?" crossing their arms in front of their chest [Y/N] now got curious about Krista's words. "Can you tell me?" even though they didn't want to, they sounded way more existed it felt like their mother was telling a story.

"Okay, so the last music is always a slow dance, that is all the couples do, around the fountain. Mostly it was always cadets who wanted to make sure they love will last forever." she started while holding her hands into the empty air like there was her partner. "Going around the fountain, in the night, having the lighted candles show their way. It just so romantic, and if you were able to make one candle go out with your dance than that meant your love lasts forever!" she said looking toward Ymir who was sitting on the ground picking the grass and smiling at the sky. [Y/N] thought it was childish yet they wished to do it, even though love was something small despite their dream. "Okay, I think I must go now, don't forget to have fun guys!" she smiled leaving the two alone once again.

"So... want to look around in the village?" Reiner asked and [Y/N] just nodded still being under the spell of the small tale. Sure it's not true but it sounds so beautiful, and it made them think about their parents.

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Dad, what is that?" pointing onto the instrument [Y/N] sat onto the bad next to their father._

_"This? It's a violin, I learned to play on it from my grandfather," he said still fixing some strings on it. "I used to play on it a lot as a kid, but when I became a cadet I stopped. I just found it recently."_

_"And why do you want to play on it?" they asked examining the instrument. They have seen it before, on the street, there is a group of old men who play on this and one drums on a wooden bucket with their hands filling the streets with music. When that happens everyone seems so much happier._

_"Because I want to surprise Mommy... so let's try it." letting out a sigh he slowly started to play on it. The sound of the instrument was calm and melancholic yet, as it picked up the tempo it had a different feeling to it. [Y/N] couldn't explain they just wanted to, run with the music while their chest felt heavy. It reminded them of the stories of the old veterans in the centre of the city, it had the energy of war, and the soul to it as well. As they closed their eyes [Y/N] swore for their life they could see it. Horse hooves against the ground as they go against the monster, thousands of soldiers screaming as they face the biggest enemy of the humans. It felt real... so real..._

**-**

_But at the end of the day, their dad didn't play on it, he broke the violent with his knee. Darkening vision on it like it was made by the devil. He remembered something that angered him, making him frustrated and for the first time... When he looked his beloved child he only felt disgusted and walked away from home. Did [Y/N] do something? Was it something they have done? But what?_

**-** _  
_

_"Is dad mad at me?" they asked at the dinner table. That day their father didn't come home. Lisa looked at her child with a loving smile._

_"No honey, dad just had a bad memory. This happens to the best of us..." she whispered. Touchen her child's cheek she watched [Y/N] cuddling into her palm. "Daddy loves you more than anything, but he has hard times too. So please understand it... okay?" the kid nodded and continued on eating the food._

≪ °❈° ≫ _  
_

Walking around the village felt like it was just like being home. Although the day quickly past and soon it started to get dark. [Y/N] forgot that their only company was the blonde-haired, honey-hazel eyed male. Looking up at them they watched his warm smile as he talked to an old lady with her son in the arms. The boy was more than mesmerized by the male's muscles. He chuckled and when the woman walked off they looked onto their comrade.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Ah, uh... yeah! I'm sorry..." shaking their head [Y/N] looked away watching the village people lighting the candles. "I just thought, that you... looked, good with that kid." giving a sheepish smile they looked back at the male.

"Ah, thanks... uhm look [Y/N] I wanted to talk with you about what happened. In the... forest." he started. The other felt their body tightening from the memory. "I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done it, while being fully aware that you... like...Jean." he finished scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"Well, I actually didn't mind it that much." from the corner of their eyes [Y/N] waited for Reiner's reaction. "Because... I do like you too, not just Jean..."

"Yeah, but I know you like Jean that way, I mean you guys head that spark since day one," he said as he started to walk towards back to the centre. "C'mon we will be late, and I know you want to see it!" he smiled giving a hand to them.

Taking Reiner's hand [Y/N] fondled their fingers together giving him a small squeeze. Looking into the hazel orbs they nodded for his previous statement.

**-**

At the centre, the dark night sky didn't show any star as the village's light surprised it. All of the training field 104th cadet corps cadets were looking around in awe. Ymir and Krista were dancing, with the villagers. Mikasa nervously held onto her scarf while side-eyeing Eren who was just amazed. Connie and Sasha just continued eating but still looking the others.  
[Y/N] noticed Mina and Thomas dancing on the side next to them Franz and Hanna. They couldn't help but smile on the view squeezing the hand they held onto.

"Do you want to dance?" Reiner asked making sure he finds Jean with his eyes before their friend could answer. But even if they did found their attention quickly went back to the one standing next to them. The [E/C] eyes with the long lashes looked up at them. "What?"

"Would, you really dance with me? I never even danced before." they chuckled. "And I bet you would be bad too!" they smiled on the thought but soon they felt a hand on their waist. "Wha- Reiner what are you doing?!" they asked looking at the man towering over them.

"Dancing with you for the next song! You know, just showing you how good I am." he joked.

Getting into the same position as Ymir and Krista stood [Y/N] looked down onto their feet. They were so sure they would step onto them if it's a piece of slow music. But the luck sided with them. Soon a younger male around the same age as them started playing on the violin at a fast pace, a guy who drummed on the two wooden bucked helped him out giving him rhythm. A lady with her tambourine spun around while dancing with the violinist. They were dancing during playing on their instruments?!  
Then another young male started to play on their flute and just more violin joined. Before even blinking they felt as their body get pulled into the dance. Looking back up worriedly they watched the taller, wide-shouldered guy helping them.

"Just trust, me and enjoy, okay? It will be over before you notice," he said and [Y/N] hesitantly but nodded. Letting the other controlling them.

The hazel and [E/C] orbs melted together as they got hypnotised by the others. Their heart fluttering onto the rhythm of the melody, and their blood drummed in their ears on the tempo that the others started to clap.  
Marco smiled widely on the view as he watched [Y/N] getting spun around and smiling at Reiner from joy. He watched how perfectly good they moved together and he couldn't help just to clap on the music. They almost looked like flying as they leapt on the music going around the fountain with the others. But he quickly went quiet when he heard Jean's jealous toned growl...

Bertholdt smiled watching his friend, and he felt a slight squeeze on his wrist. Looking to the side he noticed Annie hitting her leg onto the same rhythm as well.

"Do, you want to dance?" he asked with a blush on his cheek. The blonde girl looked up onto him with a nod. Fondling their hands together they joined as well and soon most of them found a partner to dance with until the song ended.

As the music started to stop Reiner spun the [Y/N] out who let go of his hand and ended up going against Jean's chest. They were so focused on the dance that they were still smiling, and couldn't even bother by the other male's look.

"Oh, Jean! I'm sorry!" they smiled giving them a small wave just to get back to their dance partner. "This was so fun!" [Y/N] yelled jumping into Reiner's arm who caught them. Spinning them around with a toothy grin. "Let's do it again!" looking into the hazel-gold orbs they put their forehead against the others smiling happily.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

The sun started to rise when the cadets decided to go back to the training camp. Some slept on other's back while they went back on the horse. Some were sleeping on their horse which was lead by someone else. Others just rather walked than risking to fall asleep.

[Y/N] actually felt more energized than before. They were deep in conversation with the blonde who started to get tired. But he was happy.

At the stables, every just left their horses there and tried to get back onto their cabin fast just for a few minutes of sleep. The last ones were them and the blonde male who started to walk back.

"Thanks again, for being so dorky." [Y/N] said looking up at them. "I don't know what would have happened if you don't do it."

"You don't end up dancing," he said pulling them closer with putting his arm around their neck playfully. Leaning into closely they looked into their eyes. "[Y/N] I wanted to say this before..."

"Yes?" patiently waiting they stopped in their tracks.

"I...." he felt his mouth going dry from the words.

"Yes? Reiner, we have a few minutes before Sadies-" the words were stopped by the wooden doors large sound hitting against the wall.

"RISE AND SHINE MAGGOTS! GET READY FOR YOUR WORST TRAINING OF ALL!" Keith Commandant rang through the whole training corp. Looking around he quickly spotted the two of them. "Braun! [L/N]! Just in time!" he smiled like he will be having the most fun. "Start the day by waking up your comrades and fifty laps around the camp!"

"Yes, Sir!" they smiled taking him off guard and ran towards the cabins. Before parting their ways [Y/N] stopped. "Reiner!"

"Hm?" he looked at them.

"I like you!" they yelled like it was casual information and went off into their cabin waking up the others. Leaving the blonde there smiling to themselves before he went off finishing his first task of the day as well.


	7. Chapter Five - Being the weak one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's a short one, I promise I try better next time but I got into some writing difficulties...

A year had passed, then another, now they were standing on the field like on their first day. [Y/N] looked around with their eyes spotting out the blonde male. Giving them a glance with a joyful smile they faced back onto the Commandant. Finally when they finish as the 104th Corps cadets, becoming official scouts to fight for humanity, although only ten of them will have the golden spoon allowing them so choose where do they want to go.

"The one who hears their name step onto the front!" Sadie's strict toned was the same as ever, and his bald head just shined on the sun. "Mikasa Ackerman! On top of the class. Reiner Braun! Bertholdt Hoover! Annie Leonhart!" each cadet stepped forward with a salute. "Fifth, Eren Jeager! Sixth Jean Kirschtein, Connie Springer, Sasha Braus!" the last three stepped forward and the air started to tense up. People had clear ideas who could be the top ten people who will have one life opportunity to joining the military corps, yet... Everyone felt that they stepped onto sharp rocks that were put into their boots. "Ninth, Marco Bodt!" with a slight sigh the male stepped forward. Now the dark hazel orbs we're looking through the remaining of the cadets.

 _C'mon Sadies just say, Thomas or Mina!_ [Y/N] thought as they saw the pair of eyes glancing through them multiple times. They didn't know if the man had actually any trouble to choose the cadets or he was just playing on the nerves.

"Tenth and last [Y/N] [L/N]!" they felt their heart dropped and they let out a breath that they didn't know they held in. Stepping forward they gave a salute. From the corner of their eyes, they watched the tensed and expressionless faces of their comrades. "The ten of you can live, with the opportunity to join the Military Corps! And now dismissed!"

"Yes sir!" in unison everyone yelled before easing up. Some people let out a sigh some sat onto the ground. No one cared how hard trained they were. Those lucky people who stayed still feared their Commandant.

**-**   
  


The last night on the training grounds and everyone was eating and cheering with the other while talking through their plans. Connie and Sasha head a match for the ribs and meat that who will eat it. Mikasa mostly stayed by Eren's side.

"You really not gonna put down that book Mina?" Thomas asked as he watched the girl still reading. "I mean we done you don't have to study that anymore!" putting his hands up with a little shake he tried to get her attention but she was way more focused. "Is it because you didn't get into the top ten or what?"

"Let it slide dude, she is just obsessed with studying. Her loss." rolling his dark orbs Nack looked at [Y/N] who was just calmly eating. "And what's up with you?"

"Hm?"

"I mean you got into the Top Ten students, what a surprise." with a slightly sarcastic tone he gulped a good from his drink. "I bet you and your boyfriend gonna go to the military police now." drinking again from the wooden cup he nodded towards the tall blonde with his head. Following it [Y/N] turned and then they just went back to eating. "What? Aren't you guys like, love birds and stuff? Like Franz and Hanna?"

"I did tell him I like him, but love and like is WAY different, and also." pointing with their spoon onto their friend. "I do not care about which place I am! I am going to the Survey Corps! I'm not a pussy cat like horse-face or freckles! But if you think I'll change my mind, wait to our first day as cadets at the wall! I'm going to show you!"

"You wanna wrestle it out again?" raising one of his eyebrows he placed the empty cup onto the table. "Sorry but I don't punch special needed kids." he bit back with the sour comment making [Y/N] stand up.

"Oh, are you going at it again? Wanna fight me playboy or you just up pipsqueak?" holding themselves they leaned in eye to eye one another. The air tensed almost sparkling.

"Guys, guys! It's not worth it." Thomas tried to calm them down but soon both were just going outside. "MINA!" with a high pitched worried tone he looked onto the girl who was just calmly reading. Slightly smacking the wooden door she jumped looking at him.

"Hm? Wha-? Where did Nack and [Y/N] go?" she turned her head searching for her friends only to be rewarded with a sigh. Great, the one person who could've to stop them isn't even there with them in the head!

Walking out [Y/N] turned on their heels facing with their friend. Both parties knew it's nothing serious but there were times when Nack's stupidity went way more further than it should've head. The male threw his longsleeved shirt onto the ground, standing into the fighting position that they used during the hand to hand combat training. Tucking up their own sleeves [Y/N] cracked their knuckles making them pop. With a knowing smirk, they put their hand out curling their fingers invitingly. But even though before I fight could've started large hands wrapped around their waist picking them up. Looking around with their [E/C] orbs they noticed the tall wide-shouldered blonde putting them onto his shoulder.

"What?! Reiner Braun! Put me down!" hitting the males back they tried to break free. "Did you hear me? Put me down! It's humiliating!" growling they hit onto the males head who just ignored.

"Sorry Nack, [Y/N] can be childish. Nowadays they were really stressed about this whole top student thing. So it comes out like this." sighing on his deep voice he looks at the black-haired male who just starts to laugh. 

"REINER I'M SO GONNA KICK YOUR ASS WHEN YOU PUT ME DOWN ONCE!" kicking, hitting like a feral child, but no matter what the male acted like they don't even exist. And in the end, they got tied up next to Sasha who still had her mouth stuffed with the cloth in case of biting.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

How? How this all of this happened?! They were just having fun hours and minutes ago...

"Mina?" with a small limp [Y/N] leaned against the wall walking. Their arm in pain, blood running down on their shoulder staining their clothes. The sight was all blurry, the gas has run out and the only thing that kept their head at reality was the pain. "Thomas?!" with yelled they looked towards the sky hoping to see someone. "Nack? You narcissist now should be the time when you show and tell me that 'So I have to save a top cadet?' you know!" with a desperate tone they tried to inmate the male's voice but in the end, they just fell onto the ground. Looking onto the tiles and the road it was coloured deep red. Blood splattered on the ground, stains on the walls. there were houses torn in half, missing roofs. Some hands in the dark alley without their bodies. It was over? This is how far they could've come? Warm salty tears started to flow down on their cheeks melting together with the wound on their skin only leaving the pain behind. "Somebody! Anyone!" yelling they tried to yell once again.

Screams were filling their ears, the screams of innocent people, screams of their comrades, kids, elders, soldiers... if... if that wouldn't happen, if [Y/N] don't fail they might have been a bigger help but this. This was nothing just deadweight.

"Hey! Somebody down there is alive!" a faint yelling filled the person's brain as the [H/C] locks fell onto their face. "Is it... [Y/N]? [Y/N]!" the yelling got stronger and stronger. As they felt being lifted up they slowly tried to open up their eyes. From under the muddy blood-covered lashes, their ambers stared into scared caramel-hazed ones.

"Jean..." slightly whispering they held onto the male with one arm while slowly breathing.

"Oh no, do not dare to pass out on me! You hear me?!" trying to hold them he looked around for a safe area. "Okay, here's the plan... [Y/N]? [Y/N]!" when they finally got a response -which was a barely understanding faint grunt- Jean used hid gear jumping onto a tall roof. "Okay, I'm going to treat your wounds! Tell me what the hell happened! And do not shut up! Do you hear me? If you just for a minute stop speaking I'm going to punch you to death!" from the comment [Y/N] chuckled as they let go of the boy's sleeve laying onto the roof.

"Well... we...were...at..."

"No, no! Normally talk to me!" he commanded while taking off his jacket. Getting his spare belt he tightly put it onto [Y/N] arms hoping it will stop the bleeding. "You were with Eren's group! Where are they?! And why are you alone?!"

"I..."

≪ °❈° ≫

_"I heard that the Recon Corps arrived back!" Mina squealed while they walked on the streets. After yesterday they were going onto their places to get ready for their actual duties. "I heard that Commander Erwin's group is the strongest they have Captain Levi there as were."_

_"Oh no, there she goes again." Nack sighed as Mina started to speak about the captain. "[Y/N] don't you want to shut her up?"_

_"No thanks, it's Thomas's turn this time!" looking at the blonde both comrades watched the boy getting red like pepper and just scratching his nape. "I guess we are going to listen to Mina and her fangirling information about Captain Levi."_

_"Oh no..." Nack sighed giving himself a facepalm. With a death glare at his friend, he growled before going against [Y/N]'s back. "What the?! Don't stop you, idiot, when we are-" he wanted to continue before he saw the crowd that was standing on each side of the street as the Recon Corps arrived. With emotionless expressions they were sitting on their horses going calmly yet there was a slightly gloomy feeling but still made the people cheerful. Trost was a district filled with people who looked positively forward to the future even though they knew the dangers that could kill them any moment on the other side. "Big deal..." shrugging his shoulders Nack crossed his arms in front of his chest while Mina jumped onto Thomas is back to have a better view._

_"Mina! Stop! It's embarrassing we are not kids anymore!" Thomes whisper yelled at her, but it didn't help._

_"Look! I see Eren and Mikasa there! There is Franz, Hanna, and Armin too! They are arguing?" frowning her brows she leaned closer to get a better view making the male underneath her lean forward and soon all four of them fall pushing [Y/N] onto the streets._

_The horse with a high pitched neighing as they jumped and stepped back. The other three just slowly fall back acting like they had nothing to do with the other on the ground. The Commander got down from his stallion to help them out but [Y/N] just jumped up as nothing happened. Said their apologies and left, yet those icy blue eyes that examined them made them feel uneasy to the bottom of their core._

**-**

_Going onto the wall they started to help to clean the cannons. They were polishing the whole body when they heard the familiar voice of their comrade. Eren, again he was always so loud._

_"Huh?! You enlisted in the Recon Corps?!" stopping in their movements he looked at the shave headed male who was crouching on the ground doing his work. "But you said you wanted to go the Military Police!"_

_"I know, I know..." finishing his work he let out a sigh. "But your speech yesterday made a lot of us hyped up..." mumbling to himself he looked at the boy who was just still questioningly gazed at him._

_"I think he said that your lecture yesterday was pretty powerful yesterday!" [Y/N] chuckled fixing some adjustment on the canon after cleaning. "And to be honest, I think a lot of idiots just now sees why is it good to do that than just sitting inside the walls. You know like Horse-face wants to." shrugging their shoulders they looked at the dark-haired boy._

_"[Y/N]..." looking around he saw everyone smiling and nodding in agreement. "Guys...it's"_

_"Hey, hey guys! Look what I got!" looking around Sasha came closer showing them her new catch from the kitchen. A freshly steamed piece of meat. "After work let's cut it up and eat it with bread!" roses bloom on her cheeks as the saliva slowly rolled down in the corner of her mouth. The steam slowly danced in the hair as the light cold breeze touched it._

_"Tell me it's not from the officer's morning..." Thomas spoke up, but even before finishing the question the girl just nodded._

_"ARE YOU CRAZY?! We can't do that!" walking up to her [Y/N] snatched it away while looking into the girl's eyes. But soon their nostrils were filled the delicious aroma of the food. Gulping down their nerves they looked back at the girl and then around. "Grrr... I have the first slice!" they stated then gave it back to Sasha. Soon the others asked for their parts as well before the juicy piece of meat got hidden in one of the boxes._

_Idiots, they were all idiots, and this thought never even changed in a little bit in the [H/C] person's mind only they have added that no matter what they will be their friends and love them. From a family onto the ground and then slowly back up standing with their new family. Comrades and Siblings just as Sadies always told them._

≪ °❈° ≫

"Good, good. You are doing great, we are almost there!" getting brought back to reality by Jean's weirdly toned voice the [E/C] orbs looked around. Titans running around eating people or just gathering around places. "Good, we made it..." making them sit down next to chimney the two hair coloured male let out a sigh. From the corner of his eye, he spotted out Armin who was still holding onto Connie like he was in shock. "Hey, Armin! What happened to your guy's group? I found [Y/N] alone blood-covered! Where is that shitty Jeager I have a few words!"

From the name, both parties froze. Armin mumbled his friend name while [Y/n] saw the memories flashing back onto them. Screams, anger, sadness... and the feeling of being weak... yes because they were weak they couldn't save anyone.

≪ °❈° ≫

_Just when they had such a great time at the top of the wall a flash of huge lightning appeared and behind Eren, there was the colossal titan. Of course, they heard the stories yet they were the first letting out a scream. As the hot stream came from the monster every fell back but [Y/N] acted on an impulse standing on their ground their gear shot into the stone. The boiling water slightly burned their body and in the next minute, Eren was yelling. Ordering the others to attack it._

_Attack... this? This monster? Even if they try they cannot kill it, it's huge and it's body even more hot than a normal titan's body temperature!_

_As they watched their comrade attack just in a blink it disappeared, but they saw something. Something flashing on the side, and the sizzling sound was way too familiar. Was that, no it must be a VMG meaning... it...was a human?  
As everyone wanted to jump down getting onto the rooftops of the houses [Y/N] turned to decide to follow the sound. Everyone yelled after them but it was no use their curiousness and stubbornness got the better of them once again._

_Although they tried to keep up using a big amount of gas, the sound has disappeared and there were only screams. Screams of innocent people, the crying agony of families and soldier who desperately feared the situation. But who were they kidding? They feared it just as much!_

_"[Y/N]!" turning on their heels they saw Eren and the group. "The heck you were thinking?!" feeling the grab on their jacket's collar both of them were eye to eye. "It's no time to run away! What kind of coward are you!?"_

_"I'm not a coward Jeager! Cut your bullshit out!" pushing away the other the was about to fight when Thomas stepped between them._

_"There is no time for this! We have people to save!" he scolded them and then looked at Eren waiting for orders. The boy scuffed as they looked at the [H/C] comrade then stood onto the side of the rooftop._

_"If we are successful here, before even joining the Survey Corps, we'll definitely rise quickly through the ranks!" with a couraging smile he looked around the others as they rose their blade onto the air._

_Why, why did they had to have that fight? Why were these the last words they remembered from that arrogant hero wanna be?! Why?_

**-**

_It was so clear, they were just gliding through the sky with the VMG when an abnormal jumped smashing its head against a church tower. Looking towards them and just eating Thomas. He had a desperate look on his while his eye was filled with fear, and in the next moment, an ear echoing crunch like they only step onto some branches or just a tree fell out the ground, breaking the whole trunk._

_In the next minute everyone else acted on impulse, Nack got smashed against the wall, Eren's leg got bitten off. That's when Armin moved but even he was shaking, yet... Why was [Y/N] the only one who couldn't move? Who froze at the second when they saw their friend's eyes... why weren't they saving him, others, anyone... why... why, why why why?!  
As one of the monsters looked toward them with it's forced smile face and huge eyes, a twisted nose and abnormal-looking body. The only thing they did, to grab the small knife that they got from Sadies almost two years ago and stabbed it onto their leg. They hands were still shaking but the pain was enough to make [Y/N] move, and like a weak coward they tried to escape. Jumping onto the ground they ran, trying to make sure to have enough gas in case. Going between alleys with heavy breaths focusing nowhere only just forward._

_Going into someone they heard some mumbles before looking up onto the tall figure._

_"Bertholdt?" they asked but in the next minute everything went black and they only woke up with a huge pain and bleeding head a twisted arm and hurt leg. And there was blood everywhere..._

≪ °❈° ≫

Feeling hands on their shoulders they looked up seeing the worried Marco and Jean in front of them. Soon huge crocodile tears streamed down on their cheeks as they grabbed onto their friend. They wanted to scream but there was no voice, nothing... only a silent voice as they lips parted away in a painful 'scream of agony' the cry of hatred towards the monsters that were killing people at this moment as well and for towards themselves for being a coward a weakling.

"It's okay..." with a warm smile Marco hugged them letting [Y/N] cry onto their shoulder. Gently caressing their backs. "It's not your fault, none of it..." as the male whispered calmly to them they only shook their head. "No, [Y/n] it's not your fault! Being weak is okay, after all, we are just humans..." for a few minutes there were only silent sobs and then nothing. "[Y/N]?"

"I'm sorry..." they whispered as they let go of the other. "I didn't even do the bare minimum. I wasn't able, I didn't even try to save them... I just... ran away." they spoke softly almost being heard in the noise but Marco clearly heard it. "I was supposed to fight for them, fight with them... but when I saw it... I saw Thomas getting eaten... I... I just... I couldn't!" they looked into the dark orbs that were looking back onto their [E/C] ambers with warm and optimism. How, how did he do it? "I was a coward Marco... I'm no top student or cadet or whatever the hell you want to call it! I don't even deserve to be in the Military Police... someone like me." the freckled boy was about to comfort them but the undercut haired boy interrupted them.

"Listen here!" Jean crouched down looking into [Y/N]'s eye with all seriousness. "We didn't become cadets to cry and be weak! Everyone has their fears and you are no expectation as well! But if you after this say you are going to join the Garrison or the Military Police... After talking me down over and over again! I swear to the King's butt to kick you down from Wall Rose! Do you hear me?!" he was about to continue when heavy steps sounded between them. Looking up, the three of them faced with Reiner who had a strict expression but it softened as the looked at their love. "Can you talk into some sense please?" standing up Jean grabbed Marco's arm pulling the boy away leaving the two alone. Well if this crowded rooftop could be called a place to leave someone alone on it.

Facing their legs [Y/N] tried to avoid their boyfriend's gaze. Sure they said everyone that they are not dating but only the two of them knew it. It was enough for them and the short-haired blonde didn't complain about either. So it was fine, but situations like this made [Y/N] feel uneasy they had enough problem after they found out they are Sadies adoptive child. This didn't need to bite them back in the end.  
Fingers curled under their chin slowly raising their head. The [E/C] orbs melted together with the hazel-gold gems. They were filled with warmth and love, caring yet worried about the one in front of them. [Y/N] was about to speak but Braun just shook his head making them silent.

"Look, it's fine to weak... and making sacrifice comes with being a soldier. As much as we want, we cannot save everyone." he softly spoke kneeling down normally. Letting go of their chin he got both of their hands and fondling their fingers together. "Look," putting the hand onto his chest he let them feel his heartbeat. "I am alive, you are alive..."

"But..."

"I know, they are not..." referring to the other Reiner let out a sigh. "You can't save everyone no matter how hard you try no matter what you do! And not every sacrifice comes by choice! If you choose to fight with the Titans you would've just died as well! [Y/N] you choose to run away because there are things you want to live for!" gently going closer he put his forehead against theirs. "Being weak is okay, being afraid is okay!" giving them a loving smile he gave them a small peck on the lips. "Calm down, and we get through this together okay?" when they finally received a nod they let go of their hand.

"Wait! Reiner!" standing onto their legs they let out a hiss as they grabbed the boy's arm.

"[Y/N]! You have to rest!" he said trying to make them sit down again. "C'mon please, it's dangerous for you!"

"I think... I think... someone was there..." whispering the words into his chest [Y/N] kept standing.

"What? Where?" he asked back holding them.

"At the wall after that monster disappeared. They just vanished and I heard a VMG." they spoke still looking down.

"Well, of course!" his voice got a bit shaky but he tried to hide it. "There were a bunch of you there! Obviously, you going to hear the noise of that."

"No... someone else... someone. I think, and maybe I just hit my head, but I think... that it was someone from us." looking up at their boyfriend they watched the shocked expression.

"That's ridiculous! How would a human be something like that?!" he yelled getting everyone's attention. "What kind of mind logic you have? If they are monsters who are humans you are meaning to tell me that we are the enemy or what?!" pressing their lips into a line [Y/N] just shook their head. "We what to take you to the wall, so you can rest in the infirmary! This blood loss messing up with your head."

"Yeah, yeah you are right..." they spoke. "I'm sorry I think... just the shock." as they gently sat back down they let go of the other watching them walk away. Was it really they imagination? But then, why did they went after nothing? No there must have been someone right? Right?


	8. Chapter Six - Ashes of the Loved Ones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a Picrew edited picture of my OC at the end of the chapter. They also have a sibling who comes in, way later in the story.

After getting better things escalated rather quickly. To one moment from the other Mikasa appeared leading the others. She must have been hurt by the fact that Eren is now dead, but you can't change that...

"[Y/N]..." looking up they gazed into Jean's eyes. "Do you think you will be okay? You barely have any gas even with me sharing it with you."

"Horse-face do I look like some weakling to you?" although they felt like one, and they did nothing but being deadweight the sudden confidence hit them. Even they were surprised by it themselves. It's not like they want to die now. "And also..." standing up normally they watched towards the HQ where titans we're crawling up on the walls trying to get it. "We have some monsters to kill, right?"

"If I know that a fight with your boyfriend makes you cocky, I've done it sooner!" he chuckled as he used his VMG and headed towards the building.

"He is not my boyfriend!" yelling they went after the male. "Well, not publicly..." mumbling to themselves they commented.

**-**

As the pain in their shoulder stung they landed on a roof near to the HQ. There was so many other who does just by trying to get there, and now they didn't even have a chance to fight.  
Looking around there was no signs of either male but they have hoped that they got in. Got in safely without a wound.

Hearing a roar they felt the building tremble as they watched a 15-meter titan running towards them. Was it abnormal? Was it some new monster? If it heads to the building to destroy it sure going to win, no, no, they can't let that happen. Getting out their blades they were ready to face death. With a tight grip on the handles, they gritted their teeth as their [H/C] hair fell into their face.

"[Y/N]!" hearing their name soon Connie alongside with Mikasa and Armin landed in front of them. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting ready to stop that?" raising their hand they pointed towards the titan which soon landed a punch on another one. "Whoa...wait, what?!"

"There is no time to explain!"

"It's not interested in us, only in the other titans," Armin commented. "We have to get into the building as quick as possible! Recharge our supplies and then get back to the wall with the remaining soldiers!" he said not even letting his friend say something. Connie grabbed [Y/N]'s arm and they headed towards the HQ.

Jumping in the window the glass shattered as it flows through the air. People were screaming, yelling and the tension was sensible. The supply cadets were terrified by the titans, but who were not? Maybe those who cannot understand death, like Eren was, or Mikasa... speaking of the devil. [Y/N] looked up at the raven-haired girl who was holding onto tightly to her red scarf as she walked over to a smaller group. They started talking about ideas and plans on how to get down to the basement which was filled with smaller titans. Or at least this is what the others have said.  
Feeling a hand under their arm [Y/N] looked up facing with Reiner's hazel orbs. They smiled at the male as 'thank you'. The feeling was so familiar to them, but why?

≪ °❈° ≫

_Coughing up the mud and dirt from their mouth they stared onto the ground. They've lost again, it was the third this week. No matter how they tried beating Annie in combat seemed impossible. Pushing themselves up they wiped off the dirt from their cheeks when they felt a hand under their arms._

_"You should give up on beating her..." Reiner chuckled as he helped up the other from the ground. "I would say only Mikasa will beat her, but you never."_

_"You say I am weak?" frowning their browns they gave a deadly look with their [E/C] ambers. "If I recall you are no match for her either my 'Big Shining Armour!' so please do not feel like you have the right to tell me." with a mocking tone they stepped away. It's been a month since they and the short-haired blonde started to go out. More or less... It was [Y/N] who felt more uneasy about it, but still battled with themselves when it came to the male._

_"Awe... Buttercup, don't be like that!" he sighed. "I just want to be good to you as always!" he winked but the sparkling glares sent down shivers on his spine. "What?"_

_"You and your shitty nicknames make me disgusted so please stop with them!" with their index finger they've pointed into his face. "I do not need you to babysit nor your 'lovely-dovely' care! I'm a soldier, not a weak civilian who needs protection!" and with that, they have turned on their heels walking away still pouting to themselves._

_"[Y/N]! I just wanted to give a little support!" he yelled._

≪ °❈° ≫

"Need a hand?" with a toothy smirk he watched them accept the help. "We get rid of the titans down, until please let someone treat your wounds properly." he pleaded and walked them to one of the turned-up tables making them sit against it. "First thing-"

"Is to get me back to the wall. Chill down Romeo, I'll be fine." [Y/N] smiled as they watched towards the other cadet who was coming with the emergency supplies. "And you know me, I'll be probably back on my feet in minutes."

"Yeah, this is what I am worried about." he chuckled and before leaving he gave them a small peck on the forehead.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Walking towards the others they watched as everyone refilled their equipment. Spotting out the two-haired male and his freckled friend [Y/N] walked closer, overhearing the words.

"Don't get mad when you hear this okay?" with a sheepish smile the black-haired male scratched his nape. "You are not a strong person, so you can really understand how weak people feel."

_How weak people feel..._ the words strike through [Y/N]'s chest like an arrow. They were always blinded by the revenge and the goal, that they forgot the simple truth. They are all humans, and there is no way they could ever win against monsters like those out there. Clenching their hands into fists their nails dug into their palm before they moved again.

"HUH?! And what exactly you mean by that?!" raising his voice Jean was about to yell when he felt hands on his shoulders as the weight slowly pushed him down. "What the- you!? Aren't you supposed to be resting?!" he asked as he pushed away from the other.

"Don't feel like it." shrugging their shoulders they put their [H/C] lock behind their ears before sitting down next to them. "I'm not really sure what were you guys talking about just now... but I do think that Marco has a point." smiling at the other they hugged him with one arm at the shoulders. "And you are smart too... I mean not as smart as I am, but you are way sharp-minded than me." receiving a confused look they let out a sigh as the two looked back up at the freckled male.

"I, I think [Y/N] meant that you are good at recognizing what's going on in any specific moments. So you exactly know what needs to be done as well," they explained. The other nodded in agreement. "And I think even they would have you as a leader rather than me..."

"Oh, so this was your boys topic today! I thought it was only pep-talking." they chuckled. "But true, I think most of us -including me- forgot during our training years that we are, just humans... most of us are weak, none of us is a born Mikasa or Eren. But I think a great leader, is what it takes to get their soldier into the battle and even if it means they might pay with their own lives... they would do the best to win it. Because they know it is worth it."

"You guys..." the milk-brown haired male looked at his friend and then just remained silent with a smile. He wanted to talk back, or just disagree but they knew it wasn't time for that. Maybe he gave both a small hit on the head after they are safe again.

**-**

Getting out of the building they watched as the titan gets eaten by the others until a different abnormal one appeared.

"It's the one that ate Thomas!" [Y/N] was about to jump when Armin held them back looking at the scene. The same time the monster yelled as well and throwing the smaller titans against it attacked it until there was nothing but steaming blood left. Soon the other fell as well and started steaming as their body dissolved.

"Look, there is someone in there!" Connie yelled but Mikasa was the first to move, and soon they were hugging the one coming out from the nape of the titan.

"EREN!" Armin screamed as he jumped down as well. Fondling their fingers together and salty tears flow down on their cheeks. "You are alive..."

≪ °❈° ≫

_"So..." swinging their legs on the edge of the roof of the stables they held onto the wood. "What do you think?"_

_"About what?" the other asked not looking at the one next to them._

_"About anything Bertholdt!" rolling their [E/C] orbs [Y/N] let out a sigh as they pulled up one of their legs hugging it tightly. "About me and Reiner being together? C'mon, you are his closest friend I can't talk this out with Marco or Mina!"_

_"Oh, oh! About that!" he blushed as he watched everywhere but at his friend. "It's okay, it's okay."_

_"No, you beanpole! I was talking about how this is a bad idea and I think during times likes this I should be focusing on my duties, and not on love!" they yelled, soon they let disappointed sigh they jumped off the flat roof. "You know what? Just forget it..."_

_"Wait, wait!" jumping down he went after them. "Look I think it's fine to be happy, after all, I don't think a lot of us here has anyone to go back home right?" he spoke as they walked next to them. "I mean I know Reiner and I don't, so having someone that you want to live for, or just be happy that they are alive, is enough motivation! I just don't want you or him to feel hurt in the end..." turning away with his head he murmured something to himself. Hearing the steps fading next to them they stopped looking back his comrade. "[Y/N]?"_

_"It's just... you are right, I do want someone special to live for. Like how you do it for Annie! Or how Mikasa is determined because of Eren!" roses bloom on the tall boy's cheeks from the wording, but he remained quiet. "Maybe I'm still getting used to the fact that I have people that I want to live for, and the familiar fear of losing them in a blink of an eye just gets me. After all, you would want to protect Annie with all your heart as well, don't you?" looking back up onto their friend they let out a small chuckle as Bertholdt started to look like a fresh tomato from the garden. "Let's go back before dinner, in the end, Sasha eats our shares as well!" jogging pass them they waved leaving the male alone._

_Bertholdt felt the uneasy feeling growing in his stomach as he watched the other go away._

**-**

_[Y/N] watched the Reiner studying in the library with a full-on focus, but their own mind still was on the fact about living for someone. Was it actually worth it? Did they even live before that? For their parents? They must have, after all, it was unconditional love.  
_

_And now there was Sadies, who told them now multiple times, to stay alive, and just come back, they had friends who they wanted to fight alongside with... having a special someone, that you want to live for.  
Looking back up their eyes spotted the blonde looking at them with a loving smile. Was this okay? It was obvious that they liked him, but calling it love was a strong word. Were they even capable of that? No, definitely not, it takes more than just stares, gifts and being together, that takes times and care. Letting someone behind the walls it's just too risky._

≪ °❈° ≫ _  
_

And there way they sitting behind Wall Rose after Trost fell. Everything was rushing through in [Y/N]'s mind as they recalled the events. So much in so short time period, and now there is the fact that Eren is alive, and he is TITAN! Were they right? Were they right about humans being in titans?

"No, no, no, no... it doesn't make sense. It doesn't, how? Why? If it does than were killing humans all along?!" looking at the ground with widened eyes they mumbled to themselves. Fingers running into their hair and vision shook and blurred each time. They felt sick, they felt like they are going to throw up. "What if we are the bad ones? What if we're the ones who made others get into danger?! No, no, no it can't be!" they wanted to scream but each time if they tried to speak louder their voice broke.

Those who were there were told not to talk about the situation, yet watching one of their own comrades nearly losing their mind. Even Jean freaked out, although his trust about Eren just lowered. Reiner and Bertholdt looked onto the table with shook as they waited, not even for them were this information enough to convince them about bad and good.  
Connie time to time looked over to the wall where the Garrisons got Eren and Mikasa alongside with Armin. Were they about to kill them? If yes then that meant they counted as traitors, and what will happen afterwards? All of them will end up dead as well because they saw it? Because they used Eren's Titan to get into the HQ?

Their frustration just went higher when they felt the ground shook, and screams filled the air. Looking up they saw the steaming smoke from where their friends were.

Moving on their own the cadets jump onto the roof looking down. Half-formed titan was holding up its arm. Under the ribs, Armin and Mikasa came out as the girl went up to its nape helping Eren out. Gritting their teeth [Y/N] jumped down without even listening to anyone. Taking away a gun from one of the soldiers they walked forward.

They clearly heard how Armin was on and on about using these powers to save the world, yet this didn't change their movements. Holding up the gun they pointed at the frightened blonde.

"Say Alert, how does it feel to be a traitor?" they asked while the [E/C] orbs pierced towards the others. "We learned so much during the training, even how to kill a human in instant! Human or Titan, if you kill him right here right not there won't be anything!" yelling they watched as Mikasa stood up getting her blades out.

"I won't let you get near to him," she spoke.

"That's why I'm going to shoot." aiming toward the dark-haired male they were about to pull the trigger when someone lowered the weapon. Looking up they faced a bald man with a silver moustache.

"Commander Pyxis!" one of the men yelled. But the old man just smiled calmly. "That, that guy over there is a Titan! We have to get rid of him!" but there was still nothing from him, ignoring everything he just smiled.

**-**

Fit a frustrated sigh they fixed their own gear. The plan that Commander Pyxis came up, that they have listened to Armin and trusts Eren. This is utterly ridiculous and dangerous if the Titans could speak and be normal humans, convincing or killing them would be the true victory. Fighting alongside them...

"[Y/N]..."

"What!?" looking up they looked into Bodt dark orbs. "If you gonna give me a heart-warming preach about how I should sit and listen Bodt then...then... then tell me! Do it! Because I feel like my head is being crushed and I can't take it!" shaking their head they felt pain as they stared to the ground.

"Look, I know it's hard to think about it..." as he talked they heard the rumbles from outside. "But, now the best we can do is to trust Eren save the people!" he smiled. "You don't need a preach, and I can't give one, because I am just as helpless as you are." turning he started to walk towards the exit. "But I know if we do survive, then it will be worth it."

"A way to talk cadet!" a girl gave a hit onto Marco's back as she turned towards [Y/N]. "Now let's go before we end up dead." she giggled like this situation was a joke. Who were they anyway? "Oh right, none of you know me. I'm Cora Diedrick, I was in the Training Corps with you guys! Although I didn't make any memorable big movement..." with a sheepish smile they scratched the back of their neck. "But I remember all of you!"

"Uh..." standing up [Y/N] walked there shaking hands with the girl. "Sorry, about that..."

"It's okay, just make sure to treat your wounds after this. Now I'm off to help the others, Marco?" she smiled at the male who just waved at their friends before leaving.

Soon [Y/N] left the HQ in case of cleaning off titans. Now it was the chance for them to clear their head. Stopping on the roof they looked around, only to spot out a titan sitting at the builder. Using the VMG they helped out the others protecting the monster, while Armin was yelling and maybe trying to wake up Eren.  
Swinging in the air with the steel wires. They attack the Titans as the hot blood-stained onto their skin and clothes before drying up quickly. Soon they panted as they stopped standing on the side of the tower.

Watching Eren move again holding up the builder they let out a relieved sigh. So he might be useful after all. Hearing the roar of the monster chills ran down on their bones and started to follow after it to clear up the way behind them, but soon a familiar scream made them froze in the air and their gear got detached from the building.

Falling onto the ground they rolled a few before hitting against the wall. Coughing, they looked up seeing Marco screaming for help as a Titan hold him up.

"MARCO!" yelling they jumped up shooting up their gear they were about to slash the monster when someone went against them pushing them back onto the ground. "What the-" they felt as a hand pushed their head down covering their eyes and soon everything else went back.

"You insane?!" someone yelled. It was like far-far from them and just echoed in an empty room. "You weren't supposed to do that!!"

"They wanted to stop the Titan! It was a risk and we had to take it!" the other yelled. "Quick, they are moving..." and loud footsteps rumbled on the ground.

Faints and effortless blink revealed people running away, nothing seemed familiar and everything looked red. Did somebody paint the world? Different shades of reds and pinks. [Y/N] tried to move, look around, but their body felt heavy, and a strong painful sting followed every movement. Getting their hands under their chest they slightly pushed themselves up from the ground. The sun was setting and the colours started to mix together.  
Noticing a familiar face, they remembered how was Marco about to be eaten and they wanted to save him.

"M-Ma..." their voice was cracky and faint. Their mouth felt dry as their throat got soared. "Mahrcoh..." crawling in pain they soon get to them, but not even being able to look up they rested down onto the ground. Taking deep breaths.

_I have to save him, we have to get back..._ it will be alright. With the thought, they looked up onto the male's hand and with their own bloody ones they tried to reach it. Slowly blinking they moved their hand but it fell onto the ground before even reaching the other.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

After finally securing the wall every soldier started to clean up the bodies, helping out each other. It was maybe a day or two since the event, yet hundreds of corpses were around the whole district.

First, they got rid of the civilians' bodies and remained stuff to hand them over their familiar before collecting their own comrades. Jean -just like everyone else- wore a cloth over his mouth and gloved hands making sure not to get infected by the bodies. Stopping in their tracks he looked at the familiar face.

"Marco..." he whispered and soon started looking around, finding someone who might have known what happened to him. That my somebody knows who was with him. "Did, anybody... knows...?" talking his words got interrupted by their command who was writing down the names.

"We are a risk of a contagious disease if we don't clean up everything. If you know his name, state it. There is no time for mourning over your comrades." the woman looked so emotionless, and the male saw what he had felt. They must saw so many others like this, there is no point of crying.

"From the 104th training corps Marco Bodt, he was the leader of 19th squad..." he said.

"Good, and the other?" she turned to the body who was laying just slightly further from it. It had the arms reaching towards the male and their [H/C] locks dried blood in them. Jean's eyes widened as he fell onto his knees. "Trainee."

"[Y/N]..." he whispered going closer to their body. Gently turning their head he caressed the [S/C] cheeks that were now full of cuts and bruises and with dried blood. Standing up he was about to tell any needed information when [Y/N]'s fingers flinched. They were alive, barely but they were... Watching their chest slowly rising and falling both commandant and cadet looked at them. "They are still alive! Somebody! Quick!" yelling around he crouched down trying to wake them up properly. "[Y/N]! C'mon! Wake up!" as their lips parted away there was a faint sound that didn't sound neither word nor some painful groan. "Just stay alive for a little more!"

Even though the two-haired male didn't know if they were actually hearing him or not, he kept talking to them. Like when he first treated their wound, making sure they breathe, they stay alive just until they get the treatment.

As soldier started yelling and running around Bertholdt look up from Annie who was kept saying sorry to the different corpses. He didn't get it what was going on when soon someone run towards them. Leaning forward they panted and stared at the ground before yelling.

"They found somebody alive! Anyone who is not in serious duty goes and help! We need to get them to the HQ as quickly as possible!" looking up they've spotted the wide-shoulder short-haired blonde with a gear on. "You!" pointing at them Reiner frowned their brows. They wanted to finish this quickly so he could look for [Y/N] saving somebody unknown was not in his interests. "What are you staring! Go and get the injured one to the HQ it's an ORDER SOLDIER!" raising their tone they watched him nodding and going to the given location.

Gliding through the sky with his gear he looked down until he spotted Jean. He was waving up to him, and he held onto a body. Reiner was quick to recognize the one in his friend's hand.

Getting onto the ground he ran towards Jean getting [Y/N]'s body into their own hands. Tightly holding onto them he felt his heart speed up and his breath hitched. If he knew it was about them they would have instantly come. But now he is here and they are alive, they survived.

"Don't just stand there! Go and take them to the infirmary or something!" Jean yelled punching the other out of his trance with his voice. "Go, go, go!" the other nodded before properly holding onto them and using his gear with one hand.

**-**

Although he really did want to save his loved one they didn't go to the HQ nor to the walls. They knew exactly who they needed to find and to get their help. Looking around they made sure there is no one around before busting through a door with their shoulder.

"OH DEAR YMIR!" yelling with a high pitched down a girl with brown and blonde looks, and bright grass green eyes looked up. "Reiner! What the hell are you doing here?!" quickly closing the door, shutting the doors they turned on their heels looking back at their friend. There was a dark mole on the corner of their left eyes.

"Cora you have to help!" stating he put down [Y/N] onto the bed. "[Y/N] is injured and I don't know what I should do... I... I was supposed to take them to the wall, or-or to the HQ but I didn't!" he yelled and with wide terrified eyes, they looked at the smaller woman. The pale-skinned girl looked at the one on the bed. "Cora! Please, you know how to treat a wound properly!" rolling her lip under her teeth she bit onto to it as her arms crossed in front of their chest.

"Ack, fine, fine! I'll save your stupid friend!" she said and pushing away the male, she started to undress the soldier. "Fucking dammit, I didn't come to Paradise to save some devil's life." the murmured. "Now get out!"

"But..."

"Get out before they notice you are gone Braun!" looking at the boy with a death glare she hissed. "It's your fault we are in this situation and I am no point risking my life for your messed up mindset!" turning back to the injured one they started to treat them while hearing the wooden door getting shut behind them.

≪ °❈° ≫

_Breathing into their hands they watched as the warm cloud of air flies up in the cold sky. The sun was already set, but Ymir and Krista still didn't return from the mountains. Everyone easily got here but they stayed behind._

_"Don't worry..." feeling a hand on their shoulder's they looked up. Meeting a pair of warm hazel orbs. "They are strong, and sure will get here." he smiled. "But you should get inside, it's cold."_

_"I know... but I want to be here to help them when they get back, after all, they stayed behind because Krista wanted to help somebody... Yet we just turned our back on them." [Y/N] said putting their hands against the male's shoulder. "I feel bad about it."_

_"You can't save everyone, and we were freezing as well.." he whispered giving a small kiss onto the top of their [H/C] hair on their scalp. Fondling their fingers together he brought up the [S/C] hand to his mouth laying small pecks onto it._

_"Reiner!" [Y/N] chuckled as he watched the other before receiving a kiss on their lips. Closing their eyes they kissed him back as their lips curled up into a smile. "I love you..." they whispered._

_It was a lot still, to have so many people that they have decided to live for, but they had to admit. The tall blonde was their weakness._

≪ °❈° ≫

Slowly opening their eyes they looked around. It was dark and the only sound that they heard was the crackling and roaring of the fire.

"What... happened...?" looking to their right they saw their friend watching the burning spots and Connie was sitting on the ground holding onto his head. "Guys?" slowly standing up, they felt a slight pain on their leg. Looking down on themselves there was no serious injury nor anything that they know they got. Why were they okay?

Walking towards the others they overheard as the two haired male spoke to the others.

"I've decided, I... I'm gonna join the survey corps. " the said holding onto his fisted hand. Stepping closer they stepped onto something that cracked under their feet. Everyone turned towards them. "[Y/N]..." they knew Jean is not the type to cry yet not there were salty tears running down their cheeks as he hugged them. And soon Sasha, Connie and the others jumped onto them.

"What the... guys! Get off!" they yelled even though they were happy. They were alive, everyone who... almost everyone was alive just like. "Marco..." whispering to themselves they looked up at the two haired male. "Where is Marco?" watching the lips of the other turning into a thin line he put his hand out which was filled with dirt, ashes and a small piece of bone.

Looking towards the fire once again they now only saw their comrades there as they were burning up in the flames. Repeating in denial they wanted to move, but Reiner held them back as they cried out and screamed... The mood quickly went dark again as everyone watched [Y/N] breaking down in pain and cried over and over again. Keep saying their dead comrade's names and wishing them to come back.  
As they quiet down they kneeled onto the ground crying silently. They didn't save anyone, they just let them die like fish bait and this will what the remaining soldiers were. Bait, bait to something that is so far and has a low chance of becoming true. The victory of humanity is not even close as they thought about it.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." putting their head against the ground they kept talking.

"[Y/N]..." kneeling down next to them Reiner caressed their back staying by their side until the fire ran out and only the ashes of their comrades, friends remained.

_____________________________________________

**_The picture was edited in picrew. So it's not my own art I used a website for the making._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late, it was either writer's block and a short chapter or getting rid of it and having a decent chapter. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone. And I decided to include my OC(s) in the story as well. One of them is Cora Dierdrick, who happens to have a sibling but will be included later in the story.


	9. Chapter Seven - Unknown Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yeah finally something that I actually planned. Although the timeline got a mixed up and I used it differently, I think I'm going well. Soon there will be my favourite scenes from the anime.
> 
> Please remember it's still my fanfiction, so the story includes non-anime/manga related information and changes but still tries to work along with the original work!

"So, you are [Y/N] [L/S] is that correct?" looking up from his desk his eyes blue eyes drifted towards the one standing in the door.

"Yes, Commander!" bowing they've straightened up. Their body trembled as the man looked at them. "B-but why was I called in the first place?" they asked as they walked closer, they were not told why or what did they do, but apparently after Eren's criticism on the court they called them in.

"We received a report that you were the only survivor that the soldiers found during the cleaning," he stated looking at the papers in front of him. "But it also states that you have disappeared after cleaning up the area around the Titan." they opened their mouth to say something but then went silent. They had no memory besides trying to save Marco. What exactly happened to them? "Surviving something a situation like this is not a surprise although the report said you had multiple injuries before being found, and you had even more after that. The cadet who found you reported you were barely alive reaching out for one of your dead comrades."

"Yes, that is true sir. I do happen to recall all the memories of myself." nodding they stood still watching at their Commander.

"But, there are no reports about you being on the HQ or at the wall to receive treatment," he said and slightly pushed the papers towards [Y/N] who just looked down. There were maybe three pages about them including the one with their personal information. "And you have perfectly healed with no scratches all. The Commandant who was in charge of the corpse cleaning and burning them up said you woke up there."

"That is correct, Commander. I woke up there, but I have no memories of anything else. After trying to save my comrade the only thing I can recall is..." staring down at the papers they tried to remember what actually was there. "Is..." lowly speaking they heard the small echoes and the faint voices in their head. They could tell him the truth and the theory about Titans being human, but then again. It's something that is way too absurd, yet there was Eren. "is that..."

As they tried to recall anything they felt the pain going through their head. The headache gave them a stinging pain in their temple making them tremble. Putting their hand onto the painful spot they walked against the wall holding themselves up.

"Cadet?" Erwin stood up from his seat watching whats going on. "Cadet!" he yelled and the guards came in the door being ready for the attack.

"I-I'm..." as [Y/N] tried to speak they felt their stomach-turning upside down, while a knot formed and tightly got pulled by gravitation. Soon with widened eyes, their watch as their breakfast freed themselves from their body landing on the ground.

"Call a doctor, and get them to the infirmary!" the man ordered as he walked closer to them trying to hold them up as they saw the younger soldier's leg shake. Soon the yellow-ish acid liquid that had differents food parts in it started to colour itself with a slight red. "It's okay, it's going to be okay," he said but soon his eyes widened and their pupils shrank as they saw what have they soldier threw up with the rest of the things.

**-**

Walking towards the castle Erwin held onto the small pouch. He knew that currently Hange and Levi were with Eren. He knew that after the court Eren was already growing his teeth back that Captain Levi has kicked out.

Opening the door he looked around the room. At the long table, there was sitting the Captain with his closest soldiers and with the soldier.

"Erwin?" looking up Levi slightly frowned his brow as he looked up at him. "What are you doing here."

"I am sorry. I know that you and Hange will be working on knowing the Titans better, but I have a problem. One of my soldiers threw up this." throwing the pouch onto the table it opened revealing a small piece of metal and cloth piece that was clearly from a uniform. The others flinched in disgust.

"Hi there, SQUAD LEVI!" Hange opened the door but stopped in her tracks and watched up to Erwin. "Commander."

"Hange I need you to examine these, I know you are busy but I do not think that these are things that a human should be allowed to throw up." turning on his heels he looked at the wall in front of him in the hallway. "I do want to know why would a normal soldier threw up things like that, although I do not plan on giving an another bother into your hands but..."

"If they throw up metal pieces and fabric that should have to do something with them being a titan..." Levi spoke up. "Are you trying to tell me that the one person who somehow managed to survive two days with a few drops of blood left in them..."

"They could be a Titan themselves, with not remembering anything, yes. Not even he had memories about attacking their own comrade, so I do not see any doubt why it could not be true." the blond male said. "I'll be having a close eye on them, but if you get to know anything serious, consider telling me if it can be put together with them."

Eren quietly watched the whole thing. He knew he was the one securing the wall, but he was right in the dungeon when he woke up. On the court he only got to know how he was about to kill Mikasa, he had no memories about the times during being a titan. But could that be possible that someone else is one too? Looking at the items he stood up from his seat achieving all the eyes onto him.

"I'm sorry Commander to interrupt but I would like to know the name of my comrade." putting his hands onto the table he waired whole his nails dug into the wood. "The one who survived. After securing the wall I only got to know what I was doing in my Titan form but nothing about my friends!"

"[Y/N] [L/S]." Erwin said as he turned away once again. "They have most of their memories only some of the pieces missing. Mostly during the time period while you were a Titan, and according to the reports they should have been injured or dead."

"Why?" Eren asked. The last time when they saw [Y/N] was after Thomas got killed with the others, on the squad. "The last thing that I remember about them is being with me in my squad. They have stabbed themselves on the leg."

"Exactly, [Y/N] has no injuries like they have experienced nothing, yet they can perfectly describe the feeling and correctly with the report say where the injuries should have been." Erwin nodded. "This is why I cannot think they are a titan, but we can't erase the idea that there are special monsters out there who are controlled by a human." and with that, he walked away from the group leaving the area to get back to their own office.

"Tsk..." clicking with his tongue the Captain looked towards the pouch, there was no way he was touching it, although they didn't really know what was the rest in it. "Hange, check these out first, make him happy." the woman nodded as she walked closer. "Tomorrow we start your training Eren, but don't worry, we won't hesitate to kill you if it comes to that."

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Sitting in on the old wooden bed [Y/N] looked at the chains on their leg. After throwing up in Commander Erwin's office they were put to rest and a doctor checked on them. There were no signs of them being sick or infected considering being with corpses two days straight. But even the old man couldn't tell why did they had such things in their stomach.

A piece of the blade, that was clearly the same as their own ones that they use for battle, there was a piece of cloth as well. It was stained with their own insides so to tell what fabric piece is that exactly was impossible -even after cleaning that out. The last thing was still making rounds in their stomach as their thought back about it. A ring finger, with a golden ring on it, obviously there was no telling who could have that person been, but in the golden jewellery, there were different numbers.   
They clearly remembered when they overheard that those could be coordinates, of a lower where they got married. In that case, they could've been soldiers, and some people said it's a date. In truth [Y/N] just wanted to know how such things got into their body.

"[Y/N]!" running to the grid Reiner worriedly looked at them. "Are you okay? Did they hurt you?"

"I'm not a baby!" rolling their [E/C] orbs their let out a sigh. "I'm fine Reiner. I just got sick and threw onto the Commander's floor," explaining they let out a nervous chuckle.

"That is no reason to get locked up in the dungeon!" he yelled. "You barely survived the past few days, you got sick after you got called in for no damn reason! If you think that would not make me mad than you are wrong!" tightening his grip on the old grille his knuckles whitened. "They have nothing against you that should say 'Lock me up' so I'm not going to remain calm until you are out of here."

"Well, if you considering step aside." a guard spoke up looking at the younger male. Saluting to him Reiner stepped away watching the man going inside to get the chains of the prisoner. "Commander Erwin decided that you'll be under his wings until further notice!" he said getting off the chains of off their ankle. [Y/N] nodded as they stood up. "Your stuff will be given back to you soon so please wait here." walking away he closed back the grid before looking at the hazel-eyed male. Reiner waited for some comment but he got nothing only to see the man walking away. 

Looking onto their boyfriend's expression [Y/N] felt shivers running down on their spine before a sudden headache greeted them making them sit down. There were voices again, or at least two and one of them was desperately screaming.

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Noo, no! Please don't! I'm begging you!" the man screamed looking at the figure before him. [Y/N] was sitting on the cold wooden flooring trying to understand the situation. He looked frightened._

_"Oh, don't worry, it will be okay, it's a blink of an eye will be." with a syringe the person turned towards the [E/C] orbs and their lips curled into a small smile. "Somebody is finally awake!" they giggled crouching down before them. Looking into the grass green eyes [Y/N] recognized them. Cora, she was with Marco last time on the HQ. As they were about to speak they felt a hand on their mouth. "Don't even try, you are not in the shape either to speak. I tried so hard to kill you back there!" she sighed. Their eyes widened when the flashback of trying to save Marco came back, and how they were pushed back onto the ground. It was her? Did she stop them from saving him? "It's not like I have a specific problem with you [Y/N] it's just... I don't like it when somebody is, you know. Trying to ruin my plans because those idiots failed!" with an annoyed groan she stood up._

_"What do you mean? And why did you let Marco die?! He did nothing wrong." they spoke as soon as they mouth were free. Their throat still hurt but they had to know. "You are the one behind all of this or what?! Are the titans your experiment monsters?!"_

_"Mine? Oh no, that would way big of honour to me! I'm just doing what Zeke advice me to do!" as she mentioned the name [Y/N]'s brows frowned in question. Who was Zeke, and what is she actually doing? What's that purple fluid on the container of the syringe? There were so many questions and somehow the gut feeling told them they were not gonna get an answer. "Oh, you look so questioning! I'll explain to you in a minute, but... you'll forget it anyway." she giggled going back down injecting the serum into their neck. "Night-night [Y/N] tell Reiner that next time don't bother me with his love problems!" she whispered into their ear before stepping away. Soon things blurted together and she felt knocked out._

≪ °❈° ≫

"Hey!" someone yelled and in the next minute, there were clothes thrown at them. "Get ready and leave, I do not have all day!" the guard spoke as [Y/N] looked up at them. Was that really a thing that happened, or just a dream? Or they mind playing with them? Better to ask the other about Cora, right? They must know something. Crossing his arms the guard waited while his feet knocked against the ground.

"Would you mind?" with a cocky tone [Y/N] speak looking at the man. They also noticed that Reiner wasn't around anymore. When did they ever leave? "You know the grid is see-through and I would not like to strip for a random guy."

"Well, and I would not want to get attacked by a prisoner."

"Aren't your job to get my weapons away?" rolling their eyes they stood up. "So I should not have anything that can harm you! If I would I would already be out!" standing in the corner their back facing the guard they started to strip down from the clothes. They got rid of the short-sleeved shirt and over their shoulders, they looked back at the man who was not smirking. "I knew it! You are a disgusting pervert!"

"Hey, it's not a typical situation that Commander Erwin as a special scout under his arms! I wanted to know what special there could be that got his attention." shrugging his shoulders he winked at them.

"Well, in that case, I suggest you ask me than interrupting ones privacy." the guard froze and saluted as he turned on his heels facing with the Commander. "Get out." the man ordered and the soldier just nodded running out from the dungeon. "I'm sorry about that." turning he showed his back to [Y/N]. "Please continue."

"No way! I wouldn't even change if the king would be standing there to 'protect me'! I do not care that you are a Commander or not! Get OUT!" they yelled but Erwin did not move. Not even for an inch. With a painful groan, they continued changing. They hoped it will be quick and soon they can get out of here.

"I just wanted to make sure that everything goes well," Erwin spoke up as he heard the clothes rustling echoing through the empty dungeon. "There is not a typical situation when a human being is throwing up those kinds of things." [Y/N] legs shook and a sudden disgust filled their mind.

"Please, don't mention it," they whispered.

"And it is even surprising that you are perfectly healed." his hands were behind his back holding one his wrist with the other, still looking to the other wall in front of them. "Not to mention, none of your memories can recall, anything specific that could be a help for us. After the incident with Eren Jaeger, the council and the king's helpers are concerned about the military." he continued still not looking.

"And? Where do I care about that? What does it have to do with me? I'll be killed anyway..."

"I do not believe specifically that you are Titan. Nor that you are a traitor," he said. Hearing the boots hitting against the ground he slightly looked from the corner of his eye. "Losing parents on a young age changes people, and tragedies happen daily because we are weaker." as [Y/N] turned their head they gazed onto the man's neck with questioning eyes. "I went through both yours and Eren Jaeger's documents that we had. He and two other cadets were there when the Shiganshina loss happened. But you only happened to lose both of your parents."

"What are you trying to tell me?" going closer to the grid they watched the Commander turning and his ice-blue eyes stared into theirs. "My father was no special, he played on the violin and was a soldier most of his life, my mother used to work with her family in a bakery. I know no more about them." putting their hand on the rusty coloured grid they stood the stare of the man. "I can't tell more about it even if you want me to!" they watched as his arms moved to raise up the old diary. "Why do you have that? That was my parent's diary!"

"No, it is my father's diary, he had the same one, but he was no soldier, but as I looked into this, he did have a brother," he said watching the cadet in front of them widening their eye. "I do not intend thinking it is true, but I believe, considering all the information, you are my cousin."

Sitting back down onto the ground they stared into the nothing. Did they hear it right? What was going on? Things just seemed so confusing and now there were less and less that they understood? Did their parents always know? If so why they didn't say anything?! Where were the answers now? This is just not right, it's so wrong and there were so many missing pieces.

**-**

It was already dark and maybe hundreds of cadets were standing in front Erwin before most of them left after the speech he had given. [Y/N] wanted to stand alongside with their remaining friends and comrades but they weren't allowed to. They were standing down next to the stage beside Erwin.

With their own [E/C] ambers they locked a gaze with Reiner, who gave them a small smile in relief. At least things looked more hopeful, but there were still so many things that they didn't know. After dismissing the new scouts the Commander walked down stopping in front of them.

"[Y/N] you'll be under Zacharius hands. He will be in charge of taking care of the rest of the others as well. Before going after Levi and their squad you guys have a week to rest. Use it wisely." he said giving a small pat onto their shoulders before leaving.

With a sigh they watched the Commander walking away. It was so unusual that higher-ranked people -besides Sadies- acted casually around them. It was more than nerve-wracking. It made others think about inappropriate ideas and thoughts. But currently, even they didn't know what they should be doing, but now they have a week to think and rest. If they use it as they should the answers easily come along and they can tell it to the others as well.


	10. Chapter Eight - Half-Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The character that will be mentioned is not mine it belongs to one of my friends, but it's a surprise for them. But the chapter will be dedicated to them.
> 
> Enjoy it, my little peaches!

The next day started quickly but wanted to end really slowly. It felt like somebody turned the hourglass onto the side making it impossible for the time to rush. The sun was still up high and the temperature was unbearable.

[Y/N] looked around on the streets. They were not in their uniform nor some special look, it reminded them of being a child. Although this was not Yalkell, it was still the half-way crumbled Trost, and the Garrisons were doing the work of trying to get it to build back up together. Soon they had to get ready to leave the district to go to behind Wall Once again, now to fully have a meeting about the upcoming expedition. The thought made them uneasy.

"A week..." whispering to themselves they started to walk. They only had a week to get answers, if not to Commander Erwin, but at least for themselves. Travelling to Yalkell was out of option, that would take a few days to get there, then getting permission into their own old home, that was just too many things that needed to be done there. "What am I supposed to do?" asking themselves they let out a sigh before getting the piece of paper out of their pocket.

≪ °❈° ≫

_"Reiner, can we talk?" walking to the male [Y/N] looked at him with worried eyes. Currently, there wasn't really anyone who they could talk about this, without being looked on like crazy. The memory in the dungeon felt so real, but what were the consequences if they told it to the military. That should've been the right thing to do, yet they just couldn't bring themselves to it._

_"Sure, what it is it?" he gave a wave to Bertholdt who just nodded and left after the others. "Did you get to know something about why were you locked up?" he asked while the two of them started to walk away for some more private area._

_"Yeah, you could say that." they nodded as they sat down onto a bench. "But actually, I had a memory, or a flashback, or a dream... I don't know what to call it exactly," they whispered. From the corner of their eyes, the [E/C] orbs were fixated on the blond male's face. They wanted to see every emotion and reaction that he might make. Was this accusing their partner? But Cora did talk about Reiner in the memory. So he might know something. "And it was quiet, frightening...."_

_"What do you mean?" leaning forward he places his forearms onto his thighs holding himself up, while his back remained straight. "Was it about the attack?" he asked. "Or something else?"_

_"I was in a room, I do not know where, or how did get there. But there was a man, screaming, begging for his life, and he looked mortified." it was indeed a half-lie. The man was surely okay but did beg for his life while he looked terrified each time when he had his eyes on [Y/N]. They waited for their boyfriend reaction, but he showed nothing. "And there was a girl too." Naming here would help? Would be like some kind of made-up story? "And she said to tell you not to make her involved in your love problems." [Y/N] went with the idea of a made-up story in case of not risking anything. Soon they heard a slight chuckle and when they looked up, the hazel orbs had a new kind of sparkle in them, he covered his mouth with his hand. "Reiner?"_

_"Oh, um! Sorry... it was..." he fixed his look. "So, and what happened next?" he asked like the previous thing didn't even happen._

_"You laughed at it!"_

_"No, I did not," he said normally._

_"Yes, you did! You just giggled like a small kid on a fact that somebody was suffering!" [Y/N] said as they stood up._

_"No, I did not! If you want to know I laughed at the fact what your story sounds like! It makes no sense at all! [N/N] I'm sorry, but you have to agree this put together thing sounds really ridiculous!" he defended himself. Using the nickname that the two agreed on [Y/N] felt a bit stuck. It was rare that the male used it, mostly because he knew it's something that the other cannot bite back on. Using it in a moment like this. Soon the blonde let out a sigh. "[Y/N] look, I'm sorry, but I cannot help you with this if you don't tell me about the truth." he was right and they were absolute agreement on with him._

_"Then why don't you tell me the truth?" it was supposed to be a thought but they just blurted it out._

_"Pardon?"_

_"Why don't you tell me the truth then? You act so weird when it comes, to talking about the attack, about the titans! You never told me anything about your own home either!" they said as their fingers curled into their palms letting the short nails scratch their skin. "I only know that Annie, Bertholdt and you are from the same place! But I don't know anything else! You never told me, and I'm guessing it's not in your plans at all to include me! Yet, Cora knows about it!" the words now were just coming out of them. The frustration finally took over their mind and they spoke before even they could think true the sentences._

_"Because Cora is from the same place!" he yelled but regretted in a second as he saw the changing expression of their partner. "[Y/N] I- I can explain!"  
_

_"So it wasn't a dream! Reiner if you know something you have to tell me! I threw human remains in the Commander's office!" they said stepping closer. "Did I became a Titan?! What happened to me?! Why was I with Cora?! What was that syringe?!"_

_"I do not know! I brought you there because I know she could save you!"_

_"That's not an answer! I would rathered died to become a monster to kill innocent human beings!" stepping away from him [Y/N]'s eyes squinted as their [E/C] orbs had emotions swirling up in them reflecting everything. From disgust to disappointment. "I'm going to tell it to the Commander."_

_"No, you can't." gripping onto their wrist they Reiner stopped them in their track. "If you tell him it's gonna be the same result. Other people die!"_

_"What are you talking about?" stepping closer they closely looked into the others eye as their gazes melt together, filling their chest with warmth. "Reiner, you have to tell me the truth..."_

_"I can't, not now, but I'll tell you I promise, but not now..." he said. "But you cannot tell it to the Commander either," he spoke as he let go of them. Getting out a piece of paper from his jacket's pocket he gave it to [Y/N]. "Before we go to the HQ visit Cora, tell her I sent you there, she might explain a bit the situation, but you cannot tell it to anyone else! You have to swear, lives depends on this!" although in the current circumstances made [Y/N] think differently, currently, they love towards the male was way stronger than they desire about the correct thing. What was exactly the correct decision anyway?_

≪ °❈° ≫

Standing in front of the old building they let out a sigh. Their [H/C] locks behind their ears. They wanted to trust the male, they really did but there were so many other emotions that disturbed their own actions. They promised Erwin to tell him everything if they get to know the truth, and they did know a part of it now, why, why didn't they tell it to him?

Knocking on the door they waited for a few seconds before trying again. Rumbling from the inside muffled groans before the dark wooden door opened. The grass-green eyes girl looked into the [E/C] ambers, soon it was followed by a sigh. Although it was short-termed it had so many things in it, for example, disappointment, the verge to give up and a hint of anger.

"He told you didn't he?" she spoke in a whispered tone. "Look, I'm not going to tell you anything!" not even letting the other get to speak they continued. "I heard it on the HQ that one of the cadets threw up human remains, and it is indeed my fault not making you vomit here, but I didn't think about Erwin being so nosy! That man is a bigger bite than I thought! Jeez, I talk to you because I am in no shape to hear that fucking, busted-shouldered, wanna be the man cry to me about you! I only answer, what I feel like answering, got it?" it took a few minutes to process all the things at once before they nodded and got dragged inside.

Looking around the place, many memories came back that made their body shiver. The screams, the pain, the way Cora talked. All seemed out of place yet her act, and way that they were open and honest about. She is really confident about her thing whatever is it supposed to be. 

Sitting down to her desk Cora turned back to the small paper where she and continued her writing. On the ground, there were a lot of bottles and plates. On the other side of the room was filled with clothing, dirty, bloodstained, and regular white ones as well. The duvet was packed up on the side of the bed, and they swore it was moving.

"Am, I want to know what did you give me that day." this was the first question that they wanted to know. The knowledge that Cora only tells the important things or just some was not enough to make [Y/N] think about any questions.

"Injection." not a really helpful question. "And your welcome to saving your life!"

"Yeah, thanks. Okay then, tell me about where are you from! Reiner always refers to it as a hometown or homeland. I did get that it's way farther away than anyone else." they say as they walked closer to the desk ignoring the environment. "You don't have to tell me the name, but I want to know more about his past!"

"Okay, do you want to hear it like a magical fairy tale, or the blunt truth?" Cora leaned against her chair putting her arm onto the corner of the desk. Her green orbs finally looked at them but they held no emotion. "But you cannot nor me or him, about what you are about to hear, and you cannot tell it to anyone else."

"Will it include Annie and Bertholdt?"

"Do you want to hear your boyfriend's backstory or not?!" with an annoyed tone they bit back. So those two is a bit sensitive topic, okay. They definitely not that.

"I do, I do." they nodded.

"Good, because you getting the hurtful truth, at least a part of it, the rest is his job, not mine." opening one of the drawers they got out a think book that they opened which were filled with different images. It didn't look current or anything that is from this place or made by something that belongs here. "These are called photographs, not this is the point" shaking their hands in the air they started flipping the pages. "Here, this how your Shinning Armoured love looked like back at home." getting the picture about they gave it to [Y/N]. "He looks just a same to me so I do not know what so special about it to you, but your taste, not mine." examining the picture they ran their finger through the image, the male looked so different, his eyes sparkled yet behind those orbs there was that hidden feeling, something that carved for... carved for love? Acknowledgement? "He was raised by his mother alone in the town." turning the picture [Y/N] tried to read the stuff but they had no idea what was it. "It says 'The day of victory' when he finally got what he wanted."

"What do you mean?" they asked and soon Cora flipped onto the next page. Now the pictures were filled with kids. "Who are those?"

"Bertholdt, Annie, Me, Reiner and... Marcel..." whispering the last name the girl took out the picture holding it in their hand. "He got eaten by a Titan. He gave his life to save Reiner, and now he carries the weight of that."

"I'm sorry..."

"Yeah, me too..." the girl looked at the different picture which [Y/N] followed with their own eyes. The photograph only had two-person on it. "He and I were supposed to go home together. Just like how you and that arrogant idiot wants to go home for his fiancée, I wanted to be with Marcel just as much."

"His... his what?"

"His fiancée." looking up Cora smiled. "You didn't know? Back home he had a girl who he wanted to marry, but things got a little mixed up here, and also you got into the picture."

"But he never told me about that." [Y/N] shook their head before Cora put another picture into their hand. There was Reiner once again hugging a girl who had short brown locks, soft pinks lips. "Who is that?"

"Keith, his fiancée, the girl that he loved so much, but apparently forgot about." taking back the photos Cora put them back into the book. "But don't worry I do not think there will be any problem with this. He is head over heels about you and your personality, and your look." the last part Cora had a disgusted look on her face. "Reiner is a good guy, who has some mental problems to the point even he gets me sometimes, but someone like you to get into his head so perfectly and make him aware you existence! I'm going, to be honest, I wanted to kill him when he brought you here, fucking up Zeke's plan."

"Who is Zeke?"

"None of your business. So anything else you want to know?" standing from their seat they started pushing them out of the house. "If not I suggest taking your leave before I change my mind about you being my experimental rat."

"Where does Reiner live?" they asked but the girl had a questioning look on her. "I, I mean currently, where is he? Do you know it right? You have to you four are in a full connection!"

"Four?"

"Annie, Bertholdt, Reiner and you! Cora, I won't tell it to anyone! I do not care about how many monsters you create, or try to kill I really don't!" they gripped the door frame before they could be fully pushed out. They must know, they had to talk with the boy. 

"Fine, but it's funny how you refer to us. Monsters, cute. And pretty brave from you to refer to yourself as one as well!" her green eyes lit up and shined with excitement. "Okay, okay I tell you!"

[Y/N] was pretty sure the girl was more than crazy and it was mostly made them sure when it came to their mode changes. And also how they reacted differently depending on what was the topic, but for sure that Marcel guy was a soft point for them, just like Bertholdt and Annie. The question is if they were up to ask the two what they reaction would be. But currently, it wasn't something they could risk.

**-**

After going through the wall guards [Y/N] went directly to the location what Cora gave them. But it was surprising that it was close to HQ yet still in town. It was a surprise for them but they were not going to complain about this, they wanted to see the male as soon as possible.

Walking up to the door they knocked but this time it was instantly open as a familiar face looked back at them.

"[Y/N]!"

"Jean?! What are you doing here?" they asked dumbfounded.

"What do you mean? All of us were sent here for the week, before leaving to the HQ. Commander Erwin gives us this place. It's kinda huge! We were actually surprised you are not here!" he said bringing them inside. "I quickly show you around okay? But I think Sasha and Connie are a bit in the cooking because the kitchen is really huge!" peeking into the mentioned area, Ymir and Krista were talking at the table, while Connie was cooking and Sasha was into the eating. "Guys! Look who is it!"

"Ah, [Y/N]!" Krista smiled jumping up from her seat hugging them. "It's so good to know that you are okay! I saw you when we joined the survey corps but then you just vanished! And I heard you got injured as well!"

"Ah, yeah that's a funny story which I tell you guys later, okay? Now I must find Reiner!" getting out of their friend's grip they laughed nervously. "I swear you can walk me around Jean later, but I must talk to him okay?" the male rolled his eyes with an annoyed groan. "I'm sorry."

"Upstairs, the second room to the left, he and Bertholdt in the same room."

"Thank you!" with a smile they turned on the heels and walked away.

Mumbling themselves the directions [Y/N] stopped at the door. Counting down the room they thought this should be the one that Jean mentioned. Rising up their hand they were about to knock when it opened. Facing a tall figure, dark short hair, the sky-blue greenish orbs were fixated on them. The tense feeling of nervousness and worry was clearly could be read from the male's face.

"Hi, Bertholdt!" with a shy wave they gave him a smile. "I need to talk to Reiner, could you let me in?"

"Sure..." he said stepping away watching as they walked into the room. "I'll be out for a few minutes then!" he yelled like he was purposely loud. Was it to make sure the others hear it as well? Or was it specifically for the blonde? Whichever was it, the door with the same loud thud closed leaving the two of them all alone.

"Hey [N/N]!" Reiner looked up from his bed smiling at them. "So... did you get the answer that you wanted?" his voice was low.

"Well, more or less." they walked there sitting down onto the bed as it bent in under their weight. "Also, I got to know that you guys from all of the same place, and that... you kind of have a lot of pressure on yourself."

"Pressure? I don't have anything on me," he said smiling. "But I am glad if she was able to tell you what you wanted to know. I know it's not that bit of an interesting story." scratching the back of his neck he avoided their loved ones gaze. "And I know that you might be mad at me because of it. I should've been the one who told you all of it, not her."

"Well, that is true, but it's hard to talk about things that happened in the best. Like how your friend got eaten, how you loved your life, how hard was it to leave your fiancée..." shifting their tone they waited for a reaction that soon appeared on his face. The shook and fear mixed in the hazel orbs. "So it's true... You do have a fiancée!"

"No, no, you got it wrong!" shaking his head he put his hands up in defence. "You got it all wrong! I do not have a fiancée! I never had one!"

"Oh yeah, and the girl with those brown short hair, and the light blue eyes? Hm? You meant to tell me you don't know her?!" standing up they pointed at him. "What was her name? Oh yeah, Keith!"

"She is my sister! And she got killed!" he yelled back frowning his brows in anger. "But I thought you have that much respect for me not to bring up such things! I never ask you about your parents! Because I know how is it feel to talk about something that hurts!" both parties eyes sparkled in the air from the argument.

"You are not even from here! How could possibly understand my feelings?!"

"Because I love you!"

"Love is not an answer! Cora herself said that referring to you guys as a monster is a funny world! Tell me the truth Reiner! I want to hear it from you!" with their feet they stomped onto the ground. "I want to hear the actual truth!"

"You just mad about that lie that got into your head!" he said standing up towering over the other. "What am I supposed to say?! That Cora lied to you?! Would that really help?!"

"Yes, yes that would because I would know if it's worth it to trust you with my life! But the way I see it it's not! Not at all! I get to know so many things in so short amount of time, but I don't actually know anything!" grabbing into their [H/C] hair they looked at the ground with stress-filled eyes before looking back up at the man. "If you want my truth, then tell it to me, please, Reiner I am begging you! I do not want to be someone who kills innocent people and becomes a monster."

"You think it's fun and games? That we do it because we want to?" looking towards the door Bertholdt closed it behind himself. His usual nervous shy personality was nowhere to be seen. "You think I wanted to hurt anyone? Ever? What I have done had a real good reason, same with him, or Annie! And those are none of your business!"

"What do you mean none of my business?"

"I mean, it's none of your thing to know, you don't have to know it, it's our thing!" he said towering over them. "You either accept this or not. If you are not okay with this answer than go and tell it to the Commander! I wonder how much they believe someone who was accused of being a titan and threw up human remains!" his eyes pierced into theirs. "C'mon I wait!"

"Oi, Bertholdt..." Reiner spoke up. "Enough..."

"You act like only those are the monster who kill people, only that the titans in the wrong. You could be right, you could be saying the truth right. But we watched one of our friends getting eaten by a titan!" spitting the words, he waited. "You call us monster but what are you? You are one of us like anyone else, you think like you are a good person!"

"I am!"

"Prove it! Prove it because if you are you wouldn't be arguing with us about, what we are or what we do!" poking at their chest they waited. Watching the eyes of the other darkening as they lowered their gaze onto the ground. Not saying a word they remained quiet. "See..."

"I'll prove it to you if you want it that much!" looking up they passed them going towards the door. Both males eyes widened. "Just watch me!" their fingers curled onto the doorknob.

The hazel orbs widened and running towards them they grabbed their hand. Looking into the [E/C] orbs his chest rose and fell as their heart rate quickened with nervousness. Lips pressing together into a thin line like a drawn thing. His brows fondled in the middle of his forehead wrinkling the skin.

"[N/N]..." he whispered hoping that works.

"Don't call me that..."

"[N/N] please, please you can't!" he said still holding onto them. "[N/N] if you really love me you won't do it, you would never, right?" leaning closer his features softened. "Please..."

"Then tell me the truth..." they spoke up looking into the honey-hazel eyes. Standing the gaze they waited for minutes before he parted his lips.

"I can't..." he breathed out.

"Let me go, Reiner, I am leaving," they said to the male who slowly let go of their wrist and stepped away. Were they really gonna tell it to the Commander now? Tell everything they know and get rid of them? But what is exactly that they know? What's the actual truth, they didn't get closer to anything. Opening the door they gave the two boys a last look before leaving the room. With quick steps, they headed down on the stair and left the whole building without a word. On the street, they looked up onto the window once more before turning on the heels and finally got going.

_I am doing the right thing, right? This is what I have to do, the truth that needs to be revealed..._ the thought roamed in their mind.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

The next morning [Y/N] stood in front of Erwin's office. Taking a deep breath they held onto the sheets of papers that they wrote last night. The official report with every information on it, the official paper about that held every emotion.

"Come in!" with surprising eyes they opened the door. They didn't even knock yet, how does he know. "Good morning, [Y/N] I see you are done with your report!"

"Yes, sir! I am." nodding they walked up to the desk putting it down onto it. "This is all the information that I gathered together yesterday and all of that I could recall. There might be some missing pieces, but sadly I couldn't quite make it out everything." they smiled as they put their hands behind their back. Silence fell onto the room, as they watched with their [E/C] orbs what the Commander did. Their eyes followed every small movement, the way he picked up the papers, how he read through them, flipped them and then onto the next one.

"All these papers, and amount of ink that you used..." he spoke and his ice-blue eyes looked up. "I put you under Captain Levi's hand, he and Hange are taking care of Eren, and according to your notes the best would be if you were there too."

"But- Commander what I wrote is...is.." they stuttered for a moment making the male rose his eyebrow with a questioning look. "Are you sure about it?"

"I would put my life on the line if Levi is the one who is above me, so I am. Although I am sure that he will be a bit frustrated about this situation, I want you to get the best teaching as possible." he smiled warmly, that made [Y/N]'s stomach swirl in place weights placed themselves onto their shoulders. "Now you can leave, I soon send a soldier to get you and he will help you get to the former HQ where the others are training and examining Eren."

"Understood." they nodded as they left the room. Erwin's calm yet strict expression made them way more nervous than they already felt. Things went smoothly like nothing in the report could be serious.

Stepping into their room, when the door closed they put their back against it as they slowly lowered onto the ground. Bringing their legs closer to themselves they put their forehead between their knees as they hugged it with their arms. Shoulders shaking, and faint sniffles broke out from them.

_I lied, I lied into the Commander's eye, I lied into my report... I'm just as bad as them, I lied and betrayed my home..._ the guilty thought haunted their mind as it repeated itself over and over again. _I lied because I love him, I made something unacceptable! If not those monsters than the military going to kill me! Why, why did do this?! This isn't worth it! I'm an idiot!_

Salty tears rolled down on their cheeks landing on their clothes. Darkening spots on their uniform sniffling and quiet crying filled the room as they felt their heart ripping into parts. They wanted to hate the guy, yet they wanted to trust him, love him, protect him with everything. He was truly a monster, not just against the people but against [Y/N] too. How were they supposed to fight against him? How...?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the 800+ reads and Kudos, I never thought that this story will be actually liked here. It makes me really happy and grateful <3  
> The art made by me, the Titan idea is by me, this is what I think Cora drew to [Y/N] with the small notes and things. (End of the chapter)

After packing together everything they needed they walked out to the stable where the guard was waiting for them. It looked weird considering that the soldier caught them crying and they had to lie that it was just a painful memory.

"Is everything alright?" the man asked as they held onto the horse's bridle walking closer with it them.

"Yes, yes. Thank you." smiling [Y/N] quickly hopped onto their horse giving it a slight pat on the neck. "I'll be fine, I know the way to the HQ."

"You sure about it?"

"A hundred per cent! If I go now I'll get there before dusk. So there should be no problems right?" smiling down at their comrade they made the horse walking. "And don't worry I won't rush through the town only after I'm out," speaking they watched the guard crossing their arm in front of their chest before letting out a sigh. "Then I headed out!" they waved at them as they finally left the area.

Going down on the main street alone they noticed that most of the people were looking at them. Was there something on them? Or did they just heard about the accident that happened with them? Did they think they are going out on an expedition alone?  
Although they were well aware that some people thought lowly about the Survey Corps. Erwin had the most soldiers back always yet, they never had anyone who got back with more information. Depending on how someone looked at it, it could've been a waste of time and money, but there were those who still thought this is the most heroic action that one can do. Risking their life outside the human territory. The Garrison always drank and enjoyed their time, while the Military Police focused on protecting the higher-ups.

Spotting out a few kids with sparkling eyes [Y/N] give them a warm smile and wave and they waved back happily. Honestly, they never knew what was a reason that an angelic kid wants to join the Military, they could understand the motivation behind helping family, getting revenge on the monster who ruined their lives. But those who just wanted to join to get into a better life, like how Jean and Marco did. Marco, he had such a dream yet he never got a chance to get close to it, because they couldn't save them.

Their expression changed while their lips pressed together into a thin line, while they continued forward. They fixated their [E/C] eyes onto the ground and soon only the hooves noise echoed in their ears.

"[Y/N]!" they heard their name but didn't stop, the person who kept calling them out got louder and louder, until they jumped in front of the animal who slightly jumped back. Nervously tapping around with their legs until their owner calmed them down. Looking up from the animal they faced with the maniac who thought it was a fun idea to do this. But when the hazel orbs captured their gaze, they were about to go away. "No, no! Wait please!" grabbing the reins, Reiner pulled them back, stopping them.

"Let go, Reiner, you are causing a scene!" they hissed not looking at them. "I'm heading to the HQ, so I'm in quite a hurry."

"Please, just for a minute!" he begged. Achieving a sigh from their partner they looked down onto them. "You didn't tell them..."

"Woah, what a piece of exciting information! I cannot believe it!" with an ironic tone they spoke before rolling their eyes. "No, I didn't! Your welcome!"

"Why? You said..."

"I know what I said. But I couldn't... I could rat them out but not you. But even then I didn't tell anything about the others either." they spoke on a lower voice hoping no one will hear them. "Now let go."

"Wait, wait! Just a bit..." stepping closer Reiner gently put his hands onto [Y/N]'s [S/C] hand caressing the top of it with his thumb. The small circles somehow sent down a light relaxing yet warm feeling on their body as they looked onto the action before shaking their head.

"Reiner... I think the best would be if we forget about this." their heart shrank and they swore they could hear the small cracklings on it. "We should not be together, not now, not later, and not anymore." the boy's eyes widened. His hand fell off the others. "I'm sorry, but that will be the best for us."

"You are joking right, like when you said those things yesterday... right [N/N]?" with a hoping smile they looked back into their eyes. "Right?"

"I'll be training under Captain Levi's hand. See you in Karanese when we go out on the expedition," they said and with a gentle motive, they started going again a bit faster this time. Even though they didn't look back they felt the stair piercing into the middle of their back.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

During the journey through the fields, and the small woods at first it felt like the time was frozen and Reiner was still looking into at their back. [Y/N] hoped that should be the truth, and that he would reach out once again and protest and say that he won't let go of it that easily. But they knew it won't come.

Stopping for a moment they felt as the view got blurry.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" cursing to themselves they wiped away the crocodile tears from their eyes trying to concentrate. "Don't you dare cry, you can't cry about what you made, fucking stop already!" scolding themselves they tried to think about something else, but they heart pulled back, back into the arms of the male who they just pushed away. Leaning forward they put their forehead against their horse's main. "Hate him! I hate that I love him, I just hate it... I want to go back, I should be apologizing!" talking to themselves they heard the noise of hooves against the ground and they immediately looked up. They really, really wished that it would be the honey-hazel eyed boy, but unfortunately, it was only the brown-blonde short-haired girl. Her grass-green eyes sparkled, but when those met with [Y/N]'s [E/C] orbs they slowed down.

"What are you doing here?" they asked as they stopped next to them. "And why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying! It's just a speck of dirt in my eye!" spitting out the words they cleared their eyes. "I'm fine, what are you doing here?"

"If you say so." rolling her eyes she got something out from the side back on the horse. Handing onto it to [Y/N] they gave them a smile. It was supposed to be a friendly and trustworthy one, but so far all the experience with the girl made this into an impossible idea. "It won't bite."

"What's in it?"

"Oh my god, you seriously questioning everything?" Cora groaned. "It's the same serum that was in the syringe with an extra," they explained. "It will help you, but only drink it when it really matters because I do not know how it could end."

"What do you mean? You referring to that I could end up dead or something?" slightly pulling away they frowned their brows as the girl chuckled on the comment.

"No, it messes with your mind. It's hard to explain actually, but the other's refused to try it out so..."

"So I am your experiment." finishing her sentence they received a small nod. "No, thanks I would rather not try it out."

"Okay, what information do you want to know?" sighing she got down from her horse and sat onto the ground. "I have time, c'mon tell me."

"You offering a trade? Aren't you like a bit... I do not know... worried that I rat you out on the HQ and tell everyone?" with their hands they moved around like if it was explaining what was going on when it really didn't. But they only met a small burst of laughter, looking down they watched the girl now laying in the grass they horse laying next to them.

"Not really, because I know, you would be ratted out as well, meaning your life would get into danger. You are not the type to risk something, you blindly go towards your goal! Only on the verge of death, you would give up! Also, I know you want to protect that big bullheaded Reiner too! And you can not rat out either Bertholdt or Annie because that would mean he would go down as well." Cora shrugged her shoulder as she examined the sky and watched the clouds slowly passing by. "Plus I'm always in different places, trying to sneak around and know the secrets of this place." looking back at the other who was still sitting on the horse she gave them a toothy grin. "And I trust Zeke too, he never let me down nor made me think about his plans otherwise. Plus I don't think a few humans can bring downs Titans like those three. And now we have you as well."

"I'm not a monster."

"Eh, okay not yet. But if you trust us, you could have a better life! You can happily be with Reiner, and if you come back home with us, you would be applauded and cheered by people!"

"I'm cheered by people here too. I don't need random strangers acknowledgement." looking away into the distance they let out a sigh. "I want you to tell me, that what did you actually inject into me," they looked back into the bright green eyes and when they saw her lips part away they continued. "and explain it to me what those things will mean."

"Ah, you got me... Okay, okay... this stuff..." shaking the little bottle with the purple-ish fluid in them. "Has a little human blood in them and spinal fluids. I know it sounds gross, but the taste supposed to spicy. But it's like Zeke, and Pieck's spinal fluid, but I put Reiner's and Annie's blood into it. So like, you got Beast, Cart Titan, Armoured and Female in your body. Although the first time you just became a regular titan you did turn back even though you eat a normal human being." sitting up normally Cora got her notebook out from the bag. "And I do not know, what could happen to you next time when you get it into your body. Back home when I tried it I only used injection and the people just turned into blunt zombies after they got turned back on."

"So you say that I shouldn't be normal?"

"Yupp, but you are. Which interesting! But I know you don't know anything about your parent's so I later have to look into it, I did find out that you and Erwin are related!" she smiled. Talking about all these things like regular topics. It set a bizarre tone onto a whole situation. [Y/N] was at the point again to question Cora's mental well being. "So yeah, but according to my note and all, if you drink this you should become a wolf-kinda beast that weirdly mutated with humans. Have a thick skin, but quick and has great mobility to it."

"So basically like a hunting dog?" [Y/N] asked as their [H/C] hair fell into their eyes and they slightly huffed up the air with their mouth to get it out of it. "You made me into a dog?"

"Well, yes- but no?" thinking for a few minutes Cora let out a sigh. "Here I make a quick sketch about it how you are supposed to look like, but, I can't promise that it's the same that you should, but the syringe did have Marcel's last spinal fluids in them, and his genes worked very great with the Jaw titan. And if you end being a good experiment that can take these things onto a new level." they quietly listened although they didn't quite get everything nor did they understand it perfectly. So what will they become, or what are they good for now? Which side are they are now exactly? All of this should be told to Erwin and the Military! This information could make humanity get a step forward.

While they watched the girl scribble into their notebook, a possible idea popped into their head before getting off of their horse as well. Kneeling down into the grass they patiently waited for the girl to finish her sketch. She slightly had her tongue out while the green eyes sparkled in the sun's light and their pale skin had a brown-red tone to it as it went down. When she finished she hold up the page with a childish smile on their face.

With a few blink [Y/N] examined the drawing, it had an animalistic head shape with a bone looking claws, while the upper body of it was covered with fur. Some armour looking stuff on the front legs and the back part was like the animal got skinned and only the claws were sticking out, it's a bit freaked them out. On the other hand, the fact that Cora was able to create a monster like, this put her on a whole new level.

"Hey Cora, have you heard about Hange Zoë? She works with Levi and also loves titans." maybe, maybe if just a bit closer getting into their head. It could work.

"Oh yeah, I read about her. The most knowledge that you have about titans is because of her, although it is still weak and useless, but yeah. But I do admire how she is into everything! I wished that she was from the same place as us!" she whined looking back onto her notebook, gently caressing her art that now was permanently on the yellow-ish paper. "Meeting with her would be such a risk! But also I want to!"

"You can!"

"What?" looking into the [E/C] orbs she squinted like she is trying to read her mind. But the innocent smile covered it up pretty goodly. But she did have some idea where all of this was leading. "You want to rat me out don't you?" she asked and [Y/N] felt like losing. This girl was sure crazy.

"No, of course not! Just because you have trust issues that don't mean everyone is bad right?" shrugging their shoulders they stood up. "If you come with me to the HQ saying you are my guard they would believe! And that would be just good for you, you would get to meet Eren, Hange, get some information out... and everything." looking at the girl from the corner of their eye they got back onto their horse.

"I see your point, but... what is your win?" helping up her animal Cora jumped onto the back of the horse looking at them.

"Information as well." they shrugged before going off.

**-**

Arriving at the old used castle they looked around but saw no one and the sun was about to finally disappear behind the horizon. Getting behind both of them put down their horses at the stables.

"They must be around somewhere..." [Y/N] said looking around. All the horses were there they had fresh hay and water. "Hm..."

"Oh, you must be the one Erwin talked about!" a cheerful woman's voice rang ion the air as both Cora and [Y/N] turned on their heels meeting with Hange's sparkling eyes. "Oh, is that the guard he sent you with!"

"Ah, yes! She is Cora!" [Y/N] smiled while introducing the other who was about to jump out of their skin. "She talked so many about how she wanted to meet with you Hange, you could say a big fan of you and the Titan's as well!"

"Woah, that's rare!" the woman put her hands onto her hips while leaning forward with a grin on her lips. "Well right on time both of you! I was about to look at what Sawney and Beane were doing currently!" she said giving an inviting wave the two.

Without a word, the two cadets followed the woman whit a questioning look. At least [Y/N] frowned their brows while the girl was about to jump out of her skin. Arriving the pinned down monsters both were groaning and making weird sound on their deep and distorted voices. Cora was excitedly standing beside the Commander who was just talking about the naming process and the sofar got knowledge and experiences with the two. All of those included what they got to know about Eren and how he can transform.

[Y/N] stroked their arm nervously while they turned away hoping that someone shows up helping them out from here. It was a quiet weird for them to see titans, this closes yet unable to do anything. Maybe their thoughts were read, or some mysterious power heard their prayers when they heard their name being called from the back. Looking over their shoulders they met with Eren's questioning orbs.

"What are you doing here?" with his head he picked towards Hange and the other girl standing beside her. "And who is that?"

"Oh, EREN! You are finished with the cleaning?" Hange interrupted the not even started conversation. "Oh, OH! LEVI! Look we got our new cadets!" the old man just gave a low groan while he rolled his eyes. "C'mon they are [Y/N] [L/S] the one who Erwin talked about and this is their guard Cora!" hearing the name Captain Levi squinted with his eyes while examining the girl. He was with Erwin most of the time, but he has never even seen her nor does he heard about her.

"Sure..." he spoke. "If the brat can do everything I hope they are capable of the simple things as well," he said while continuing his walk into the building with the other soldiers.

»»————- ♔ ————-««

Covering up with their face with the cloth [Y/N] helped with the brooming in the storage. They couldn't really understand why was this good for, but Eren looked way more nervous about this than them. He was quite terrified about the Captain finding even just a little dirty spot in the room which wasn't even used.

"What are you so nervous about? We will leave for Karasene soon, son doing anything isn't really worth it!" their muffled voice spoke up from under the cloth. "Also, he is so small I don't believe that he is the strongest in the walls, like c'mon! Eren really?!"

"Shh! [Y/N]!"

"What, it's not like he could harm me or anything." shaking their hands they raised up the broom and acted like it was a blade. "I can just chop onto his head and BAM! He is knocked out!" gently hitting their friend they chuckled. "It was funny! Right?!"

"Well..." Eren shrugged his shoulder nervously fixing the neck of his shirt. "I mean, yeah..."

"Was this a question, or an answer! Eren, we didn't see each other for ages and you act like, you don't know me!" they sighed leaning against the wall. "Did the Captain kick the bravery out of you or something?"

"No, it's just... you were against titans just like me, and now I am one..." he whispered. "Also, you were so on and on about how I am a traitor and you were fed up with Reiner. What about that?" he asked looking towards at them. Although their face was covered they could see the pain in the [E/C] eyes.

"It doesn't matter, let's finish this shitty cleaning and then I'll go train, and I'll see you before leaving to Karasane," they mumbled quickly continuing their work in silence.

_______________________________________________


	12. Chapter Ten - Forms of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter with semi-lemon or lime (I do not know what to call it at this point) in it towards the end.

Sitting in the huge room there was Erwin standing on the stage while talking about his plan. He explained the colour meaning of the different flares. He talked about the position and who how will be stayed, and that the what they wanted to reach was the forest. [Y/N] felt eyes piercing into their skin, and they knew who those belong to.

Not even looking back they tried to focus on everything that was needed because somehow they achieved that Cora works under Erwin's hand during the mission while they will with the same squad as Eren making sure to protect him. All of this supposed to work right? The question is, that for who? In the current point whose side they were on? On Reiner's or on the Scout Regiments? Rumbles of chairs and the creaking sound of the wood brought them back from their thoughts. Feet against the ground with a gentle knocking sound they remained on their seats.

"[Y/N]..." they heart squeezed in their chest from the voice of the male, before slowly raising their gaze onto them. "Can we-"

"[Y/N]! I have to talk to you about your part in the mission privately!" Erwin spoke up walking up to them interrupting the conversation. "I think I found more thing that I needed for..." from the corner of his eye he looked towards the hazel-eyed boy before he continued. "our _thing_."

"Yes, Sir." standing up they nodded. With an apologetic smile, they quickly tried to get out of the situations but without even getting a chance to get after their Commander, a hand tightly gripped onto their wrist. "Reiner, let go off me!" looking back at him with their [E/C] orbs they waited for something in response, while they felt his nails dug into the [S/C] skin. "It hurts! Please!"

"No, I'm not, we have to talk..." he growled in a deep tone pulling them back.

"The expedition is more important than, this." with a monotone voice they talked back. "So now let go of me and let me get to the Commander! I must talk with him if I want this to be successful and want to save my friends as well," they spoke trying to pull their hand away. "Please, please!"

"[N/N], please just a few moments I promise!" he said leaning closer, their noses gently brushing against the others. Both parties slowly blinked while their gazes drifted towards the lips of the other. [Y/N]'s palm started to sweat while their heart pumped in their chest, hitting against their bones like crazy, blood drumming in their ears and roses blooming on their cheeks. Feeling Reiner's warm breath on their skin, sending shivers down on their spine, making the small hairs stand up as the goosebumps revealed themselves.

"Reiner... I..." whispering they tried to talk back as they felt their back against the wall. When they were walking? Or left to be pushed there? "Rei-" before even speaking up they felt lips against their owns. Slowly closing their eyes, they melt into the moment enjoying the moment they slowly let go off his hand and went up to his neck hugging him tightly.

His hands travelled down onto their waist fingers digging into their clothes and skin holding them tightly. For a moment [Y/N] felt like they forgot everything as their mind went cloudy the butterflies making a storm in them as they flew around swirling the hot air as they breath out. Pulling away they felt the gentle caresses of the male on their side while examining their facial features.

"I love you, and I won't accept that you don't want this when I know you do..." he spoke on his low toned voice, making every bone rumble in the body of their loved one. He was well aware of the reactions. "So..."

"Reiner, no I can't I told you already, it won't work now or later!" shaking their head they pushed away from the guy and went towards the door. "Leave me alone, concentrate on what is important and not on this!" with their hands they made a huge gesture.

"You pointed on my whole body."

"Exactly!" with that they left the room closing the door with a loud thud.

**-**

Knocking-in Erwin's office they have waited for some approval, but nothing. Knocking again but still, no answer received. Gulping down their nerves with a little bit of saliva they spit onto the ground. Very elegant, but not the current point.

The guard gave them a disgusted look as they watched them putting their hands onto the doorknob. Fingers curling around the cold metal they pushed it down and entering into the room.

"Commander, I'm sorry for being late, I got into some-" looking up they mouth gaped open as they saw the Commander on their desk know out. "What, the?!" feeling a mouth on their hand the door got shut and soon they faced with the grass green eyes. Putting her finger in front of her lips telling [Y/N] to be quiet.

"Keep it down, it was tough to knock him out, 'kay?" whispering they looked at the Commander. "What the heck are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be, lovely-dovely with Reiner?"

"You sent him onto me?!" whisper yelling [Y/N] walked after the girl who was now looking around the room, Opening the drawers and different stuff hoping to find some useful information. "Cora!"

"No, no! I didn't he just asked me if I can change your mind, and I told him I need time for some research!" waving with their hand they tired to hush them away. "Not my problem, and don't care!" she said while gently searching around in Erwin's pockets. Groaning to themselves Cora gently pulled out a piece of paper from one his pockets opening it up to read through it. "Really? Do you keep this? What kind of Commander are you?" whispering and squealing to the sleeping man Cora growled while crumbling the paper.

"What is it?"

"Nothing important that I can use! I can't believe how stupid they are!" she said walking towards the window. "C'mon we have to get out of here!"

"Are you stupid? The guards saw me coming in! If I leave and they found him like him I'm busted!" they whispered while putting their [H/C] hair behind their ears while. "Get out and I wake him up." with some plan they come up while thinking through the situation. "Ah, I say that he passed out."

"Oh, what a spy. So that means you are on our side [Y/N]?" Cora asked opening the window and quickly looking around. "Really sweet. Did that bullhead changed your mind with his magical saliva?" making kissing noises Cora giggled as the other flinched on them.

"No, he did not, I'm helping you because I don't want him to die. That's all, I love him," they said as they fixated their eyes on the ground. "But I won't be on your side not now neither anytime soon."

"Well, don't blame me if things don't turn out your way," she said before disappearing from the room.

[Y/N] let out a sigh as they shut back the window closed, looking out on it watching their 'comrade' running away. Turning there had they watched the Commander's sleeping face. Or at least this is what it looked like sleeping and it brought so many memories into their mind.

≪ °❈° ≫

_There were they again, standing alone in their father's office. He was peacefully sleeping while one his hand was holding onto the pencil and the other was hanging down from the desk. His head turned towards the small candle that was barely glowing anymore._

_"Ma, why is Pa always in there?" looking up to their mother's worried eyes they slightly tugged her skirt. "Is he still mad at me?" they asked while stepping closer and their small fingers curled into their dad's hand. It felt warm, and it made them happy. They did have a good relationship with their own parents but after the thing, with the violin, he was cold and always turned their gaze away. The man didn't look onto their child as before, he had something, something undescribable in his eyes towards them._

_"Of course not sweetie, your dad just need some rest, and he will be alright." walking closer to him she easily -like he had no weight- get him up taking him into his bed in the small office. "Let him rest okay, honey?" she smiled at the kid while_ _covering up her husbands with a thin blanket. [Y/N] stared at their parents before their mother spoke again."Do you want to sleep with Dad today?" receiving a small nod she watches the kid running over to them and climbing to the bed_.

_Soon the man moved and with their hand, they protectively hugged the kid and quietly snoring next to them. Giving the two 'Good night' kisses on the head she walked back to the desk blowing out the candles and leaving them alone._

≪ °❈° ≫

Looking at the Commander's facial features they did see some sort of resemblance. If not for themselves but their father. The sharp jawline, the thick brows with the muscles around them. Their lips, and also their hands.

It was just like when they were kid, the warmth the feeling of protection. It was all there, and soon the view blurred as tears formed in the corner of their [E/C] orbs slowly running down on their cheeks. It took a few teardrops on the chin to let go of the skin landing on the man's hand. With quiet sniffles [Y/N] tightly held onto it and never wanting to let go.

With his lashes, rembling Erwin slowly blinked before looking around in the room that looked empty. His eyes drifted to his hands where he felt a gentle squeeze on it, nails digging into his palm. As he focused on the hand-in-hand view he heard the sniffles. Following the arm of the hand up to the owner, his ice-blue eyes widened when they saw the [H/C]-haired cadet standing there with closed teared up eyes trying to wipe them those away. The skin was red and puffed like they've been crying for an hour now.

"[Y/N]?" slowly sitting up they saw them jump in their place. They pulled their hand away and stepped a bit far from the man. "Is everything alright?" like it was a kid who got lost the cadet shook their head.

"I-I, " with a hitching tone their voice stuttered as the words got lost between the tears and memories. " I'm sho-sorry, Commander!" managing to open their eyes they looked at them finally putting their hands behind their back. "I shouldn't have done that." slowly normalizing their breath they looked at the higher-up. "When I came in the Commander was sleeping on their desk, and I thought for a moment how much resemblance is there between you and my father, Sir." telling the 'truth' they let out a sigh. "After the talk, I'll go get myself together and go back to a small training before the expedition." even though they tried to held it together as much as possible the Commander saw them trembling, their shoulders shaking and their chest incorrectly moving by the unbalanced breathing.

"Relax [Y/N]..." he smiled standing up from his seat. He wasn't a type -with Levi on the other hand- who showed much emotion. But now he was smiling onto the one before them. His hands ran into the [H/C] locks rubbing their scalp gently while their hair ruffles up.

"Uh, Commander?" with a questioning look they furrowed their brows.

"It's okay, I know it is hard," he said and although it has no context to it the words just pierced into [Y/N]'s chest. How dare he talk like that?! "[Y/N] you are allowed to be sad, and hurt..." he continued on that warm tone that held so many emotion in it. "It's a part of being a human and you held it together. You did it for years, you have to allow yourself the pain, and the sadness." as their eyes met they felt the weight falling from their chest as they watched the man smiling. The tears began to bubble again in the corner of their eyes and hitting their head against the man's chest they started to cry into it. Arms wrapping around his body and tightly gripping into their jacket.

Erwin hugged them back, circling on their back with his hand calming them down. His chin rested on their head and his other handheld tightly onto them. He kept whispering calming words to their comrade until they finally eased up and let everything out.

**-**

"So, you are sure you will be okay?" for the last time the Commander asked as they watched the young soldier going to the door. "You can stay if it would make you feel better."

"No Sir. I'll be alright. I think everything that I needed to get off of myself is done." they said opening the door they stepped out. Turning on their heels they leaned back with their mouth curling up on the side. "Thanks, Erwin."

"Anytime." he smiled watching the door finally close.

Walking through the hallways [Y/N] looked out in the window, out to the public area where they friends and other comrades were talking, bonding and having fun. They missed it so much even Jean's flirty attitude that he had towards Mikasa as well. Poor guy was turned down by both of them in the end, yet he never gave up. Or there was Armin, who somehow got smarter, and more open about others.  
It was a nice change that how others looked at Eren despite knowing his 'secret power' and being one as the enemy. 

Their gaze shifted towards the tree where Reiner, Cora and Bertholdt had a deep conversation looking through a book. Why, did they helped the girl again? Was it because they really cared about the male, or was it something else? Now there was no heavy-weight on their shoulders they could've told Erwin everything, but they just didn't. Was this... okay?

Still focusing on the three [Y/N] felt their chest squeeze, they and Reiner wasn't a thing anymore so they shouldn't care about him. Rolling their lower lip under their teeth they nervously bit onto it. And also they had the plan with Cora that they still had to start, but that involved a plus person. Letting out a sigh they decided to walk down to them. If they want to go through what they have decided, then they must do this.

Going outside they looked around, to see if anyone spotted them but luckily there was no one who was paying attention to them. Or at least not from the others. The only one who might notice them it was the one with those hazel-honey eyes. Giving him a smile they waved towards the male and soon the wave turned into an inviting movement as their fingers curled towards into their palms. A few moments later they watched the male standing up and apologizing to his friends while slightly jogging towards them.

"So, do you wanted to talk or what happened [Y/N]?" Reiner asked as he looked into the [E/C] eyes that were still scanning through the area. "Is, everything okay?"

"Oh, oh yeah! It's just I thought we could talk this out you know?" smiling up to the male they gripped his hand pulling him away from any curious eye. "Just come with me!"

**-**

Going through the whole building [Y/N] quickly darted through the hallways with Reiner behind them. Some guard gave questioning looks to the two cadets but soon the doors shut echoing through.

With quick, breathes [Y/N] let go of the blond's hand and walking to the window they pulled in the curtains before turning towards the taller one. Giving a cheerful smile to them they walked back to him. With a charming smile, they slowly tapped through his chest with their fingers walking up to his chin. Hand sliding onto his jaw and they rubbed small circles onto his cheek with their thumb.

Gulping down his nerves Reiner looked at them and from the sudden contact roses bloom on his face and their skin burned each time when the other touched them. Feeling lips on his own he stepped back, back hitting against the door closing his eyes he led his hands up to their waists.  
Lungs burning and knots forming in their stomach when they felt the fingers dug into their skin through the fabric. Soon the fingers travelled back to their shirt, pushing down their light-brown jacket, unbuttoning the white shirt.

His lips slowly lowered onto their neck, biting into the [S/C] skin and kissing it sharply leaving over their neckline dark spots. Letting out a weak moan from their lips [Y/N]'s hands hugged around his neck. Fingers running into his hair at his nape while the went under his shirt at the back and digging into the muscles with their nails. Receiving a low-toned groan they faced with the male once again giving them a kiss. It was more passionate and small clouds filled their mind as they pulled him away from the door. Sharp breaths escaped from their nostrils and they heart pounded against their lungs trying to get rid of the air in them while it boiled their blood making it travel through fast in their body.

Legs hitting against the frame of the bed turning on the situation they pushed down the taller one onto. Hands-on his chest and they sat into his lap making the mattress dent under both cadets weights. With slow blinks, the honey-hazel orbs shined with enthusiasm, love and excitement. Putting his hands onto [Y/N]'s thighs he gently stroked it.

"I love you [N/N]..." he whispered when the other leaned over to them giving him a small peck on the lips.

"Yeah, I know." breathing out the tugged out the shirt from his pants. Unbuckling the belt they kept on the melted gazes hoping he will keep the focus on them. Was this a dirty move? Sure it was, but currently the best option they could've come up considering how he wanted to fix everything. "And I'm sorry for what I've said to you before." whispering close into the blonde's ear they gently bit onto it. Feeling the hands coming up to their face, playing with their [H/C] locks. He looked so vulnerable and hypnotized.

Getting rid of his clothes and the straps -that was totally pointless to be on unless they had to do something with their VMG- [Y/N] traced through the muscles with their fingers examining their boyfriend's body. A tint of blush appeared through their face. Even the end of their ears got pinker as they bit down on their lips.

 _Focus, focus, focus..._ reminding themselves they sharply inhaled the warm air that filled the room making their head dizzy.

Going down again to his lips they kissed onto the now dulled pink lips. Hands going through the pockets in the pants still caressing his body, until they felt something bigger being pressed against their inner thigh. Their breath hitched when it rubbed against their lower half. Burying there had into the male's neck they stopped in motion.

"What?" the husky voice resonated through their ears sending shivers down on their spines. "You got shy from... _this_?" he rubbed their prisoned erection against them receiving a small whimper. With a small burst of a chuckle, he caressed their back with his palm in a slow circulating motion. "Guess you are not so bold anymore are you [N/N]?" whispering to their ear he didn't get any response, not vocally. "So what was that talking thing out thing?"

"I do not know what are you talking about it." speaking against the male's skin their voice was muffled and butterflies burned up their body. "I just...I..." forgetting the words they felt their head burning up and emotions swirling up in them. What was the original plan again?

"Don't worry I won't force it onto you. Relax [Y/N]..." with a caring tone he pushed them onto their side hugging them with one arm. Playing with the end of their hair he looked into the [E/C] ambers with a loving smile. "I love you if you never willing to go into it..."

"[N/N]..." mumbling to themselves they looked onto his chest watching it rise and fall.

"What?" he asked turning to them with his full body.

"I like it better when you call me [N/N]..." they whispered fondling their legs together. "And I like it when you worry about me, or when you just gentle..." what was going on? It wasn't how they have planned it! Why were they now tellin everything it was like they had no control over their mouth, or at least it wasn't cooperating with their brain?

"I like it better as well when you... when you like this. Honest and not hiding behind the walls." he smiled giving small kisses onto their face, forehead, cheeks, their temples down on their jawline up until their lips. "It was wrong of me to act that way back in the room. Or to keep secrets away from you..."

"It's okay when something is hard to talk about it shouldn't be forced..." interrupting Reiner's talk they looked into the hazel orbs with a loving smile. "Let's just cuddle and sleep okay? Tomorrow will be a big day, and I want to enjoy this..." getting closer they cuddle to him holding onto his shirt and taking their sweet aroma into their lungs. Although they had no idea how the other they can turn out they hoped it will be okay...


	13. Chapter Eleven - One of them

Today was the day... The day when they go out onto the expedition to gather as much information as possible. Or at least this is what the cadets and others were told.

People were running around and yelling as they tried to get ready as quick as possible. Supposedly there should be one more meeting before heading out. [Y/N] let out an annoyed grunt as they cuddle more into their boyfriend's neck. The term 'I really don't want to fucking do this' was not even enough to explain how they felt in the current moment. Feeling the fingers tracing down on their spine and hugging onto their waist their lips curled into a smirk.

"You know, you have to let go of me..." mumbling into the male's skin they exhaled the warm air from their lungs.

"It's not like you are in such a hurry [N/N]" without opening his eyes Reiner answered still keeping close the other to themselves. "It can wait..." and if he wouldn't know better he would have thought that faith is against him as he heard the knocks on the door.

"[Y/N] get out!!" the familiar female voice rang through the room making both parties sigh.

"You deal with it..." [Y/N] whispered.

"But she really wants to talk with you..." answering on a low tone the blonde gave them a small peck on the forehead.

"Your friend Reiner, not mine." smiling with closed eyes they tried to move back in a comfortable position.

"But I'm pretty sure she called out for you." still resisting he chuckled as the [H/C] hair tickled against his neck while their loved one moved around.

"If, none of you gets ready in five minutes I'm going to kick down the door and drag both of you out with or without your clothes on!!" Cora yelled her sharp tone making both of them jump. Rumbles and small curses sounded from inside before the door finally opened. "Reiner, you are missing the straps, [Y/N], that is Reiner's jacket." crossing her arms in front of her chest she watched the two sigh as they closed back the door to normally get dressed.

**-**

Although the three of them left out the meeting they were the first one at the stables. Cora helped Reiner getting ready but they had a whispered conversation between them, that [Y/N] couldn't get out no matter how hard they have tried. Letting out a sigh they gaze shifted over to the door that opened revealing everyone else who will be coming to be a part of the expedition. The Levi squad had their special place with their horses, and the others were talking through with their group leader. This will be the moment, the true moment, the step that everyone has waited for when the titans get pushed back, and humanity charge forward for victory.

"Hey, Brat..." Captain Levi's voice made them flinch as soon as they heard it. Yeah, they are supposed to be with them. "Erwin said that you are being changed out."

"Huh?" turning on their heels they looked dumbfounded onto the others. "Why?"

"Because he thinks it's better if your little friend comes along." tilting his head slightly he looked over their shoulder. "The girl has quite an acknowledgement and since Hange is not coming, it's better to have one crazy at hand."

"Oh, sure... And Eren are you fine with this?"

"I have not much to talk into this, and I don't really mind Cora at all." the dark-haired male said while he hopped onto his horse. Mumbling to themselves they got onto their stallion as well while a memory came into their mind.

≪ °❈° ≫

_The sun was rising, and [Y/N] was up on their feet quickly like a farm animal, just to do its work. First, it was going down to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. Captain Levi and Hange will be the first two to arrive there and then the others. Gunther will be complaining about his back, while Petra just quietly stares towards the Captain and the others just try to wake up._

_"I wonder if she ever tells him at one point..." putting the apron around their waist they started to clean some vegetables before cutting them up to grill them. "But not like the Captain seems the one who wants to have marriage at all." letting out a sigh they started to cook the meat while drowning in the thoughts._

_Marriage, huh? It's not like this never went through their mind, but it wasn't entirely their biggest dream. Also, Reiner didn't seem like the guy who- no, no, no! They broke up and it's not okay to think about it. The door creaked making them turn on the heels just to face Hange who had bags under her eyes, but the dark coloured skin made it more like a piece of luggage than a regular bag or briefcase._

_"Good Morning!" with a kind voice they quickly got something in front of the small table in the kitchen putting it down for them. "Did you stay awake all night?"_

_"Ah, yes. Cora helped me with some stuff so we pulled an all-nighter. But I can't rest! We have to test it on Eren! So I'm not sleeping!" with a smile, she fixed her ponytail._

_"I don't think Captain Levi would let you do that." turning back to the food they continued cooking. "I know he doesn't really care about it either but he is a good guy!"_

_"Interesting to hear all of this from you. He beats you up daily during training." the woman chuckled._

_"I know, my back still hurts..." [Y/N] groaned massaging the place with their hands. "But at least I do something..."_

_"That's a way to look at it..."_

**-**

_Everyone was almost ready to eat but two people were still missing. Levi growled that Eren and Cora were still nowhere to be found. Great, Cora screws it up for herself there is no need for them to do anything specific._

_"Get them you brat." the darkened eyes pierced onto them making them shiver in place. Great..._

_Standing up from their seat they first walked to the girl's room but there was no answer, opening the dark-wood door there was no one in there. More like the bedsheets never even were touched. Did Cora sleep in her room at all, or was she doing something else or what? With a sigh, they decided to walk to Eren's room knocking on the door there were rumbles inside. Was he doing something?_

_"Eren!" calling out to him they waited before they heard steps but nothing. "Eren is everything alright? The Captain sent me to find you and Cora but I didn't found her, so I thought I should check on you!" there was still no answer, but only slight sounds that they were not able to decide what was it belong to. "Eren, I'm coming in!"_

_"No, wait!" the male yelled but in second [Y/N] stepped in being surprised with the view of the male dressing up with him and Cora standing back to back each other._

_They wanted to scream, they really did, but in the next minute, the girl pushed them out of the room. When she was ready she went out as well. With fired up orbs they looked onto the other._

_"No one is going to know about this!" she hissed like [Y/N] was in the wrong. "Got it?"_

_"You slept with him?!" whispered yelling they followed the girl who was now going towards the mess hall. "You slept with the one that you are not supposed to?"_

_"No, I slept with him because I like him and I need information. You know using your body is a good weapon." she smiled like this was nothing to be mentioned. "You could use it on Reiner once as well, I was surprised you never did!"_

_"I mean, we only did it once, like..."_

_"I know I know during the winter training when you two got lost and there was no way to warm up yourself. So you guys did it in the old fashioned way!" she winked making them fluster in a dark tone of pink up until their ears. "Oh jeez, don't be dramatic! He is a good guy. Not a father material tho..."_

_"Who said I want kids?! Or that I'll stay with him?!" with blushing cheeks they hit the girl on the arm while walking. "Don't be ridiculous!"_

_"So you meant to tell me that you would stay behind the walls, and let him go?" she stopped in her tracks and the grass green eyes looked into the [E/C] ones. "You would do that?"_

_"Huh, what do you mean?"_

_"I mean, the time is still going on and our hourglasses will need to be turned soon [Y/N]... we won't be here long and you still didn't decide anything about...you" looking up and down on them Cora sighed. With her hands, she started to search through the others pocket._

_"What are you doing!?" with gasps, they stepped away in the given moment._

_"You have to drink that [Y/N]! You have, and it's not for me, it's for him! For Reiner! You'll know when you have to use that but you must drink it before the expedition!" she said with a serious tone._

_"What they should drink?" interrupting the conversation Eren finally caught up to them. "What are you guys talking about?" he asked and his eyes drifted between the two when he realized. "Ah, [Y/N], please don't tell this to anyone, especially not to Mikasa! Please!" putting his hands together he gently leaned his head, eyes shut and he hoped that his friend will say yes. And indeed they did. [Y/N] wanted to give themselves a mental punch for being nice to them, even though it shouldn't matter anymore._

≪ °❈° ≫

Shaking their head they went into their position. In front of the wall, the gates and watched as the old metal gears turning, the huge chains brushing against the stone wall. It looked slow and low, yet in the next minute, they were all galloping out onto the field following Erwin's order before splitting up.

[Y/N] got into Armin's group and they watched the signals or just gave them off in time until something strange happened. The ground shook yet it didn't seem serious until something in the distance appeared.

Something that made the soldier stop in their tracks and watched it coming. It was maybe fifteen or twenty meters, or maybe just an abnormal, but it was fast. Charging towards them.

"[Y/N]?" Armin stopped turning towards them. His eyes followed the direction where they were looking and his blue orbs widened. "What the hell...an abnormal?!" with shaking hands he tried to shoot a signal, but dropped the bullet. "Fuck, fuck, fuck..." cursing to themselves they heard the sharp toned whistle of a signal going off and saw Jean coming towards them.

"There is no time to gape mouthes! MOVE!" he yelled, but it sounded more like an order, Armin nodded and started going. "[Y/N]!" he called out but the other couldn't move. "[Y/N]! C'mon!" going to them he gripped the other's horse reins and started guiding them at a fast pace. "Don't you dare pass out on me! Do you hear me?!" he yelled looking forwards.

The loud steps shook the ground more and more as they picked up the pace. Passing through them the two cadets looked up as it went towards Armin grabbing him.

"ARMIN!" [Y/N] yelled and automatically jumped off the horse using their VMG to attack it, but it merely dodged it prisoning them into their grasp. It put down the male and looked directly at them before throwing them and continuing it's run.

The two guys yelled as they watched the Titan ran away and trying to get to where it threw off their friend. Jean held onto the other horse running as fast as it was possible while Armin caught up to him.

The blonde's mind was already working on processing the information. It was certainly not interested in him, but when it looked at [Y/N]. He really thought it will eat them, yet it just threw like a ball. There was no way a regular titan would do that, and more to stay... it had female features. Was it a titan like Eren? Was someone controlling it?

Coughing up blood [Y/N] tried to push themselves up from the ground but miserably failing falling back onto it. The vision was blurred or just shook making everything double or triple as much as it was truly was. Were they about to die? Is this the end? The glass clinked in their jacket's pocket pocked when they moved to turn onto their back facing with the sky.

It was blue, blue like Erwin's eyes, or when the lake was frozen in the winter. The clouds were nowhere to be seen and even the birds left it open like it was waiting. It looked so calm, relaxing, just to swing them into the sleep making them happy. Slowly closing their eyes they enjoyed the warmth of the sun, the dirt under their nails, and remembered when they played with their parents. Walking through the old flower field and gazing onto the sky, or when Keith took them out on a trip just get to know the environment better. There was the moment with the candle festival when Ymir and Krista just stayed there making flower crowns. They still looked good together, and [Y/N] hoped they will live through the hell, just to be happy. But then again there was that one time when Reiner and they sneaked out during lunch break and skipped the rest of the training day. Sitting in the grass and watching the birds flying on the sky. All of that was just so peaceful.

Lips slowly curving up onto a smile on their they heard loud thuds on the ground. Were those footsteps? Were those hooves? Did it matter? There were hundreds of others soldiers dying bravely for everyone yet they kept on living. What was that small thing that made them dodge the scythe of death?

"Reiner..." whispering the name they opened their eyes facing with the golden ambers. He let out a sigh as he gently picked them up. "Huh?"

"You really wish to die don't you?" he sighed as he made them sit them against a tree. "I'll get some first aid, try not to die okay?" the male tried to be serious yet this small statement made their loved one chuckle. "I really hoped you would listen to Cora..." he added while walking back to them. Kneeling onto the ground they opened up the small bottle, when did he get that. "You should've drunk it sooner."

"I don't need help from her..." hissing the words they felt fingers curling onto their jaw gently opening it while their head was guided towards to it. "Noh..."

"If you don't trust her fine, but trust me..." he looked into the [E/C] orbs. "I want you to live a bit longer... And you have to..." closing their eyelids they gave in to the boy's gentle toned whispers. Painfully gulping down the tasteless liquid they coughed for a few moments after but soon, the pain flood away.

Their body felt hot, but that was away soon enough not to be even remembered. In the next, they were normally standing as nothing had happened. What was this? They would've sworn that they had multiple broken bones and even inner bleeding somewhere in their lungs! What was that stuff they drink? With a questioning look, they looked at the male who just hugged them. No matter how they tried to look at it, currently, Braun was happier to have them alive then to explain any of these. Sometimes [L/N] felt that even the short-haired blonde didn't know what was going on with Cora or anything that involved her.

"Okay, now let's break some branches." letting go of them Reiner climbed onto the tree starting to break off some parts of it. "We will the other you landed on the tree."

"What? Why? Why would I lie to them?" they asked.

"Because telling them the truth just gets us into trouble," he said eyes darkening and he gave off such a different vibe. "And don't even think about telling it, we have to keep you alive until the mission is finished!" Mission? Keep them alive? Wasn't he wanted them to live?

"What are you talking about?" they asked stepping toward to him but, he just coldly passed through them. The wide shoulders now stood strictly making him look bigger. His vision was so muddy and unreadable that [Y/N] felt their knees shook at the moment when those met. Was this really Reiner? Because it doesn't seem like that. "Reiner?"

"C'mon, get on. We have no time to waste." without a word they just nodded hopping onto the horse. Sitting close to him behind they started to ride. Catching up to the Titan they soon heard yellings.

Watching over their shoulder's [Y/N] saw Jean and Armin getting closer still holding onto an extra horse.

"Reiner!" the smaller boy yelled as he rode next to them.

"Armin?" he asked as he watched at his comrade.

"I think the Titan tries to find someone!" he explained quickly. "It didn't hurt me but throw [Y/N] away..."

"Yeah, I found them on a tree..." he groaned while the other scratched the back of their neck. Why did they have to lie, just spit out the truth? That simple is that! "Get onto you horse, we have to get this down before it finds Eren."

"Why would it search for Eren?" Jean asked as he helped their friend get onto their own horse. "It doesn't even know where is it heading."

"I think Reiner is right." Armin interrupted receiving some confused looks. "I mean, I thought that it might be someone like Eren, and I think this is what has Reiner thought." as he achieved a nod he continued. "So I think they might try to get him, who knows why. Use his powers, turn him into a full Titan, whichever is it, it doesn't know that Eren is on the middle area."

"How are you so sure about that?" Jean asked.

"Well, I'm not it's just a hunch..."

"ARMIN THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT!" he yelled scolding his comrade. "Erwin talked about where everyone is and Eren was in the side group." explained.

"No, Armin is right." defending the other [Y/N] spoke up. "Erwin put Cora into the Levi squad for a reason. Originally I was supposed to be there protecting him in the middle. The expedition heads towards the woods. I do not know what the Commander is thinking, but I got a bad feeling about it..." they said tightening their grip on the reins. "If Armin is right, and the Titan wants to find Eren, then we just have to cover up our faces."

"Yeah, seems right, but what if it's attacks us?" Armin questioned while all of them put the dark green hood over their head.

"Then we kill it, that was the plan anyway." [Y/N] spoke picking up the tempo and soon they were in front of the female titan trying to get it away from the original direction it had. The others caught up to them had it stop in their tracks trying to catch them each. "Now!" shooting out a blinding flare [Y/N] jumped off of their horse turning to shoot the VMG into the arm of the monster.

Jean did the same with its ankle trying to get off that its balance, while Armin aimed for the shoulder. Reiner attacked the other arm, but it's just crystallized its ankle kicking off the male. With a yelp, Jean flew on the ground making several flips. Pushing himself up he watched as it grabbed Armin's metal wire and ripped it out of its own skin, making him fall from the sky and a terrified scream left his throat as his vocal cords wanted to break from its power.

Getting off [Y/N] they only gripped onto the short-haired blond in their palm. Closing it prisoning him. The [E/C] eyes widened and when they heard the breaking of the bones and blood split out hand they just screamed in pain immediately when they landed onto the ground.

"REINER!" with an emotional agony they drop their own blades as they got out their knife from their boots. Stabbing it onto their legs as they looked into the eyes of the Titan. "I'm going to bite your hand down you fucking monster!" bright sparks came from their wound and soon yellowish lightning strikes to sky and ground. It struck into their body and next to the ground making their body heat up and soon the hot steamed went of making five-meter titan appear on the ground. Bone like claws dug onto the ground, while same meaty skinned lower body steamed as the dagger fell out of it making the blood dry up in minutes. It had was long shaped and covered with line covered with skull both from the top and bottom protecting the head fully. The neck was barely seeable as it started to get hidden behind the dark brownish thick fur that went down onto its four legs, that had thickened armoured like bones and skin both in the front and the back part until the hands. 

Turning its head towards the sky it let out a scream like howling before it growled towards the female titan and attack it on the leg. Cutting the skin with its claws they started climbing biting into it each time to maintain their balance when it tried to get rid of them.

"What the..." Jean's mouth gaped as he watched the scene, but there was no time for watching when he remembered to take care of Armin. Running up to his friend he watched through him. He didn't many injuries besides his head was bleeding. Looking up he saw the fingers being cut off as Reiner spun out of its hands safely getting next to them. "Reiner!"

"Jean! Where is [Y/N]?" he asked only to see the two-haired point toward the monster that was now trying to bite out bits of the bigger Titan until it grabbed it and throw it onto the ground starting to run again. "Wait, you mean..."

"Yeah, that thing IS them!" Jean repeated as it saw it looking towards them. From the front, the bright yellows dot eyes were sparkling and shining as it watched them. "What if they attack us like when Eren went against Mikasa?"

"Just make sure Armin doesn't get hurt." taking up a fighting position he changed his blades. "I'll take them down if it's needed."

"Did you saw how many bites they took out of that Titan? Were are like a few seconds to them!" As it slowly started to get close to the three males it let out steaming breath through the nostrils towering over the blonde. "Reiner..." he whispered watching his comrade getting ready to strike but the titan just turned and went after the female. "What...?"

"I do not know, but let's treat Armin before they change their mind. And we need to get back to the formation too..." he breathed out. He was about to shit his pants honestly as the beast creature towered them and those yellowish pointy orbs looked into his hazel orbs. It didn't look [Y/N] at all, not even the eyes were the same [E/C] orbs that he always watched. It looked like someone else, was it because it was their first time, was it because of the serum that he gave them to drink? Any of this was it, currently, they were one of the wild Titans that could kill anyone any time.


End file.
